Author Topic: Marriage counceling (Read 1255 times)

Ripsnort · « **Reply #30 on:** January 09, 2008, 08:57:48 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by DREDIOCK
Ill respond to this thread beter later when I am able to do so more freely.

In the meantime. Thanks for taking a slightly more serious stance to it then a couple of the first responces I had.

Im willing to go into this with an open mind and with an eye on compromise.
So long as Im not expected to sell the farm (be the only one making the compromises).

There are some issues between us Im not sure will ever be completely resolved to our complete satisfaction.
In those areas I hope we can at least reach a mutual understanding and acceptance of one another.

We went in for the initial consultation and just kinda skimmed over the surface on some issues. I was frustrated as some things I wasnt able to completely sayor I should say wasntallowed to finish explaining my position due to inturuptions and as a result to me seemed to have me painted in such a way that I was the only one completely wrong.

When we left I think we were both more pissed off then when we went in (we were both in a bad mood when we went in. but Ill get into that later)

In hindisght though. in looking at the positions the therapist was taking We both may have felt as if our positions were attacked.

Dunno. May be a good thing.
Like I said I am going ot TRY to approach it with an open mind.

Based on what little I know of the sitution other than what you've described above....if the anger is not over money, or adultery, then you've got a better than 2 to 1 odds of recovering and living a long happy life together.

Seriously, #1 and #2 for divorces are money and adultery (money being>>Argueing over it...)

sgt203 · « **Reply #31 on:** January 09, 2008, 10:31:53 PM »

Dred,

I was actually being serious. I dont know if it really works even though we are still together.

I went to a whole staggering 10 sessions at the suggestion of my wife. We were separted for almost 10 months at the time.

I went in with an open mind, you have to. I was honest and spoke about how things made ME feel, not what she was "doing". I spoke about my perception of things.

After the first 5 or so sessions the counsellor made a suggestion to my wife for anti-depressants stating her out of control spending habits were a result of depression.

My wife refused, though we still continued to go for a while. She then decided she didnt wnat to go anymore as she did not wish to take any medication.

We quit going, we are still together, she is still spending too much , not as much but too much.

The only good thing we no longer do is if we have an argument we try and stick to the points we are arguing about and not bring up things from 3 years ago.

Though we are still together I have my doubts as to if counselling is the reason or if it worked at all.

Good luck to you and keep an open mind.

LePaul · « **Reply #32 on:** January 09, 2008, 11:14:42 PM »

Interesting read.

Not married but had some difficulty with the girlfriend once she moved in with the kids. I clean up after myself, she doesnt. When one of her cats pissed on my brand new bed because she was too lazy to clean their litter box, I got ticked. She then got *mad* that i asked her to clean up the mess made on the bed.

So its taken a good amount of time for her to understand what I expect from her. I spent several hundred dollars on the lawn, months of having Scotts over, fertilizing, weeding, etc. Then my lovely lady drives across the lawn because it was easier than moving her mom's car out of the way one day. Now I have tire tracks sunk into the lawn. Grrr.

Its been a few months and she finally "gets" that this is my home, a place that took me a lot of time, work and effort to get. When someone doesnt treat it with respect, that bothers me.

She used to just give lame sarcastic replies, which served only to tick me off and make the anger build.

Then....of all things...she read a Dr Laura book on the Proper care and feeding of a husband. I thought this book would be terrible for my cause, but I was amazed. Dr Laura essentially tells ladies to get over themselves, shape up and stop being selfish. Imagine that.

Finally, when her Mom was up one time, her Mom was floored how poor a job she was doing cleaning up after herself. I dont know if she said anything or not to her, but I have seen a noticable improvement.

I suppose every relationship has its good and bad days. We're having more good days lately.

I just wish someone made a "Dating a Divorcee with Children For Dummies"

DREDIOCK · « **Reply #33 on:** January 10, 2008, 01:03:06 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by sgt203
Dred,

I was actually being serious. I dont know if it really works even though we are still together.

I went to a whole staggering 10 sessions at the suggestion of my wife. We were separted for almost 10 months at the time.

I went in with an open mind, you have to. I was honest and spoke about how things made ME feel, not what she was "doing". I spoke about my perception of things.

Actually I wasnt referring to you.

Though in hindisght Im sure the other posts were well intended levity.
It just wasnt what I was in the mood to hear at the moment.
I plan on going in with an open mind.
And have every intention of being completely honest. Brutally so if need be.

Quote

Originally posted by Ripsnort
Based on what little I know of the sitution other than what you've described above....if the anger is not over money, or adultery, then you've got a better than 2 to 1 odds of recovering and living a long happy life together. Seriously, #1 and #2 for divorces are money and adultery (money being>>Argueing over it...)

Well its alot of things.
But sex (not adultery) and money are two of the issues.
But they are only part of a larger picture.

Wolfala · « **Reply #34 on:** January 10, 2008, 01:44:01 AM »

I'll take a wild guess here.

First year and 1/2 you could nail her anytime and get away with it. Then within a period of 6 months to 1 year the deflector shield goes up - and you can't hit it with a nuclear missile if you tried. The excuses, you don't understand my emotional needs as a woman and I can't satisfy your needs as a man.

Occurring concurrently, is the need to feel independent and not reliant on anyone - yet you still take care of the bills to make sure there are fewer things to be encumbered by.

Sound familiar?

DREDIOCK · « **Reply #35 on:** January 10, 2008, 07:53:53 AM »

Actually no.
First consider we've been married someting like 25 years
But sex has always been something of an issue. And there has always been some sort of an excuse. Some of them actually quite legitimate
Thing is.

Shes run out of excuses that I am willing to accept
And she doesnt like my version of a compromise.
Add to that, We have different tastes. And attitudes about sex
Lets just say. If sex were ice cream.
She likes Vanilla. On very are occasion will try and really enjoy another flavor.
Whereas for me. Vanilla is ok sometimes. But as a steady diet I mostly find it boring as hell.
I prefer to try different flavors and really enjoy a bananna split with all the extras. (no Im not bisexual)

Now she always says just as she said the other night in our consultation "When we have sex we have great sex"
I was biting my tongue trying not to say. "no when we have sex YOU always have great sex I make sure of that by putting in the effort.

Now its not ALL bad. sometimes even vanilla can taste pretty good.
And there are rare...very rare moments when she puts forth the effort that she can be absolutely brilliant and its terrific for both of us. But those moments are few and far between.
Its the lack of effort on her part that to me is the most frustrating

I could go on with several pages on this subject alone. Not all of them really complaints, just differences in attitudes.
but I'll cover things as the thread dictates.

Financial
Being a contractor in the northeast things can get slow in the winter. Sometimes VERY slow. Particularly between now and Easter. And money can become very tight
This obviously causes friction. Thing is living in NJ there is a certaqin amount of money I HAVE to be able to make yearly just to survive here and meet our current bills. I cant make the kind of money I do make on my own working for someone else. and even if I could. I'd still be subject to the yearly slowdown. Only moreso because the worker always gets laid off before the owner runs out of work.
And the problem isnt completely the slowdown. Its the spending when I am making alot of money.(we both spend too much) And HER spending whenever things get tight.
Example. I had to put on hoild an exteriour I was doing because it got too cold both early in the morning and later in the afternoon. Which reduced the amount of time I could work on it to only a couple of hours a day.
Problem was my next customer cancelled out on me at the last minute without telling me which left me in limbo for about a week before I could start something else.
so money was tight for a couple of weeks.
Does she tighten the belt and be patient? No.
She takes money she did have and spends $300 on a new bed for my daughter which she didnt need.
She's VERY impulsive that way.
She gets angry or frustrated. She goes shopping.
Thats how I ended up with a pool and a king sized trampoline in my backyard.
Neither of which I particularly wanted.
Then she will look at her brother. also in business. and I think she gets jealous that he can always buy a new BMW. Take trips to europe. etc etc and we cant. And of course its MY fault.

Well maybe it is. At least to a certain extent. I dont claim to be completely without fault or blame.
But then again Im not the one who currently has his lawyer postponing a sentancing thats going ot send me to jail for a few years for bribing public officails either.

midnight Target · « **Reply #36 on:** January 10, 2008, 08:10:15 AM »

Whiner

lazs2 · « **Reply #37 on:** January 10, 2008, 08:25:09 AM »

well.. I was serious.

If you are comfortable pretending to be someone that they like then do that.. otherwise.. show em who you are from the gate.

I let women list all my flaws if it makes em happy.. I even agree with most of the "evaluation" I only tell em to shut up when they offer the "solution".. I don't want a solution.. I am quite happy with the way I am.

lazs

Curval · « **Reply #38 on:** January 10, 2008, 08:25:10 AM »

I'm glad you clarified that banana split comment.

You've certainly got the two big marriage issues on this one Dred...sex and money.

Hope things improve.

LePaul · « **Reply #39 on:** January 10, 2008, 09:28:56 AM »

Mrs Dred needs a job. And a course on budgeting.

And if she can't do that, Mr Dred should look for a younger model

lazs2 · « **Reply #40 on:** January 10, 2008, 02:43:48 PM »

I do admit that both of my divorces were worth every penny. You have no idea how misserable you are until the source no longer exists.

Life is so much better now.

lazs

AGM65 · « **Reply #41 on:** January 10, 2008, 10:03:50 PM »

Been there, done that. Personally, now I believe Smith and Wesson make the best marriage counselors.

yankedudel · « **Reply #42 on:** January 11, 2008, 02:05:15 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by AGM65
Been there, done that. Personally, now I believe Smith and Wesson make the best marriage counselors.

Sure thing Mr. Grant. They allow you a computer in jail?

SD67 · « **Reply #43 on:** January 11, 2008, 05:50:49 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by AGM65
Been there, done that. Personally, now I believe Smith and Wesson make the best marriage counselors.

That sounds just like my brother in law...

Anaxogoras · « **Reply #44 on:** January 11, 2008, 06:42:05 PM »

I've done some pre-marriage couseling, but because she and I had been living together for 2-3 years we had a lot of married couple issues. Contrary to what most here have experienced, the psychologist (female) was very even handed and even took my side on a few key points, saying that my lady was behaving irrationally. Imagine that.