Friday Funnies...

[LePaul]

One of my coworkers emailed this around.  I got a few good belly laughs out of these.  Enjoy!

Thank God for church ladies with  typewriters. These sentences actually
 appeared in church bulletins or were  announced in church services:
 
           --------------------------
 
 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 
   
           --------------------------
 
 
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
 
 
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

 
            --------------------------
 
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
 things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
 someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
 about you.
 
 
           --------------------------

 
Don't let worry kill you off - let  the Church help.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
 obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
           --------------------------
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
 downstairs.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
 help they can get.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter  were married on October 24 in the
 church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
 will follow.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
 Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
 several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans,  bottles, and other items to be
 recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
 person you want remembered.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and
 gracious hostility.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 
 
           --------------------------
 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
 be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
 from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies
 are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 
 
           --------------------------
 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
 lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
 the back door.
 
 
           --------------------------
 
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
 basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
 tragedy.
 

           --------------------------
 
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
 Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[red26]

/\/\/\

[Xasthur]

Hahhaha. I actually laughed out loud to a few of those.

Thanks

[Saxman]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

[Airscrew]