A. INTRO
I. What is this?
II. Defining 'Squeeker'
B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS
I. Squeakish
II. Where to find squeakers
III. Behavior of squeakers
IV. Squeaker religion
V. More about squeaker habitats
C. AVOIDING SQUEAKERS
I. Make sure you aren't one
II. Major squeaker avoiding strategies
------------------------
A. INTRO
I. What is this?
This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a squeaker is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating squeakers.
II. Defining 'Squeaker'
Contrary to the belief of many, a squeaker/squ34k3r and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Squeakers, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.
Noobs are often referred to as B-29 beggars as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as squeakers during this reading.
* Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.
B. COMMON SQUEAKER CHARACTERISTICS
I. Squeakish
Often, but not always, squeakers will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as "squ34kish." It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some squeakerish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.
hugs /../..an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!`` !! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLL l u n00b
Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other squeakers, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple squeakish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.
II. Where to find squeakers
On the internet, squeakers make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating squeakers, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies. THE SKUZZINATOR is one form of authority.
Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A squeaker can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of squeakers, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.
Off the internet, squeakers appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.
III. Behavior of squeakers
Since squeakers are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in squeakish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite agressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid sucession (the squeakish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).
It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-squeakers.
Squeakers have difficulty reading and writing English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority.
Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a squeaker (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a squeaker. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid squeakish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a squeaker and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.
IV. Squeaker Religion
Squeakers follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a squeaker uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.
V. More about squeaker habitats
Squeakers often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish.
They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only squeakers link to them. So if you can identify a squeaker, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.
C. AVOIDING SQUEEKERS
I. Make sure you aren't one
Note: This section is bilingual so even squeakers can make the discovery if they haven't already.
English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your squeakancy.
Squeakish (133713371337)- Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n hugsu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!! !! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337
II. Major squeaker avoiding strategies
The main factor in attracting migrating herds of squeakers is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid squeaker infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the squeakers find it.
Another way to keep squeakers from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without squeaker infestations.
Noob Talk: LAlWAlwalwalWAWLAWLAWA!~! ~!~!!!11!!! 1M NOtttt N0000BZ
