Liberals and Conservatives (Joke)

[Ripsnort]

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the love muffin.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Thank you for your time.

[Holden McGroin]

The largest and most powerful land animal maybe...  or does on earth mean on dirt?

[AquaShrimp]

Lol, this so-called joke illustrates the point that turns so many people off to conservatism.  For whatever reason, conservatives do not value education.  There is a stigma to it. 

[SteveBailey]

.  For whatever reason, conservatives do not value education. 

That you state the above serves to illuminate that your education is quite lacking.

[Shamus]

Rip, where do you get all this time? 

shamus

[MORAY37]

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the love muffin.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Thank you for your time.

So..the joke here is your irrational self-absorbtion, right?

[Ripsnort]

Rip, where do you get all this time? 

shamus

In between meetings, and during teleconferences when they're not asking me questions. 

[rpm]

What happened? Run out of racist jokes?

[AquaShrimp]

That you state the above serves to illuminate that your education is quite lacking.

Why don't you have another beer then head back to the steel mill.

[Ripsnort]

What happened? Run out of racist jokes?

Ooooooh...I can just feel the reflection of that mirror burning into your "Liberal-in-denial" soul. 

[WWhiskey]

I was just going to relate something one of my liberal friends told me(i only have two) but i'm not sure now , im afraid you might think me uneducated, well what the heck, my friend was asked if he belonged to an organized political party? his answer was, no, I'm a democrat
 it was just a funny, as the story above, so lighten up

[AquaShrimp]

I'm just wondering why the majority of intellectuals and academics in this country are liberal-leaning.  Its always the Democratic candidates who are pushing technological and educational incentives too.

[Ripsnort]

I'm just wondering why the majority of intellectuals and academics in this country are liberal-leaning.  Its always the Democratic candidates who are pushing technological and educational incentives too.

Discrimination. Obviously you're not a liberal or you'd have known that. 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A8427-2005Mar28.html

Rothman sees the findings as evidence of "possible discrimination" against conservatives in hiring and promotion. Even after factoring in levels of achievement, as measured by published work and organization memberships, "the most likely conclusion" is that "being conservative counts against you," he said. "It doesn't surprise me, because I've observed it happening." The study, however, describes this finding as "preliminary."

[Shuckins]

I don't know whether to tackle "liberal intellectual superiority" with reasoned argument or sarcasm.  Such an assumption is so basically egotistical that it is repugnant to any honest intellectual, whatever their political stripe.

Aquashrimp, I doubt that any of those who post on these boards, whether liberal or conservative, could have held their own in a debate with the late William F. Buckley, Jr.  His liberal intellectual peers might have disagreed with his views, but they would not have questioned his intelligence.  His liberal contemporaries, however, were cut from a different bolt of cloth than many of those of my generation.  The old-school liberals, for the most part, defended their views with gentlemanly discourse, and would not have been arrogant enough to assume that they, and they alone, had the intelligence to deal with knotty political, social, and economic problems.

Not so with liberals of the new persuasion.  I ran full up against the elitist, intellectual mentality of modern liberalism when I entered college in the early '70s as a wet-behind-the-ears freshman.  Liberal professors permeated the Social Studies departments, and lost no opportunity to belittle views of conservative students.  They were possessed of considerable intellectual ability and an equally considerable naivete' about the real world, and the enormous contributions to social order inherent in traditional social, religious, economic, and political viewpoints.  Like the ancient Romans, they saw themselves and their liberal compatriots as natural rulers.  I found such intellectual snootiness repulsive, and haven't changed that view much in the ensuing three decades since graduation.

As to the assertion that there is bigotry in the upper levels of academia, let me state I firmly believe that that is the case.  I've seen it in operation.  A conservative applying for a faculty position at a major university had best keep his political beliefs a secret during his/her interview with a liberal department head.  The merest whiff of conservatism during that interview is the kiss of death.

Certainly, there are still conservatives in the halls of our universities;  yet, I believe that there is a concerted effort to, over time, sweep them out. 

[AKIron]

Of course the number of uneducated leaning left is far greater than this "elite" group you mention Aquashrimp. Both groups seem to want something from the average person in the middle and embracing socialism seems to be the way for them to get it.