How do you define a squeaker?
The definition of 'squeaker' is tough to nail down. However, there is a collection of generally accepted indicators which serve to identify an individual as one with a decidedly obvious lack of vocal chord length.
We call it the Five Step Process.
Phase I.) Voice transmissions which could easily be mistaken for a nine year old practicing his or her violin.
The tried and true method. If it sounds like the balls haven't dropped, the probability that the speaker is a squeaker is approximately 94% (the remaining 6% being comprised of either females or men pretending to be females).
Phase II.) Complete lack of patience and/or inability to accurately assess time passed.
This is generally evidenced by an individual typing or speaking the same question (Example: "200: y is my plain so sloooooooww???") with little more than eight seconds in between and with excessive use of punctuation. If you have ever pressed the tilde key and noted the same individual having asked, within the space of one page of text, the same question three or more times, the probability that the typer is a squeaker is approximately 97% (the remaining 3% being comprised of intoxicated players exceeding the age of majority or, on Saturday nights, BiPoLaR, exclusively).
Phase III.) Excessive use of the Caps Lock key.
This is typically observed immediately after, and in relation to, #2 (Example: "200: Y IZ MY PLANE SOOOOOOO SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!?!?!?!?!?). Once a question has been asked three or more times without result, the squeaker will enter into an ADD-fueled rage as a means to achieve his aim. Punctuation will increase in severity (note introduction of exclamation points) and spelling often differs from the original version in some capacity. In the mind of the squeaker, you see, the Pavlovian association is made that if yelling at his parents gets him the toy, yelling on 200 will get him the answer. Probability of positive squeaker identification increases to near 98% at this point.
Phase IV.) Assumption of roles - A.) Commanding Officer: MATO and B.) Marv "Toothy" Albert
This stage is important and consists of two distinct parts, both of which will typically manifest themselves somewhere between 25 and 35 minutes after Phase I is observed. Once the suspect puts on his Main Arena Theater of Operations hat, positive squeaker identification is almost assured. The typical player is able to identify the CO:MATO hat by observing an almost obsessive need to instruct other players on how the game should be played. This may include the creation of missions within the first two in-game hours or it may include written or spoken instructions to other players (Example: "Country: GUYZ I NEED AN ESCORTWILL U ESORT ME SO I CAN BOMB!?!?"). Note the continued use of the Caps Lock key in addition to 'aggressive punctuation.' The probable squeaker knows exactly what he's doing, is important and so is his mission... and Golly-geenit... you'll listen.
The second part of this stage we refer to as the Marv "Toothy" Albert stage or the "Play-by-Play" stage. It usually occurs immediately following the first part and will manifest itself in the suspect announcing his every update; in particular those updates of a negative nature which YOU caused by not listening to him (Example: "Country: OH HELP SPT BEHING ME HELP GUY COMEON IN GOING IN" followed by "Country: IM HIT IM HIT IM GOING DON IN FLAME!!!1"). Again, you see, because you did not provide "escort" for his vital mission he is dead. Its your fault because, as we discussed, he knows exactly what he's doing. He will proceed to inform you of this, once more.
Probability of a false positive squeaker identification is mathematically insignificant, at this point; likelihood being in excess of 99%.
Phase V.) Do not Circumvent the Language Filter.
This is the final stage. The frustration level of the suspect is now at its height and no amount of Ritalin will stop the inevitable nervous breakdown. Following Phases I through IV, the suspect will self-destruct and come to the conclusion that the reason he is not having fun is because the game sucks. As has been typical in previous stages, you will be informed of this (Example: "200: OMG WHY CANT I TYPE G/\Y YOU GYZ SUCK BALLZ THIS IS STUPIFD F U").
At this point, the probability of positive squeaker identification is equal to 100%. There is no doubt that the individual in question is, in fact, likely a white, suburbia-located male between the ages of 9 and 14 who is simultaneously consuming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (no crust) and cursing your inability to protect his virtual aircraft.
