Thought some of you might get a kick out of this. It is from waaaaaaay back... I dont recall who the original writer was but it is right on target IMHO
Enjoy
Mo Nana’s
Air Warrior is like the Empire State building. And Air Warriors are like monkeys.
When ya first start you're a little, organ-grinder size monkey standing on the street outside. Looking up you see a building swarming with hostile monkeys of all different shapes and sizes. Monkeys are born to climb, and there ain't no Fay Wrays standing on the street, so instinct takes over and soon you're jousting for a handhold and making yer way up the wall.
Some are Fast Monkeys. A bit of natural ability combined with an in depth knowledge of climbing. They become familiar with the cracks and crevices of the particular building and begin to apply their knowledge within those parameters. Soon they are climbing, dodging, or scrambling right over some of the bigger monkeys and snatching bananas from the slower ones, growing bigger.
Others are Scrappy Monkeys. These monkeys spend extra time practicing. They ask lots of questions and live for the chance to go toe to toe with the bigger monkeys. They punch, kick, bite, claw, and spit at the monkeys above them. Scarred, bloody, and with big ol'chunks of fur ripped out they monkey butts they keep hammering. Occasionally they land a good blow, right in the monkey 'nards, and topple a bigger monkey. This inspires them to fight even harder. Soon they learn where to hit and when to duck. They begin to take their share of bananas.
Then there's the Hungry Monkeys. "Mo'nanas!, mo'nanas!" they chant as they cling to the wall from 6:01pm til 7:59 am. Calculating that mo'nanas go to the monkeys with mo hangtime they know that if they hang long enough they will get mo then their share of the 'nanas. Of course they need deep pockets to sustain this frenzy, can't eat all them 'nanas at once, and are prone to the dreaded "Banana Split". They must be very careful, lest they wind up another furry puddle of monkey guts in some alley off 34th street.
Also, ya got yer Techno Monkeys. Bumpy FrankenSchwanz in each paw, electrode catheters up their tails, anti-lock stainless steel vine swingers attached to their feet, gold plated groin clamps feeding g-inducing jugular valves hooked into the fastest system available, with the biggest monitor, tuned to peak performance and cranking out thru a megagigawatt, 3D, multi-usual Krakatoa Banana Blaster, these monkeys spend alot of time diddlin with their gadgets and tweaking their way up the wall.
And, we got MacGyver Monkeys. Riding systems that time forgot with nothing more than a handful of Froot Loops and a pile of bat guano they use every trick in the book, and plenty that ain't, to squirm their way heavenward. Always heavy, uncovering obscure and hidden bananas, they invent their way along using every micro-ounce of every banana that they managed to ensnare, even to the point of using the peels for clothing and shelter.
Advancing their altitudinous aspirations, AW Monkeys invariably encounter the various denizens of the virtual Jungle.
Most encounter the Hurler Monkeys first. Kinda like chimps, these sociable chaps gather in large communal halls, spending their time practicing monkey yells and poking each other in the navel. Once in awhile they venture out for a climb but are much happier chillin' with their mates on the middle floors, flingin' monkey turds and grinnin' at all what pass by.
Out on the wall a common first encounter is with a Sumo Monkey. These are the veteran Hungry Monkeys. They've been there twice, done that backwards. All the nonessential flotsam has been skimmed and the essence of the climb congealed to a Zen like "See monkey, knock monkey down" philosophy. When ya hear "Monkey X took my 'nanas 16 times in a row one day", Monkey X is most likely a Sumo.
No avoiding it, eventually every climber crosses ledges with Tribal monkeys. Wearing the skins of dead monkeys, gathering in private branches painted in various warlike colors, they belch, fart, thump 'n headbutt their way around looking for others to belch, fart, thump 'n headbutt with. An astute climber can get a good belly full a slightly bruised 'nanas by finding an area where 2 or more groups of tribal monkeys have been thump 'n headbuttin'.
Look way up there, see that fuzzy li'l dot? That there's a Vulcher Monkey. High above the crowd, with a 10k alt advantage on next week, they float. Looking for the unsuspecting or hurtin climber, sporting k/ds over 8000 and k/ss round .0125, their motto is, "where there's smoke...we fire! (but only after the monkey what caused the smoke has been kilt first.)"
Legend has it that in the penthouses are the Wrinkled Monkeys. Rarely climbing, (hey yer in the penthouse, why climb more?) they only venture out under dark glasses. They have the rare and exotic 'nanas. Highly sought but useless to but a few climbers that are twisted enough to understand their full meaning, the Wrinks are content to live on past glory. They enjoy tossing an occasional 'nana out the window just to see how many climbers fall off trying to grab it.
AND, of course, The Kong Monkeys. At the peak of prosperity, clinging to the radio tower, chest pounding, Fay grabbin', teeth gnashing, flicking planes away as tho they were insects, we find the Kings. Keelin', scorin', the anchors of their respective tribal units, when a climber sees a Kong Monkey on the wall he heads for another country. Whole tribal units have been de-'nana-ed by single Kong Monkeys.
Just when Joe Average Monkey thinks he's seen everything, along comes a Kong Monkey and gives that girl a twirl and makes her whole wurl swirl. Clashes between Kongs can sometimes alter the entire shape of the wall, cause the climb to take a whole nuther direction, provide lotsa ammo for the Hurlers...
NOW FIGHT LIKE APES
Later,
KayBay
