Military based jokes and cartoons thread

[Treize69]

Or Jokes by, about, and for Military Personnel (of all countries).

Some might not make too much sense to civvies, but I'm sure most will be self explanatory. I'll start.

Cav in Heaven

An old infantry soldier died and went to Heaven.  At the pearly gates he was greeted by Saint Peter, "Hey! Glad to see you made it!  You deserved to come to Heaven and we need more "grunts" up here.

The old grunt smiled and was about to step into Heaven when he stopped and said, "Saint Pete, you don't have any "CAV" up here, do you?  They picked on me my whole career, throwing MRE's, beer, and Coke cans at me as they rode by. I hate "CAV"!   

"No way!" said Saint Peter.  "There ain't no "CAV" here.  They stay down at Fiddlers Green." 

So the old grunt stepped into Heaven and immediately saw a gigantic cloud with a gun tube sticking out of it.  The old grunt heard all hell breaking loose - girls laughing and screaming. raucus music playing, and bottles breaking.  "Hey!  That's "CAV"!  You lied to me!"     

"No, no, no", said Saint Peter.  "That's the mechanized infantry."

The old grunt took no more than a few steps when he heard an even louder racket coming from another cloud which had an even bigger gun tube sticking out of it.  "That's "CAV"!, he screamed hysterically.

"Calm down", said Saint Peter.  "That's the field artillery - the guys that used to bail you out when things got rough on the battlefield." 

So the old grunt took another few steps and was immediately confronted by a Kiowa Warrior helicopter screaming around the corner, the gunner hunched over his sights, firing rockets and Hellfire missiles everywhere.  The pilot wore a Stetson, was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels in his left hand and a beautiful blond in his right arm.  Crossed sabres were painted on the side of the chopper.     "CAV! CAV!  That's the CAV!", screamed the old grunt.

 "NAW", said Saint Peter, "That's GOD.  He just thinks He's "CAV".

[Treize69]

1.  A General     =    Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and gives policy to God.

2.  A Colonel    =    Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful that a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm and talks to God.

3.  A Lieutenant Colonel    =    Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster that a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool and talks to God if a special request is approved.

4.  A Major    =    Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is  occasionally addressed by God.

5.  A Captain    =    Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, can dog paddle and talks to animals.

6.  A First Lieutenant    =    Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued  ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed and talks to water.

7.  A Second Lieutenant    =    Falls over door sill when trying to enter buildings, says "Look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

8.  An NCO    =    Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, freezes water with a single glance.... and is God.

[oakranger]

 

Good one treize69

[BaDkaRmA158Th]

Wtf is CAV?

[Treize69]

Cavalry. Also includes Aircav (see "Apocalypse Now") and Armor (aka "Armored Cavalry"). All three are covered undered the general title of "Cav".

[Hornet33]

An Air force General, an Army General, a Navy Admiral, and a Coast Guard Admiral are at a meeting. As they break for lunch the topic of which branch of service has the bravest troops comes up.

The Air Force General pipes up and says, "My Airmen are the bravest fighting men on the planet and I can prove it."

They all pile into their cars and drive down to the airfield where the General gets on the radio to talk to a pilot flying over the field. "Pilot I want you to nose that plane straight into the ground right now!!!" The pilot noses over and crashes right in front of all the officers. The Air Force General looks at the others and says, "See that takes real bravery to do something like when ordered to."

The Army General laughs and says, "That's nothing, my boys are better than that." So they all pile into their cars and drive down to the Army base where the general walks up to a soldier and tells him, "Son I want you to go jump on this live grenade to save you buddies." and the general tosses a grenade in the grass. The soilder runs over, jumps on the grenade and is promptly blown to pieces. The Army General looks at the others and says, "Now that takes real guts to get yourself blown up saving your buddies lives."

The Navy Admiral not to be out done chimes in, "Your guys don't know what bravery is, I can prove the Navy fighting man is the bravest there is." So they all pile in their cars and drive over to the Navy base and go aboard a ship. They all look over the side and see a bunch of sharks swimming around the ship and the Navy Admiral pushes a seaman over the side, then looks at anouther seaman and yells, "Man overboard, go get him son!!" Without hesitating the sailor jumps into the shark invested waters to save his buddy and they are both eaten alive. The Navy Admiral looks at the others and says, "That is what real courage is all about gentlmen."

They all look at the Coast Guard Admiral and one of them asks, "So what about your Coasties? Are they braver than our boys?" The Coast Guard Admiral thinks for a moment and then says, "Yep, I know they are, wanna see?" The rest of them smirk and say yes, so they all pile into their cars and drive out to the Coast Guard base. The Coast Guard Admiral sees a seaman up on the mast of one of the ships painting and yells up to him, "Sailor, I'm ordering you to dive off that mast right onto this pier headfirst!!" Without missing a beat the seaman replies, "With all due respect Admiral, you can kiss my butt!!!" and he goes back to painting.

The Coast Guard Admiral turns around smilling and says to the others, "Now THAT takes some serious gutts!!!"

[Slugger7]

Well here's a joke my friend told me, hes in the Navy and I'm joining the Air Force at one point. Hope you like it.  

An air force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Navy boy's harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Navy boy to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

[Spikes]

An Air force General, an Army General, a Navy Admiral, and a Coast Guard Admiral are at a meeting. As they break for lunch the topic of which branch of service has the bravest troops comes up.

The Air Force General pipes up and says, "My Airmen are the bravest fighting men on the planet and I can prove it."

They all pile into their cars and drive down to the airfield where the General gets on the radio to talk to a pilot flying over the field. "Pilot I want you to nose that plane straight into the ground right now!!!" The pilot noses over and crashes right in front of all the officers. The Air Force General looks at the others and says, "See that takes real bravery to do something like when ordered to."

The Army General laughs and says, "That's nothing, my boys are better than that." So they all pile into their cars and drive down to the Army base where the general walks up to a soldier and tells him, "Son I want you to go jump on this live grenade to save you buddies." and the general tosses a grenade in the grass. The soilder runs over, jumps on the grenade and is promptly blown to pieces. The Army General looks at the others and says, "Now that takes real guts to get yourself blown up saving your buddies lives."

The Navy Admiral not to be out done chimes in, "Your guys don't know what bravery is, I can prove the Navy fighting man is the bravest there is." So they all pile in their cars and drive over to the Navy base and go aboard a ship. They all look over the side and see a bunch of sharks swimming around the ship and the Navy Admiral pushes a seaman over the side, then looks at anouther seaman and yells, "Man overboard, go get him son!!" Without hesitating the sailor jumps into the shark invested waters to save his buddy and they are both eaten alive. The Navy Admiral looks at the others and says, "That is what real courage is all about gentlmen."

They all look at the Coast Guard Admiral and one of them asks, "So what about your Coasties? Are they braver than our boys?" The Coast Guard Admiral thinks for a moment and then says, "Yep, I know they are, wanna see?" The rest of them smirk and say yes, so they all pile into their cars and drive out to the Coast Guard base. The Coast Guard Admiral sees a seaman up on the mast of one of the ships painting and yells up to him, "Sailor, I'm ordering you to dive off that mast right onto this pier headfirst!!" Without missing a beat the seaman replies, "With all due respect Admiral, you can kiss my butt!!!" and he goes back to painting.

The Coast Guard Admiral turns around smilling and says to the others, "Now THAT takes some serious gutts!!!"

That was great!

[ColSuave]

2.  A Colonel    =    Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful that a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm and talks to God.

Nobody beleives me

[ColSuave]

Without missing a beat the seaman replies, "With all due respect Admiral, you can kiss my butt!!!" and he goes back to painting.

The Coast Guard Admiral turns around smilling and says to the others, "Now THAT takes some serious gutts!!!"

 

[Selino631]

An Air force General, an Army General, a Navy Admiral, and a Coast Guard Admiral are at a meeting. As they break for lunch the topic of which branch of service has the bravest troops comes up.

The Air Force General pipes up and says, "My Airmen are the bravest fighting men on the planet and I can prove it."

They all pile into their cars and drive down to the airfield where the General gets on the radio to talk to a pilot flying over the field. "Pilot I want you to nose that plane straight into the ground right now!!!" The pilot noses over and crashes right in front of all the officers. The Air Force General looks at the others and says, "See that takes real bravery to do something like when ordered to."

The Army General laughs and says, "That's nothing, my boys are better than that." So they all pile into their cars and drive down to the Army base where the general walks up to a soldier and tells him, "Son I want you to go jump on this live grenade to save you buddies." and the general tosses a grenade in the grass. The soilder runs over, jumps on the grenade and is promptly blown to pieces. The Army General looks at the others and says, "Now that takes real guts to get yourself blown up saving your buddies lives."

The Navy Admiral not to be out done chimes in, "Your guys don't know what bravery is, I can prove the Navy fighting man is the bravest there is." So they all pile in their cars and drive over to the Navy base and go aboard a ship. They all look over the side and see a bunch of sharks swimming around the ship and the Navy Admiral pushes a seaman over the side, then looks at anouther seaman and yells, "Man overboard, go get him son!!" Without hesitating the sailor jumps into the shark invested waters to save his buddy and they are both eaten alive. The Navy Admiral looks at the others and says, "That is what real courage is all about gentlmen."

They all look at the Coast Guard Admiral and one of them asks, "So what about your Coasties? Are they braver than our boys?" The Coast Guard Admiral thinks for a moment and then says, "Yep, I know they are, wanna see?" The rest of them smirk and say yes, so they all pile into their cars and drive out to the Coast Guard base. The Coast Guard Admiral sees a seaman up on the mast of one of the ships painting and yells up to him, "Sailor, I'm ordering you to dive off that mast right onto this pier headfirst!!" Without missing a beat the seaman replies, "With all due respect Admiral, you can kiss my butt!!!" and he goes back to painting.

The Coast Guard Admiral turns around smilling and says to the others, "Now THAT takes some serious gutts!!!"

hahaha that was funny

[Treize69]

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest, and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while sling loading anti-snake equipment, pilot cuts sling load. Sling load lands on snake and kills it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, can’t do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

[Mustaine]

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

 

[Treize69]

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire-fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."

[Treize69]