from some aviation bbs somewhere, comes the following exchange of letters between a young aspiring aviator, and a wise old veteran. I'm sure this has been on the AH board before, and I'm sure it will be placed here again in the future.
Sir,
My name is DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me
what It takes to be an F18 fighter pilot for the Navy. What classes
should I take in high school to help the career I want to pursue later in
my life? What could I do to get in the Naval Academy?
Sincerely,
DJ Baker
A worldly and jaded P-3 Pilot, LCDR Jay Beasley, rose to the task by
responding to DJ's letter...
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable
brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media
portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be
further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots
pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well
as being extremely overrated aeronautically.
However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USN pilot, I
offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is
the exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of Maritime Patrol. And
this, young DJ, means one thing....the venerable workhorse, THE P-3
Orion! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has flown a
mining run at 300 ft above the water, at 300 knots, while trying to
calculate a means of justifying an emergency divert to Pattaya Beach,
Thailand, avoiding shipping, and yelling at the TACCO, all while eating
a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the
navigator puking in his trash can!
I tell you, DJ, Maritime Patrol is where it's at! Where else is it legal
to throw hazardous material out of the aircraft, and not even give a
crap what Greenpeace and the other tree huggers think! No where else can
you crawl in the back of the aircraft and take a nap because you are so
hung over that focusing your eyes takes to much effort! And talk about
exotic travel? When P-3's go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 6
months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse
yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in
their mouths for the USN and Americans in general, not something those
jet jocks can do from their staterooms on a ship!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these: Take
a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you
can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world,
and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the copilot
really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the NAV believing he
owes the other 20%.
Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge
of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can
drink beer before the tremendous case of the ****s catches up to you
from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some
Godforsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good Patrol
Plane Commander (PPC) to have the cultural knowledge to be able to
ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in
the world. Then be able to persuade the local authorities to release the
RADAR operator, after he offends every sensibility of the local religion
and culture.
A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able
to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in Italy, and it's much easier to
ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters
and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey,
Pedro", in Puerto Rico it's "Juan", and in Italy, of course, it's
"Mario." These terms of address also serve in other countries
interchangeably.
A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic
location of all the places you've been when you get back from your
deployment and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world
map you've taped to your living room wall, right next to that gigantic
wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget
about that Naval Academy thing. All P-3 guy's know that there are waaay
too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced
education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.
