Steve! Don't eat it!

[Serenity]

While I'm not a fan of Fear Factor, or love muffin The Movie and I don't find gross things entertaining, this guy's write-ups are hilarious! I found this on stumble and thought I would share it. http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php

Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 6


Natto

I recently came across a container of fermented soybeans in the supermarket. I don't mean an old container of soybeans some stockboy forgot to toss. These are fermented-on-purpose soybeans from Japan. That's what Natto is.

I remembered hearing about this stuff on Iron Chef one time when it was the secret ingredient. The judges in the show were commenting on what a great job the chefs had done to "supress the smell" of the natto. I'm no Iron Chef, but I've got a clever way to supress the smell. Don't put it in your diddlying food. I might not win "Battle Natto," but I promise you my dinner won't smell like stank-a** soybeans.

I found it slightly unsettling that the sealed styrofoam container had creepy little airholes in it. As if what was inside needed to breathe. I dared to lift the lid, which made me regret that I needed to breathe. The natto was coated in some kind of sick slime and had the complex yet playful aroma of a dumpster in July.

Actually, the little pile inside looked kinda like baked beans. It also smelled kinda like baked beans. If they were baked in the filthy heat of Satan's rear.

natto

This particular batch was made by a company in Japan called Shirakiku. I haven't been able to determine if Shirakiku is a food manufacturer, or just a store that sells gag gifts and practical jokes. It might be both.

Not unlike Michael Jackson, these harmless soybeans had undergone some kind of hideous transformation. They were now a freakish version of their former selves. (Which, coincidentally, should also be kept away from your children.)

The most disturbing aspect of this stuff is it seems to get "activated" when you stir it. What I mean by this is, (and I may actually weep, but...) the slimy coating on the beans develops into stringy, stretchy, marshmallow-like strands that will forever haunt my dreams.

dripping with natto goodness

Basically, if you move it back and forth enough, you're left with a gross, sticky mess. (Hey, natto and I have at least one thing in common!) And now that I think about it, that's exactly what it looks like the pranksters back at Shirakiku did into my beans. You guuuys!

I force-fed myself a big ol' spoonful, and found it to be slightly rancid and extremely bitter. Unfortunately, swallowing didn't help dissipate the flavor because the strings of bean jizz melted, coating my mouth and lips with a glistening sheen of sadness.

The entire experience is difficult to describe, but if you can remember back to the very first time you made out with a hobo's a**, it's a lot like that.

What I find most hilarious is that there is an expiration date on the package. What could they possibly expect to happen to the product on this date THAT HAS NOT ALREADY OCCURRED?!!!

Also, nestled in this mound of compost was a li'l packet of mustard. In its place, I would strongly suggest a written apology.

I do have one last theory about the date on the package. It may be an expiration date, but not for the beans. If you finish the container, that's the day you die.

[Steve]

Whew, I just sat down with a Burger from Red Robin.... had me worried.

[Masherbrum]

Ragin Cajun Chicken Burgers pwn!   

[Steve]

Ragin Cajun Chicken Burgers pwn!   

Yup, they aren't on the menu here but they will serve them if you ask. Ragin Cajun, with ranch instead of that chipoltle mayo.

[Tac]

The description is not satirical. It is very, very accurate.

The first time I had Natto was in Japan when I was staying with a host family. They served it to me at 11 am as 'lunch' along with some very delicious food.

Now, just FYI.. im not queasy at all about food. I've eaten fried grasshoppers, roasted ants, I love raw fish and seaweed and literally I'll eat almost anything and try any food. When I was told its fermented soybeans all I could think of was 'neat! ill have some of that!'.

Big. Big mistake. To this day Natto is the ONE food.. the ONE food I will never touch again.

The smell was very strong and yes, it smells like something that's gone bad. Well, like something that went bad quite some time ago. But that didnt stop me from trying, i've eaten things that smelled worse and were wonderful.

But no. Natto...

its like something that crawled into a sewer and died there last week. The smell, the texture, the taste.. absolutely revolting. It was sheer willpower and the thought of how embarassing it would be if I puked over my host family's dinner table that kept me from violently returning the natto back into its container.

also of note, much later in that trip at a restaurant I had the guts to try it again..thinking maybe the host family had given me a super-strong version of natto.

never again.

[Masherbrum]

Yup, they aren't on the menu here but they will serve them if you ask. Ragin Cajun, with ranch instead of that chipoltle mayo.

    I'll have to try the Ranch.   I typically get em, Ian loves going there.   So about once a month, just enough to space em out. 

[APDrone]

Whew, I just sat down with a Burger from Red Robin.... had me worried.

  

I hope it was the Royal Red Robin burger. 

That's some mighty fine eatin' there.

Almost, but just not quite, as good as Fudruckers.

As far as Natto..   Sometimes there are things that there really is no need to try.


I'll add this to my list.
Thanks for the warning.