Jeff: Isn't the plumber here yet? I've been plugging this leak with my finger for 3 hours!
Janet: Well you can stop now, the house is on fire.
I like to get the most out of my mystery novels...I always start in the middle, so not only do I wonder how it'll end, I also wonder how it began.
Passenger: Driver, does this bus stop at the river?
Driver: Well, if you hear a really big splash, the answer is no!
Captain: Private, there's a squad of enemy soldiers hiding in that stand of trees, I want you to go in there and flush them out.
Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out of the woods, don't shoot the one in front!
Blonde: Boy, do I feel lousy. I've been on a train for three hours, riding backwards the whole time!
Chuck: Why didn't you switch seats with the person across from you?
Blonde: I would have, but there's no one in the seat across from me.
Bill: I can't figure out why it's so hard, Phil, but my wife just doesn't understand me. Does yours?
Phil: I doubt it. She's never even mentioned your name.
Lady: Young man, will you call me a taxi?
Doorman: Certainly, Madam. You are a taxi.
Nora: We were right in the path of the tornado!
Dan: Was your house damaged?
Nora: We won't know until we find it.
A man walked into a bar with a large carrot tucked behind his ear. The bartender noticed but decided not to say anything, figuring the man was just waiting to be asked about it. For 30 consecutive days the man came into the bar wearing a carrot. On the 31st day, the man entered with a bannana behind his ear, and the bartender broke down.
"Okay, I give up. WHY are you wearing a bannana behind your ear?" he asked.
"Couldn't find a carrot today," replied the man.
