(As a contribution to advanced analysis also found in AV-forum.)
International scientists have finally managed to summarize some of the less pleasant lifeforms present on today’s HTC BBS.
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Troll (Diarrhea Vulgaris)
These hideous creatures lurk in caverns or severs during the day, but do not get fooled by this, they have an excellent scent for meaty threads they can dig their rotten teeth in at any time of day. While a strong thread can well survive an attack of one or two of these creatures, a bit thread will never be the same again, no matter how well the Mod tries to patch it after wards. More trolls and worse bites and usually the Mod needs to put the whole thread to rest.
In darker places like O’Club these creatures roam relatively free and you can get a climpse of them in all their splendor, running around sometimes naked or sometimes dressed only in a flag. In the darkness of O’Club these creatures can really let it rip and usually the Mod gets to mop their mess all night so that kids would not see it when they come in the morning to see if the new Wednesday Babe (TM) would be uploaded yet (even if it is Monday...).
These creatures do not really play the game either, but stay around just for fun they get for “participating” the discussion. Many times these hideous creatures die of boredom. Many times... (see Zombie).
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Bug (Moronica Dyslexicum)
There creatures come with two or less fingers and you can find them practically anywhere and anytime. As quickly as you sigh in relief that there has not been one around in ages one is sure to pop out right in front of you. Recognizing is usually quite easy. Low post count and the lack of general knowledge of punctuation and paragraphing and chronic lack of “shift”- button are the usual tell tales of their presence. If you manage to go through the wall of text they have diligently managed to produce you usually have to read it all through again and again, and every time the text seems to have a different meaning... or no meaning at all. These creatures horde usually in Wishlist forum but can be seen practically in any forum. The subject field is usually unintelligible or if it isn’t it can be determined that it is in wrong forum. When asked their age the answer is usually anything like 21, 31, 41 or even 51, but intentionally or for just a common typo the numbers are usually reversed. Of course an understandable mistake as these buggers do not proofread as they are not that pateint.. patneit.. paintet.. whatever.
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Barking Dog (Canis Lupus Latratis)
These little devils are quite annoying and annoying can eventually get you killed. If you get their attention it is recommended to stand still and let them rip and chew your pants off (from knee down). There are records of even dinosaurs getting irritated to go berzerk and the ÜberMod has had to but those poor dumb buggers to rest because they started to trample even on His sensitive toes. All because of those little barking dogs, and they cannot even harm a dinosaur, but the dumb dinosaur does not realize that.
After the dinosaur has well composed into virtual oblivion the little barking dogs run around threads lifting their leg and “marking” every thread they come upon so that everybody know the dinosaur is dead and this is now their turf. Every now and then a little gas may be released which curiously smells like a rotten dinosaur. A warning perhaps, or just an advanced form of pack communication? No one knows for sure.
Annoying as they are the Mod cannot shoot them, you cannot shoot the dog for barking and pissing around, can you? It’s a DAWG fer Chrissake!!! Rather easy to identify though, post count inversely proportional to IQ, also evident by the typical one sentence comments to any thread of any subject usually having nothing to do with nor contributing to the general subject. It is entertaining to watch these “things” to bark at each other, though. Huge hassle and noise and smell off piss until they run out of hot air and nothing sensible comes out of it.
Visiting a thread infested by these buggers and getting “marked” can cause irritation and pimples which can be effectively cured by a bottle of beer. If you get all soaked use a bottle of single malt instead.
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Zombie (Mortuus Mortuus) (+Gravedigger (Tumulus Sepulcruma))
Zombies come in many forms and are sometimes accompanied by a tenacious Gravedigger.
As mentioned earlier some Trolls do not always die and if somebody makes a mistake of calling them aloud they may come back as a Zombie, loaded with a nasty rotting scent for composing in their hideout for years and fierce as hell. Older dwellers usually recognize these creatures, freeze in terror and run away from thread but some younger dwellers may unsuspectingly engage into a discourse with these creatures and in short manner get devoured. Usually these creatures realize after awhile that world has not changed a bit after all, and belly full of forum dweebs drag themselves back to their dark hideout until some unfortunate soul calls their name again. Zombie Trolls are usually quite radioactive and it is not recommended to even visit the threads they dwell in to prevent getting a radiational disease or a tumor in some inconvenient place .
Another form of Zombie is associated with Gravedigger. What separates this fortunate form of Zombie is that it knows it is dead, and wants to stay that way, even if somebody digs it up and brings for everybody to see.
Enter the Gravedigger. This tenacious little fellow digs through old threads long dead looking for “tresures” and bring small bones, rotting branches, stones, composing parts of bodies or even whole Zombies for all to see as his “contribution” to the topic. There are even stories of a feisty Gravedigger for dragging a whole semetery into a thread for all to see.
Usually these entrepreneurs are put down by their more sane forum fellows and they promise not to dig the old things again. But the scent of rot and decay draws them irresistibly back to Cemetery of Old Threads...
And what about the cemetery that was dragged into a fresh lively thread? Well, the Mod had to close it down and cast it into concrete because of the stench and nobody wanted to hear of the thing never ever again.
Sweet dreams!
-C+
