For Dads with Daughters

[rogwar]

Don't know anything about this car but the ad is cute. Mine is currently 12 going on 18.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qf8OGLqE1s

[Dichotomy]

Dang I thought it was this classic

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Plazus]

Nice post Dichotomy. I can understand how much a father would love his daughter. But a father going to that extreme? Good lord! 

[Dichotomy]

it's old but if I HAD a teen daughter that would be the 'nice' version..

[Lusche]

<SNIP>

Talking about cultural differences...

When I was young, I found this particular part of American culture very strange. There were all those American  comedy series making fun out of this phenomenon that doesn't exist here in Germany. All that shotgun dad references, "touch my daughter and you are dead stuff", rules like those above - most jokes didn't really work because the background on which they are playing was totally alien to a German teenager. Similar with all that "it's the right thing to wait" (you know what I mean ) stuff in comedy series like The Cosby Show.
A cultural gap of several thousand miles indeed.

[Dichotomy]

Lusche

It's a cut and paste joke.  To get me to use a firearm on somebody I'd have to feel like my life or the life the lives of my loved ones were in imminent danger.  In fact to get me to use a firearm on anything other than that or a piece of paper or a clay pigeon (well okay zombies are excluded) would be quite a stretch.  I can buy meat at the store a heck of a lot cheaper than it would be to go hunt it or fish it and I'm so lazy I married a pregnant woman.     

But it's funny to me nonetheless.

 

[Lusche]

Lusche

It's a cut and paste joke. 

I know. 

I was just trying to point out how... odd  that quite popular kind of humor is for us here, because the more serious cultural concept it's basing on is very different from culture here.

[bcadoo]

We leave in the morning to take my little girl to college.  I'm doing ok, but momma's having a hard time.  (This is our oldest daughter...the younger one is only a year behind so we get to do it again next year)

[ink]

I have 6 daughters... I am covered head to toe in tattoo's, my face is tattooed, . I'm 6 ft 220. I have done prison time, I have been told many, many times I am a very intimidating guy.

I have spoken with the kids that want to date my girls along the lines of this...." I understand why you would want to date my Daughter, I don't understand why she wants to date you, I want you to know I would easily die for her, how much easier would it be for me to kill for her, Harm her in any way..."

when I have done this I look the kid dead in the eye, they get the point very quickly.

[bagrat]

Talking about cultural differences...

When I was young, I found this particular part of American culture very strange. There were all those American  comedy series making fun out of this phenomenon that doesn't exist here in Germany. All that shotgun dad references, "touch my daughter and you are dead stuff", rules like those above - most jokes didn't really work because the background on which they are playing was totally alien to a German teenager. Similar with all that "it's the right thing to wait" (you know what I mean ) stuff in comedy series like The Cosby Show.
A cultural gap of several thousand miles indeed.

hang on i saw an article about u germans, stealing daughters from other towns in the dark of the night which u intended to wed. so this is where the best man originates from because when the family came to get their daughter back , it was up to the groom an best man to fight off everyone who attempted this.

[oakranger]

Dang I thought it was this classic

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I have three items that i will let that guys see every day he is present with my daughter.  A tomahawk axe, wooded war club (walnut) and a .75 cal Brown Bess flint lock rifle.  Oh, and a seven inch knife with a deer antler as a handle to finish him off by scalping.  If he dose not get the message, he has one second to run before use one of these items. 

[Larry]

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

[DaCoon]

My daughter is 14 and will probably want to start dating soon. Living in a state that is mostly swamp, I don't worry too much with how to get rid of problem boys that would seek to act inappropriately with my lil girl.    

[Ghosth]

Dicho thats one extreme, and indeed many fathers would love be that tough when it comes to protecting their girls.

Doing nothing, letting her run wild is the other extreme.

Finding a middle ground, now that can be hard.
I'm lucky, I recently got mine married to a nice kid. So now all I have to do is teach my son in law how to do the same when its her turn.

I will admit, a couple of the boyfriends that looked particularly scruffy got shown the shotgun.
Then told if she comes home crying, this is the last thing you'll see. Then you drop the line that if you can hit 49 5" clay targets in a row at 50 yards what do you think are the odds of missing him at that range.

Amazingly effective!

Remember, you have to let them make some of their own mistakes. After all how did you learn?
Remember, that if you push too hard, you won't be invited to the "fun" stuff, like weddings, etc.
Remember that if you taught them right in the first place they know what to watch out for.

[Reschke]

I have both ends of the spectrum now.

I have a son that is 5' 10" 140lbs and is about to turn 14. All the dads of cute little girls come to us and talk about how respectful that he is and how much they like him. He knows how to shoot, can fish and provide for himself. He knows that the minute I get a phone call or another parent coming to the house to talk with him about how treating a girl badly then I will be taking care of it. The other father will get to watch.

Then I have a 7 year old son that knows all that is older brother knows and will not make the same mistakes big brother makes.

Then comes the little 3 year old girl. Thank goodness she is the last because after her we wouldn't have had another. She will be 4 years behind the middle one in school. He is very protective of his sister and like some others I tend to speak my mind and let my quiet nature and eye contact do the talking. Just before I explode.