Author Topic: You know you're a redneck when......  (Read 623 times)

Offline Wayout

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 813
You know you're a redneck when......
« on: August 29, 2010, 02:04:23 PM »
You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

  For most people the sky is the limit.  For a pilot the sky is home.

Offline 68ZooM

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6337
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2010, 02:38:18 PM »
  :rofl  :rofl  :rofl  those are good  :aok  reminds me of a few people thou  :uhoh

edit.. you forgot   if you use rope to floss with... you might be a redneck
« Last Edit: August 29, 2010, 02:58:10 PM by 68ZooM »
UrSelf...Pigs On The Wing...Retired

Was me, I bumped a power cord. HiTEch

Offline Grisbeau

  • Zinc Member
  • *
  • Posts: 39
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2010, 02:52:50 PM »
Bubba, a redneck from Georgia, decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country.
When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the International Paper Company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.
It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet.".

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy. He's been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test.
They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.
This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "white oak, 242 board feet at best."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked-off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there? I want you to mark an "x" on the front of that tree!"
The foreman thinks to himself, "he's an "idiot. How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white "x" on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That thar's the front,"the redneck says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot, cleaning it in the gravel and replies,"cuz somebody took a dump behind it!"

he got the job!
IRON MAN - Fictional superhero.
Iron Woman - Simple command.

Offline fbWldcat

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2970
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2010, 03:41:15 PM »
If the number of guns and children you have both exceed 6.
If you help your friend move his fridge and the grass underneath it has turned yeller.
If everything you own has at least five duct tape patches on it, and your truck has at least 4 rolls put into it.
If you get scratched by a rusty hole in your truck and you just suck out the old iron.
If you can't tell what color the carpet in your boat originally was.
You know at least 10 different ways to open things with your teeth, and several more with either a mallet, hammer or screwdriver.
When you drive into town and at least 6 items fly out the back and a trail of 'baccy spit can be seen from your house to the drugstore.
When you're out of matches at a barbecue, your friend hands you his lit cigarette to do the job.
If your truck has more miles than Betty White on it, and has never gone in for an official tune up.
If you have several old cars that haven't seen the road in 50 years.
If trees in your area have bobbers and fishing lures as decor.
If every time you want to go eat a sit-down dinner with your wife, you go to the local gas station.
If your definition of a great time out on the lake is blowing up fish with illegal explosives and sticking your hand in some underwater hole hoping that a catfish will bite it.
If at least 1/2 of your yearly earnings is hanging up on the wall with the shotgun or lure you took them with.
When home improvement could be considered living in the chicken coop.
You've been stuck countless times by barbed wire doing things at night, trying to evade the watchful eye of whoever owns the property and the shotgun which is more than likely locked and loaded.
Landing is overrated.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I: I took the one less traveled by." - Robert Frost
"Uncommon valor was a common virtue." <S>

Offline danny76

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2583
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2010, 04:23:22 PM »
your porch collapses and 9 dogs are killed
"You kill 'em all, I'll eat the BATCO!"
The GFC

"Not within a thousand years will man ever fly" - Wilbur Wright

Offline jay

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 889
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2010, 07:48:31 PM »
aint and yall are used in the same sentance almost always
every other guy and his brother have a fish hook in there hat
ur freinds get in fist fights over ford or chevy
"He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain of being a man." Dr.Johnson


Offline tmetal

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2279
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2010, 12:34:12 PM »
Your home has wheels on it but isn't moble.
You go "grocery" shopping wearing camo and carrying a deer rifle
Your most comfortable pair of shorts use to be your most comfortable pair of jeans
You consider a black, stain free t-shirt to be appropriate for weddings and funerals
You can't fix your truck because you're out of duct tape and/or baling wire
Anybody is welcome to sit and relax on your front porch (just shoo the dogs off the chairs first)
You mow the lawn and find that missing car part you were looking for
The real problem is anyone should feel like they can come to this forum and make a wish without being treated in a derogatory manner.  The only discussion should be centered around whether it would work, or how it would work and so on always in a respectful manner.

-Skuzzy 5/18/17

Offline Shuffler

  • Radioactive Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 27068
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2010, 01:15:36 PM »
Your push mower has 3 wheels an engine, a seat and a steering wheel.






or..... Team Mowing

80th FS "Headhunters"

S.A.P.P.- Secret Association Of P-38 Pilots (Lightning In A Bottle)

Offline Sperky

  • Copper Member
  • **
  • Posts: 156
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2010, 01:24:53 PM »
If your family tree doesn't fork...
If you've ever been too drunk to fish...
If your Dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade...
If you've ever been accused of lyin' through your tooth...
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car...
If you go to the family reunion to meet women...
If you think n-sync is where your dirty dishes go...
If you've been on the TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like...
If your Mom can tell a State Trooper to kiss her prettythang without taking the marlboro out of her mouth...
If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...
If you see a sign that says "say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up...
Taco Cat spelled backward is Taco Cat

Offline Wayout

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 813
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2010, 02:20:01 PM »
 A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

 The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is
heard...

 The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

  For most people the sky is the limit.  For a pilot the sky is home.

Offline fbWldcat

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2970
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2010, 05:48:52 PM »
If your family tree doesn't fork...
If you've ever been too drunk to fish...
If your Dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade...
If you've ever been accused of lyin' through your tooth...
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car...
If you go to the family reunion to meet women...
If you think n-sync is where your dirty dishes go...
If you've been on the TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like...
If your Mom can tell a State Trooper to kiss her prettythang without taking the marlboro out of her mouth...
If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...
If you see a sign that says "say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up...

Ones from Jeff Foxworthy don't count
Landing is overrated.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I: I took the one less traveled by." - Robert Frost
"Uncommon valor was a common virtue." <S>

Offline Tupac

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 5056
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2010, 06:22:20 PM »
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods


A bit redundant, however acceptable.


You might be a redneck if you have less teeth than the amount of times you have seen Sasquatch.
"It was once believed that an infinite number of monkeys, typing on an infinite number of keyboards, would eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. However, with the advent of Internet messageboards we now know this is not the case."

Offline guncrasher

  • Plutonium Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 17360
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2010, 03:49:45 AM »
you ever had to fight an alien invasion to rescue your prize pig Bessie.


semp
you dont want me to ho, dont point your plane at me.

Offline jay

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 889
Re: You know you're a redneck when......
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2010, 03:29:58 PM »
you ever had to fight an alien invasion to rescue your prize pig Bessie.


semp

loved that game when i was young,my uncle played it all the time
"He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain of being a man." Dr.Johnson