Once, when I was on a hiking trip with my fellow Green Earth patrons (We were at Obama's inauguration) we came upon a grove of trees that spoke out to us.
As we gathered in a circle, and began our tree wailing seance, we noticed a brown creature with many legs crawling up the side of the tree.
We felt as though this creature was speaking out to us, or perhaps the Starbucks coffee cups that we had collected and set up an offering to the Tree Gods.
Then we realized that perhaps this Pacific Northwest octopus was calling out to our God, Sasquatish Greenellish Humongus.
After 36 hours of seance, the creature did not move more than one inch. Mark Zuckerberg, one of our tribe that made the hike that day with us, suggested that we eat the creature, since
most of us had completely forgotten to bring our tofu, leafy organics and organic flower torts.
We tried to stop Mark, and he made a dash for the creature, with a knife that he had slipped into his backpack prior to the trip. Had we known that he possessed
a weapon of mass destruction, we would have never let the billionaire on the hike with our group.
As he approached the creature, it lashed out at Mark with a tenacle to Mark's face, pulling him in like a scene from Alien, then latched on and planted its entire body onto
Mark's face. We spent the next 4 hours trying to remove the creature with our biodegradable forks and knives with no luck.
After what seemed an eternity, Mark’s belly suddenly ruptured and a new version of the Apple iPhone the size of a HP Desktop erupted from his belly. We fell back in shock as blood, guts and a huge Apple PC began trembling with life, then shot off into the woods, screaming “Let’s meet for lunch! Let’s meet for lunch” echoed through the forest.
Since this fateful day, the trauma of what occurred on this day changed my life forever. I have totally written off the vegan life, Starbucks, and began hunting wild game with my bare hands and I have gone back to using MySpace and have an obsession with trolling the PETA boards.
The end.
