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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
I love your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those diddlying birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
a swimming." What kind of a whoopee joke is this? These birds toejam
all over the house and they never stop with that awful whoopee racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those diddlying birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their whoopee cows! There is toejam all over the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey toejamhead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching diddlying birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten salamander,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these
sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and all the whoopee racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of toejam! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, amazinhunk!
One who means it!!!
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen diddlyhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
"Nemo me impune lacessit"
GC III/2 "Alsace"[This message has been edited by nonoht (edited 06-08-2000).]
