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Funny Air Traffic Controller Conversations
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us
another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet
fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot
that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the
fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa
(in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I
speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-
tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was
dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage
to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there
and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the
humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
married to you once?"
