Funny Jokes needed ASAP

[Melvin]

Greetings gents.

Due to extremely long hours and two equipment failures, the moral of the crew is very low.

Fortunately we have been able to fix the equipment and will be moving forward in the morning. However, everyone is in a bit of a funk. Even our normally jovial team leader is feeling blue (and he gets two weeks off starting tomorrow).

I need some funny jokes or anecdotes to tell on the ride to the shop in the morning. You know, something to make the gang crack a smile.

I haven't got any jokes of my own because I'm only funny looking. I actually loath humor.

Thanks in advance.

 

[dunnrite]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[F22RaptorDude]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[titanic3]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

*Some 30 years into the future*

George W. Bush has died, and has been sent to Hell. The Devil notices him and asks him to come over.

"You know Bush, I've been waiting a long time for you, but since you're so special, I'll make you a deal."

"What's the deal?"

"You get to pick your own punishment", says the Devil.

"Really? This was better than I expected!"

So the Devil leads Bush to the first room. He sees people being boiled alive in a huge cauldron.
Bush shakes his head, "No, I don't think I would like that."

The Devil then takes him to the second room. He sees people being skewered by multiple devils with pikes.
Bush shakes his head, "No, this is too painful."

Finally, the Devil takes Bush to the third room. Here, he notices John Kerry on a bed receiving a BJ from Sarah Palin.
"This is the definitely the room for me! I choose this one."

"Very well" said the Devil.
"Sarah, you're free to go."

[Dichotomy]

ppffffffffffttttttttttttttttt ttttttttttttt



 

[2ADoc]

Two guys are on the golf course, when they come up on 2 ladies that are playing.  The two ladies offer to let the two guys play thru.  The 2 guys decline figuring might as well let the ladies go first.  The first lady swings and it is a great drive, straight down the fairway.  The second lady swings, shanks and the ball falls off the tee.  The second lady looks at the 2 guys and says" a lot of good those Fu(&/?!ing lesons did." one of the guys looks at her and says,"maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead".  He never had a chance to duck.

[B-17]

Give me that Windex bottle..........

These are good ones.

What's the difference between an onion and the bagpipes?
Noone cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

Why do bagpipers march when they play?
Harder to hit a moving target.

How does one get two bagpipers to play in tune?
You don't.

[ozrocker]

We were so poor when I was a kid,
We used to go to KFC to
licked the other people's fingers.


                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                              Oz

                                                                                                                                         

[tmetal]

What has four arms, four legs, and never works out?


Marrage.

[wil3ur]

The Pope is coming to a local Parish for dinner, and in his honor they plan on serving him Loaves and Fishes in honor of Jesus feeding the masses...  So as the priests and nuns go about readying the meal, a Nun and Priest go out to catch fresh fish for dinner.  After a few hours, the priest finally lands a huge fish and drags it up to the Nun to be cleaned saying, "Would you look at the size of that Dirty SOB (cleaned up for here)?!?!"

The nun gasps and says, "Excuse me but I am a woman of the Lord, please don't speak to me this way!"

The priest explains, "Nonono, you see, I caught this fish and as God had Adam name the beasts of the world, I too have named this fish Dirty SOB, so it's not bad..."

The Nun nods seeing the wisdom in his words and says, "Well hand that Dirty SOB over here so I can clean him up."  She scales and cleans the fish, and her and the priest return to the Parish to hand it over to be cooked.  Upon arriving in the kitchen, the nun slams the fish on the table and says, "Brother, Fry this Dirty SOB up!"

The cook also gasps and says, "My good Lady, I am a man of the Lord, please speak respectfully and without curse in my presence!"

The Nun immediately explains the naming ritual and the cook nods and says, "Then hand that Dirty SOB over here and I'll fry it up!"

Finally the Pope arrives and dinner is placed on the table.  The group says grace and unveils the fresh loaves and the huge fish caught earlier in the day.  Upon seeing this prize catch the Pope states, "My my, what a lovely fish you've served me..."

Still excited from their catch the nun immediately pipes in, "Yeah, He caught the Dirty SOB, I cleaned the Dirty SOB up and he fried the Dirty SOB."

...the table goes silent, then the Pope exclaims, "Hey you F*#&ers are all right!"

[cattb]

A elderly couple driving home from a event get pulled over by the police. The policeman walks up to the car.
The policeman  says " Sir I am pulling you over for speeding.
The mans wife who is hard of hearing ask "What did he say?"
The man replies, " says he pulled us over for speeding."
The policeman  says" Where are you going?"
The man replies," We are going home to the town of Cornhusker."
 The wife ask." What did he say?"
 The man says," wants to know where we are going."
The policeman says," I once dated a women from the town you live in. She was a real bi#%h."
 The wife ask once again, " What did he say?"
 The man says " The policeman thinks he has met you before."

[M0nkey_Man]

A elderly couple driving home from a event get pulled over by the police. The policeman walks up to the car.
The policeman  says " Sir I am pulling you over for speeding.
The mans wife who is hard of hearing ask "What did he say?"
The man replies, " says he pulled us over for speeding."
The policeman  says" Where are you going?"
The man replies," We are going home to the town of Cornhusker."
 The wife ask." What did he say?"
 The man says," wants to know where we are going."
The policeman says," I once dated a women from the town you live in. She was a real bi#%h."
 The wife ask once again, " What did he say?"
 The man says " The policeman thinks he has met you before."

[titanic3]

A priest and a nun went out for a round of golf.

They play and play and the priest plays a great game until the 16th hole.

He swings, and misses completely, and exclaims "Golly-geemit, I missed!"
The nun gasps and says "Father! Please! Your language!"
"Alright alright", says the priest.

He comes to the 17th hole, swings and misses again.
"F@$&!" yells the priest.
"Father! Please! It is not right to speak like that."

"Alright alright, if I ever utter another foul word again, may Heaven open up and God smite me down."

They get to the 18th hole, the priest lines up the putter, confident that he'll make it. Swings, but misses again.
"Motherf&@ker!! I missed again!"

Suddenly, the heavens open up, the clouds turn gray and a bolt of lightning comes down, instantly killing the nun.
The priest looks up and hears a loud booming voice.

"F@&$! I missed!"

[wil3ur]

A priest and a nun went out for a round of golf.

They play and play and the priest plays a great game until the 16th hole.

He swings, and misses completely, and exclaims "Golly-geemit, I missed!"
The nun gasps and says "Father! Please! Your language!"
"Alright alright", says the priest.

He comes to the 17th hole, swings and misses again.
"F@$&!" yells the priest.
"Father! Please! It is not right to speak like that."

"Alright alright, if I ever utter another foul word again, may Heaven open up and God smite me down."

They get to the 18th hole, the priest lines up the putter, confident that he'll make it. Swings, but misses again.
"Motherf&@ker!! I missed again!"

Suddenly, the heavens open up, the clouds turn gray and a bolt of lightning comes down, instantly killing the nun.
The priest looks up and hears a loud booming voice.

"F@&$! I missed!"

 

[coombz]

A Catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar

He orders a beer