Joke thread

[mechanic]

Why do you put a baby into a liquidizer feet first?
So you can see the look on it's face.

[ebfd11]

ok I will try to be as clean as I can..

Little johnny is sitting in the back of the class when the teacher asks the class to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.

Little Suzy stands up and says " When my daddy goes to the bathroom standing up its because he has to urinate."

Little johnny raises his hand..and the teacher picks little Jimmy "May I go to the bathroom mam?? I need to urinate?"

Little Johnny is getting rabid wanting to answer so the teacher decides to pick him

"ok, Johnny but remember to be nice"

"OK teach.. urinate but with bigger boobs your a ten"

_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ ____________________


How can you tell if a SWIFT driver was at your home when you were gone???

The dog is pregnant, the mailbox is crushed and he used all your preparation H

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What did Roy say to Dale when they came across the road kill in the road??

"you gonna eat that??"

...

Favale says to his wife, "Were you faking it last night?"
She says, "No, I was really asleep."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A high school couple's in the movies.
The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."
He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."



LawnDart

[Bino]

The long-winded English commanding officer addressed his battalion of Highland infantry, the occasion being the Queen's Birthday.  He droned on and on... and on.  Along last, he wrapped up his speech, declaming in stentorian tones, "...I was born as an Englishman, I serve as an Englishman, and by Heaven I shall die as an Englishman!"

A voice at the back of the hall piped up, "Wass th' matter, mon?  Ha' ye no ambition?"

[Bizman]

A Silicon Valley IT pro got tired of the rat race and moved to the mountains. After having happily lived there all alone for half a year in perfect harmony with himself and the surrounding nature, he suddenly one day hears somebody knocking on his door. It was a backwoods hillbilly, introducing himself as the neighbour from a couple of miles away and asked if he'd like to join a neighbourhood party in the evening. Well, why not, some social life after half a year would be nice... So he accepted the invitation.

"Oh, before I leave, I must warn you there'll be heavy drinking during the night." Well, okay, been practising boozing for twenty or so years, can drink anyone under the table, no problem with that.

"Oh, I must tell that folks might get aggressive when drunk..." Nah, always been good with every kind of people in various moods, no problem, will join the party.

"Oh, just one thing before I leave: Later during them parties people most likely have rough sex..." Oh, that'd do no harm after half a year of celibacy. See ya in the evening!

Oh, there's one question though: What to wear?

"Anything you like, it's just the two of us."

[Ardy123]

why was Cinderella thrown out of the toy box?

[Ardy123]

... she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!!!! Lie to me!!!"

[DubiousKB]

"Anything you like, it's just the two of us."

        

[Oldman731]

Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?

Oh, OK. 

Will limit it to first page of my collection:

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    * Their personalities.
 
    What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    * A tick falls off of you when you die.
 
    Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
 
    What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in  sand?
    * Not enough sand.
 
    What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead  lawyer in the middle of the road?
    * There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 
    What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    * A Doberman.
 
    Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    * If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
 
    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
 
    Lawyer's creed:
    * A man is innocent until proven broke.
 
    What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
    * Lipstick.
 
    What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
    * Skeet.
 
    What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
    * Chelsea Clinton
 
    If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
    * It might be your bicycle.

- oldman

[mbailey]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
 
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
 
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
 
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
 
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
 
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
 
"Mike loves me and likes me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
 Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
 He can't get enough of me"
 
The mother-in-law left.
 
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
 put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
 Finally, he walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
 
"What are you doing?" he asked.
 
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
 
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
 
He never heard the gunshot.

[MrRiplEy[H]]

LOL gonna tell this to my wife...

[deSelys]

Lawyers jokes are getting so old... In all honesty, it's only 99.9% of lawyers who are giving a bad reputation to the rest.

[deSelys]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[deSelys]

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.  About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. 

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt."  The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight.  So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties. 

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops! 

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties.  That night, the survivors had a great celebration.  The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate.  If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching! 

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" 
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

The captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"

[Devil 505]

A Lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of  eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A  2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of  bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a fighter pilot standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While  the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the fighter pilot calmly stated --
'You must be single.'
 
The lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the fighter jock to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said -- 'Yes you are correct.
But how on earth did you know that?'

The fighter pilot replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.

[GScholz]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.