Joke thread

[Rob52240]

[mechanic]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

 

[guncrasher]

Lawyers jokes are getting so old... In all honesty, it's only 99.9% of lawyers who are giving a bad reputation to the rest.

but why take a chance, kill them all  .



semp

[DubiousKB]

What do you call a lawyer buried up to his/her neck?

An unfinished job. 

There's some great jokes here thus far!

[Bino]

The Chemist looked up as the door to Ye Olde Apothecary of Edinburgh swung open to admit a Private of a Highland regiment, replete in his formal soldier's uniform: a standard-issue kilt.  The young man sidled up to the counter, and after fumbling in his sporran, held aloft a tattered-looking rubber prophylactic device.

"Sirrr, hoo much would ye' charrrge to rrreplace this, please?"

Pointing at the family planning display behind him, the Chemist replied, "Thrrree pence, laddie."

The Private furrowed his brow for a moment, then asked, "An' hoo much would ye' charrrge forrr a rrrepair?" 

The Chemist smiled. "Och, tha' would only cost ye' tuppence."  After taking this in, the Private thanked the Chemist and left.

About an hour later, the Private returned.  He marched directly to the Chemist and said, "Sirrr, the rrregiment voted to have it rrrepaired!"

[Grisbeau]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. 
So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity.
Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?”

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that
 are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

“Thirdly, “the lawyer said, “did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the
burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled  and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

And then the lawyer said, “So, if I don’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

[Bizman]

One silent evening the bus was all empty, until at one stop a nun stepped in. Sitting near the driver, the nun starts to tell: "I'll be dying soon, nothing contagious, cancer, you know... Well, thing is, as you might suggest, I've never been with a man and I'd very much like to know what it'd be like before I die. I'd have to retain my virginity for our Saviour, though, so it should be done the back door way, if you know what I mean. The problem is, I'd have to find an honest single male to fulfill my wish and I don't know any..."

The driver took a look at his watch and said, "Actually, I'm single and this is my last drive for tonight. I'm ahead of schedule because there's been no stops for passengers, so we might park somewhere for the time needed, if I qualify to you."

Said and done, the affair was over after some passionate moments. While the two were straightening their outfits, the bus driver got filled with remorse and confessed that he let the opportunity seduce him and that he actually had a wife and a couple of kids.

"Don't worry, in reality I'm not a nun. My name's George and I'm on my way to a masquarade party."

[MrRiplEy[H]]

LOL good stuff guys keep it coming 

[xbrit]

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[deSelys]

A little boy with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate for Halloween.

At the first house a woman opens the door, and the boy says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My, aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy gets angry: "On the side of my buckin head, you buckin idiot."

[Devil 505]

Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

 "What was that for?" he says.

 "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written
 on it," she replies

 "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

 Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the
 hell was that for?"

 "Your horse phoned."

[ozrocker]

Are limerick's ok?

There was a young man from St. Clair.
Who was banging his wife on the stair.
The banister broke, so he doubled his stroke.
And finished her off in mid-air.

                                                                                                                                                                Oz

[Bizman]

A woman was just leading her lover to bed when they hear the husband coming home earlier than expected. The lover grabs his clothes and hides in the wardrobe while the woman in her morning gown welcomes her husband, explaining she'd had a headache all day.

Meanwhile the lover, standing naked in the wardrobe, heard a young silent voice beneath him:
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..." It was the son of the couple, having been spying on his mother and her lover. "I've got a baseball in my hand, it'll cost you $250."
"$250??? That's ridiculous! You can keep your ball."
"Well then, that's my dad outside this wardrobe and he's quite big and strong. What do you think would happen if I yelled I'm in the wardrobe with a naked man?"
How could the lover refuse...

Some weeks later the lover found himself again in the wardrobe.
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."
"I've got a baseball mitt that'll cost you $500." Deal closed

Again a month later the unfortunate lover was standing naked in the wardrobe.
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."
"You know, I've got a baseball bat. It's yours for $750." Sold.

One Friday the husband came at noon and gladly announced that he had earned the rest of the day off. So he thought some father and son quality time would be nice, asking if the boy would like to play some ball with him. To his surprise the answer was no, due to lacking equipment.
"How come, didn't you just get a ball, a mitt and a bat for your birthday this spring?"
"Yes, but I sold them for $1500."
"$1500??? That's too thick! Haven't I told you not to lie?" But the kid stuck to his words no matter how the father raged, so finally, being Catholic, he decided to take his son to church for confession. Maybe that'd teach him not to lie.

In the church the father pushes the boy into the confessional and slams the door. The boy looks around and says:
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."

"Oh no, not again!!!"

[deSelys]

   Bizman!

[Slate]

 
 - Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.


-The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."