Walk into the grocery area of a supercenter carrying some KY and a dress. Spend a couple minutes picking through the cucumbers looking befuddled before you call over an employee and ask them to help you find the largest one. When the employee thinks they have one that you may find suitable you either...
A. Say "No, No, that's too small! Do you have any squash?"
B. Start crying and say "That's the biggest you've got? Everything is ruined!" Then throw down the dress and the lube and storm out.