France Surrenders to Russia

[danny76]

Paris, France (March 3rd, 2014) – With international tensions at a near breaking point from the Russian invasion of Ukraine over the weekend, the potential for continued violence has proven to be too much for some nations. Early reports are flowing out of Europe that President Francois Hollande has tendered Frances surrender to Russian President Vladimir Putin in a surprise Monday morning power play. The move has sent tidal waves through the international diplomatic community, with many concerned that it will prove to only embolden the aggressive Russian war machine.

            President Hollande is not scheduled to hold a press conference on the issue until later this evening, but the French press is alive and thriving off of insider leaks from the French administration. The alleged justification for the surrender is that the Russian military was becoming “too close for comfort” for the French military, despite the fact that France is well outside the former Soviet ‘Eastern Bloc’ and likely will not be a target whatsoever. One top French General was quoted as saying, “Rather than suffer an embarrassing hypothetical defeat on a possible battlefield, we pre-empted the unlikely conflict with surrender – it was the only logical solution to the potential problem.”

            The surrender comes as the latest in a long history of the nation waving the proverbial white flag. Most notably, the French surrendered to Nazi Germany in June of 1940 as the world was snowballing into a state of global war. Now, with the world on track for what many are hailing as the beginning of World War Three, it seems only natural the French would bow out early and assume their familiar state of being occupied by a hostile foreign force. We reached American Secretary of State John Kerry for his comments on how the surrender would affect the United States’ strategy for dealing with the Russian aggression. He replied with a simple, yet not surprising statement, “Wait… what? The Russians invaded who? I’m sorry I didn’t catch the news yesterday, I was caught up in the Oscar red carpet action!”

            The foreign press reported that Vladimir Putin commented on the surrender while performing his morning ritual of wrestling a grizzly bear, “France is not part of Russia. They are merely new vacation spot, we have no need for country full of wine drinkers, true Russians drink vodka!” The media will certainly be keeping an eye on the developing situation, as well as the response from the White House, which is expected later today. Press Secretary Jay Carney has told the media to expect a swift response from the President in light of the recent events, saying “The Department of Justice will be prosecuting the producer of the inflammatory Miley Cyrus YouTube video that caused all of this, as well as delivering an apology on behalf of the United States to all involved. We are hoping that the apology will cause all of this to kind of die down and go away so we can focus on the real issues of gun violence and the Affordable Healthcare Act”

[Meatwad]

Send the US hockey team back to Russia, they will give up and lose after a few hours

[Hoplite]

Paris, France (March 3rd, 2014) – With international tensions at a near breaking point from the Russian invasion of Ukraine over the weekend, the potential for continued violence has proven to be too much for some nations. Early reports are flowing out of Europe that President Francois Hollande has tendered Frances surrender to Russian President Vladimir Putin in a surprise Monday morning power play. The move has sent tidal waves through the international diplomatic community, with many concerned that it will prove to only embolden the aggressive Russian war machine.

            President Hollande is not scheduled to hold a press conference on the issue until later this evening, but the French press is alive and thriving off of insider leaks from the French administration. The alleged justification for the surrender is that the Russian military was becoming “too close for comfort” for the French military, despite the fact that France is well outside the former Soviet ‘Eastern Bloc’ and likely will not be a target whatsoever. One top French General was quoted as saying, “Rather than suffer an embarrassing hypothetical defeat on a possible battlefield, we pre-empted the unlikely conflict with surrender – it was the only logical solution to the potential problem.”

            The surrender comes as the latest in a long history of the nation waving the proverbial white flag. Most notably, the French surrendered to Nazi Germany in June of 1940 as the world was snowballing into a state of global war. Now, with the world on track for what many are hailing as the beginning of World War Three, it seems only natural the French would bow out early and assume their familiar state of being occupied by a hostile foreign force. We reached American Secretary of State John Kerry for his comments on how the surrender would affect the United States’ strategy for dealing with the Russian aggression. He replied with a simple, yet not surprising statement, “Wait… what? The Russians invaded who? I’m sorry I didn’t catch the news yesterday, I was caught up in the Oscar red carpet action!”

            The foreign press reported that Vladimir Putin commented on the surrender while performing his morning ritual of wrestling a grizzly bear, “France is not part of Russia. They are merely new vacation spot, we have no need for country full of wine drinkers, true Russians drink vodka!” The media will certainly be keeping an eye on the developing situation, as well as the response from the White House, which is expected later today. Press Secretary Jay Carney has told the media to expect a swift response from the President in light of the recent events, saying “The Department of Justice will be prosecuting the producer of the inflammatory Miley Cyrus YouTube video that caused all of this, as well as delivering an apology on behalf of the United States to all involved. We are hoping that the apology will cause all of this to kind of die down and go away so we can focus on the real issues of gun violence and the Affordable Healthcare Act”

 

OMG that's hilarious....

[Slate]

    sarcasme mais crédible.  

[GScholz]

French surrender jokes are so 2003. Have another side order of freedom fries. 

[Hoplite]

French surrender jokes are so 2003. Have another side order of freedom fries. 

I disagree.  They are timeless if slightly unfair. 

The French have a fine military tradition...one just needs to go back a bit to see it.  Be sure to include the Gauls, Charlesmane, Joan of Arc, etc etc. 

[danny76]

I disagree.  They are timeless if slightly unfair. 

The French have a fine military tradition...one just needs to go back a bit to see it.  Be sure to include the Gauls, Charlesmane, Joan of Arc, etc etc. 

The Foreign Legion have an incredible military history..... oh wait

[Oldman731]

The French have a fine military tradition...one just needs to go back a bit to see it. 

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." 

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. 

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. 

- The Dutch War - Tied. 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. 

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. 

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." 

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. 

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. 

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. 

- World War I - Tied on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. 

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. 

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. 

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[Slash27]

French surrender jokes are so 2003. Have another side order of freedom fries. 

That was a half hearted effort. I expect more from you.

[mthrockmor]

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." 

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. 

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. 

- The Dutch War - Tied. 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. 

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. 

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." 

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. 

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. 

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. 

- World War I - Tied on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. 

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. 

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. 

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

I all but blew snot out my nose. 
That was a fine stroll down memory lane with quiet the eloquent tour guide.

[cpxxx]

That's deeply ironic coming from a Brit considering the leaked document seen being brought into No 10. Some quotes from a news report:

It said the UK backs EU-level "visa restrictions/travel bans" on Russian officials and supports "deployment of OSCE and/or UN (but not EU) monitors in Crimea and eastern Ukraine.”

But it added that Britain does “not support, for now, trade sanctions … or [to] close London's financial centre to Russians."

It also said the UK will “discourage any discussions (e.g. at Nato) of contingency military preparations."

The information reflects an agreement by EU foreign ministers in Brussels the same day to threaten Russia with “targeted measures” if it does not end its occupation of Ukraine’s Crimea region.

But it indicates that British PM David Cameron will not be willing to harm British trade or financial interests vis-a-vis Russia when EU leaders meet in Brussels on Thursday to discuss the Ukraine crisis.

The stuff about the French is a joke. But the British surrender is there in black and white. Rather embarrassing that!

Putin has made fools of the west, NATO and the Americans. Appeasement once again.

BTW: I have no remit to defend France from stupid jokes but as a matter of historical fact the French have won more battles than they lost. But lets  not let the facts get in the way of a silly joke.

[mthrockmor]

That's deeply ironic coming from a Brit considering the leaked document seen being brought into No 10. Some quotes from a news report:The stuff about the French is a joke. But the British surrender is there in black and white. Rather embarrassing that!

Putin has made fools of the west, NATO and the Americans. Appeasement once again.

BTW: I have no remit to defend France from stupid jokes but as a matter of historical fact the French have won more battles than they lost. But lets  not let the facts get in the way of a silly joke.

If we are jumping ship from French humor to current events....appeasement now will cost millions later. And the lack of appeasement does not necessarily require military action. Chamberlain didn't need to invade the Rhineland as a solution to Munich. Yes, Obama and his 60's hipsters are getting embarrassed and it will be expensive over time!

[Drano]

The Complete Military History of France

Great stuff there!

[Hoplite]

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

That "Italian" was one of the Great Captains of history who was both a political and military genius.  His name and career arguably shaped European history for the next 2000 years.  His fellow "Italians" conquered one of the largest empires in history over a 400 year period, one which lasted nearly 1800 years if you factor in the Byzantine Empire (i.e. The Eastern Roman Empire).  

So I think we can forgive the French for losing that one.  

[BreakingBad]

I've been reading up on how Ukrainian sovereignty came into play, at least in the modern world.

The 1991 Minsk Accord specified that Russia formally renounce any claim to Soviet territory outside Russia.  This included among others the Ukraine and Belarus. Then in 1994 there was another agreement that Russia affirmed that it would respect Ukraine's "independence and sovereignty and the existing borders", and recognize "border changes can be made only by peaceful and consensual means"

This was purportedly in exchange for Ukraine's decision to give up the nuclear weapons it inherited during the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

My question is, were those nuclear weapons really Ukraine's to give up in the first place?  Didn't the Russians (USSR) pay for and construct those nuclear weapons to begin with, and they were merely located within Ukraine's borders after the dissolution of the USSR?

I gather that the Crimea is largely ethnic Russian to begin with.  (Mainly because Stalin forced about 200,000 Tartar's into relocation (gulags) in 1944 after taking the territory back under military control from the Nazi's).  Reminds me of Hitler's reason to invade the Sudetenland in Czechoslovakia under the pretense of protecting ethnic Germans.