Jokes..

[Bizman]

It's one of those, "what's the difference between..." jokes, but I feel I need to leave a little something to the imagination.

THe punchline: the mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it.

That's a good one, I can remember it! Oh, but that reminds me of the following story:

A new guy had been taken to a concentration camp. The men warmly welcomed him to share both their sorrows and joys. Quite soon the newcomer noticed that every now and then someone shouted a number, causing more or less laughter among the other guys. After some time he encouraged to try it by himself. "Eleven!" he yelled. No laughs, none at all. Not even a scupcake or a smile.
"Please, tell me what I did wrong?", he asked, "I did just as all of you do, shouted a number, didn't I?"
"See, we've been here isolated for so long that even the jokes we know have been told a million times. So we've given each one a number to avoid telling them over and over."
"So what was wrong with mine?"
"Oh, come on! That joke is so worn out everyone's fed up to the teeth with it..."

[PJ_Godzilla]

That's a good one, I can remember it! Oh, but that reminds me of the following story:

"Oh, come on! That joke is so worn out everyone's fed up to the teeth with it..."

I've heard it, only with an alternate punchline:

"It's not the joke, it's how you told it."

[Schen]

lol.. very cute schen

The joke is usually a little more vulgur but I didn't feel the need to get banned lol hope u like it anyways

[craz07]

lmao..

[guncrasher]

Raul Castro is talking to Fidel as Fidel is in bed barely able to move in his old age.  He says "you now Fidel, I think as a gesture of good will we should open the Mariel Port again".

Fidel barely able to look up speaks in a soft voice, "if you did that , you and me would be the only ones left".

Raul looks at him and replies "speak for yourself".


_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ ____________________

back in the old days during the revolutionary war.  lots of local militia would basically guard their own block as they didnt know when the British would attack.

a very young militia man was on guard during a really dark night.  he was thirsty, hungry and cold  but didnt dare leave his post.  around midnight he barely notices a figure walking really slowly towards him.  he challenges the figure "who goes there", a voice reply "your mother", he quickly yells "FU and fires a round hitting the figure.  he walks towards the figure now laying on the street.  he lights a match to see the figure...........























and starts crying, "ma, ma, so sorry..............."



semp

[craz07]

Lol legit insane..

[mbailey]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated, Dr. Bumbutu in Africa, could enlarge your breasts without surgery.  So, she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. 

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?"
 
Yes I am.  How did you know?

 

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."

[MrRiplEy[H]]

A man went to a vacation in Africa and ventured into the jungle. He got lost in the forest and found his way to a clearing where there were native women working, naked.

He got excited and to his amazement one of the village girls offered him some carnal pleasure. He left satisfied and finally got back to civilization. After returning back to his home he started to have serious symptoms to his weener. He ordered a time to a urologist but the doctor immediately said he'd never seen anything like this. The doctor took laboratory tests and told the man he's going to call him the results a few days later.

The day and the phone call came, negative. Nothing they knew had a cure. The doctor reinspected the weener which by now had become blueish-black and stinky. He assesset that an amputation would be required to treat the condition.

The man freaked and asked for a second opinion. Two doctors later it was obvious that western medicine couldn't find a cure for him. In desperation he traveled back to the same jungle he contracted the disease from. He wandered back to the same native village and asked for help. The villagers seemed familiar with the condition and asked the village witch-doctor to see the man.

The doctor took a look at the man and nodded. The man asked: Please tell me you can treat it? Witch doctor nodded. The man had a huge relief. - So you mean it's not necessary to cut it off?

Not necessary, the witch doctor said. - Will fall off on it's own in two weeks. 

[PJ_Godzilla]

A few single lines, just to keep it clean and to leave something to the imagination:

... Is like a doorknob. Everybody gets a turn.
... Is like peanut butter because they both spread for bread.

And, this punch line:

... The refrigerator doesn't expel anything when you , uh, remove or pull out, for example, chops, steaks, and burgers.

[guncrasher]

20 years ago when super Nintendo was the in thing, I was telling my kids that when I was a little boy I lived in a house that had no electricity.  my daughter 5 at the time looked at me and said "dad, stop lying, how did you play nintendo then?"

another was when my youngest one came back from pre-school really excited that he knew our house phone number.  I told him I was so proud of him and asked him the number.  he replied "1-800-collect".

oh man I do miss my kids being young .


semp

[MrRiplEy[H]]

20 years ago when super Nintendo was the in thing, I was telling my kids that when I was a little boy I lived in a house that had no electricity.  my daughter 5 at the time looked at me and said "dad, stop lying, how did you play nintendo then?"

another was when my youngest one came back from pre-school really excited that he knew our house phone number.  I told him I was so proud of him and asked him the number.  he replied "1-800-collect".

oh man I do miss my kids being young .


semp

I reckon the 1-800-collect was some service number 'letter coded' for easy remembering but was the service something embarrassing like load collection or something?

[guncrasher]

I reckon the 1-800-collect was some service number 'letter coded' for easy remembering but was the service something embarrassing like load collection or something?

it was a famous commercial back in the early 90's that would save money over dialing an operator and asking to connect.  if you didnt have the change to make the call on a payphone.

I basically went along the lines of "use 1800-collect to save money when calling home".

here's a couple of them to give you an idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nz5lDJcjRE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrcaTt-a9_E



semp

[MrRiplEy[H]]

it was a famous commercial back in the early 90's that would save money over dialing an operator and asking to connect.  if you didnt have the change to make the call on a payphone.

I basically went along the lines of "use 1800-collect to save money when calling home".

here's a couple of them to give you an idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nz5lDJcjRE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrcaTt-a9_E



semp

Don't blame your kids, I get that all the time even from grown ups. You see, each time I go out and ask a young girl for her phone number, usually it says '1-800-eat-sh..' so even grown ups can make that mistake! 

[MrGeezer]

24 hour banking?  I dont have time for that.

[Skulls22]

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

Oh, anti-jokes....