This has been a year of firsts, not one that I want to repeat or wish on any one, but as I have found out many have shared and many more will experience in the future. Kathy knew she would lose her fight for life and so we had some time to prepare. As if that’s even possible. She wanted some control and wanted to be home in her own bed at the end.
Supper Storm Sandy had taken our home, so a new nest was required. Starting in April of 2013, with help of video and online real estate sales, we had decided on a model in one of those 55 plus communities. At this point Kathy was not hospital bound 100% of the time. She loved buying furniture and decorating. We closed on June 18th, our 31st wedding anniversary, our last joint purchase as man and wife. We celebrated with family and friends, Kathy pulled me aside and whispered to me: “I’m sorry, I need to go to the hospital”, in which she would remain until returning home to me for the last time.
I moved in and tried my best to make it our home and have it ready for her. She called me to the hospital to bring her home away from all the machines.. She talked on the phone to so many people I lost count. On July 24th she spoke only to me, She took no calls, we talked none stop, about everything and about nothing, She made only one request: “ I need you to be strong for me Green Beret”, Her references to my time with the 5th Group, Republic of South Viet Nam, I replied with an automatic “Who-Ha”.
We looked at our picture albums, watched old vacation videos and talked about all our adventures together and after a long quite spell, she thanked me for our life together, for being her husband. I told her she made it easy. She was tired and wanted to sleep, wanted me to lay with her while she went to sleep. That night , when the angels came, she woke me a little after midnight, “it’s time”, “something’s happening” she said. I asked her if she wanted me to call for help? She said no, I’m not afraid, its ok, just hold me. She whispered in my ear, “ I love you”. I lay with her in my arms listening to her breathing , soft, quite, as if asleep, some very deep breaths and then a few slow shallow ones, and then quite, still and I knew she was gone, our 34 years together had come to an end. I looked over at the clock it was 2:43 AM. July 25.
I held her and cried until it was time to say good bye and begin that process of notifications, calling her brothers and sister, meeting at their parent’s home with doctors in tow, just in case… All those arrangements to make. At her memorial service there were just under one thousand people to say good bye.
My year of firsts had started, her 60th birth day without her, September 20, she will remain forever young, at 59 years old. November, December holidays and of course New Years without her, almost too much to bear, June 18, 2014 a very lonely 32nd wedding anniversary, the annual 4th of July family get-together, and now the first anniversary of her death. A year of firsts that I shall never repeat. I realize that I was a very lucky man, for 34 years I knew what it was to be loved by her. I miss that, I’ll never forget what it was like to be loved by her. I miss you Kath, till me meet again.
