Germany calling, Germany calling... This is Lord Haw-Haw bringing you the news. Today, in a magnanimous gesture, the Luftwaffe assisted the feeble British efforts at undersea warfare by converting nine of their cargo ships en route to Malta into submarines. Unfortunately for the British, the new submarines apparently travel in only one direction: down. Heavy bombing of land targets on Malta itself was also reported. Mr. Churchill has vowed to keep Malta supplied and in the fight: well, as to that, we hope he will allow the beleaguered residents of Malta to eat his words rather than doing it himself because it looks like that's all the sustenance they'll be receiving anytime soon.
British attempts to bomb our North African shipping were brushed aside by our glorious Luftwaffe fighter pilots and our valiant allies in the Regia Aeronautica with heavy losses to the RAF. Losses among our planes were described by Reichsmarschall Göring as minimal. When pressed for specific figures the Reichsmarschall gave his trademark kindly scowl and invited this reporter to a party with several of his bodyguards in a dark alley behind the RLM. I can say with complete confidence that Herr Göring's claims are as accurate as they always are.
To those RAF pilots due to be expended in the next futile attempt to contest German mastery of the skies over the Mediterranean, we offer our heartfelt sympathies along with the following advice: make sure you pack your parachutes carefully, and bring a hearty appetite, because the food you'll receive in an Italian POW camp if you're lucky enough to survive being shot down is sure to be better than the glue and shoe leather they're eating in the UK these days.
In other news, the Fuhrer has raised the bounty on the head of the air pirate and criminal known as Bruv119 for war crimes and crimes against the master race to £10,000. The Fuhrer did not specify the exact nature of this man's bestial crimes, saying only that the Third Reich would be greatly appreciative and generous toward anyone who can rid the skies above Europe of this infamous villain. This is double the amount of the previous bounty, which thus far remains unclaimed.
