And 25 Year Old Hard Body.....
I’ve known and flown with the rudest, crudest, human being on the planet. Here’s how.
After accepting a pilot position with the best airline company in existence, I was off to the corporate headquarters for five weeks of ground school and simulator training. With that completed, I commuted to my west coast crew base for the first month flying the line. The first task out of training was IOE (Initial Operating Experience) with a company check airman. IOE is accomplished by flying a three to four day trip as the check airman’s First Officer. If the trip goes well, the shiny new First Officer is released to fly the line. My IOE goes well and I’m released to the line.
Being a brand new FO, able to view the tail end of the seniority list, I’ve got a five a.m. show time for a six o’clock push on Monday morning. So, wanting to make a good first impression, I show early to meet up with my assigned Captain. He walks in the door exactly at show time. Hmmm, an indicator? I approach him and attempt to introduce myself. He’s a tad less welcoming than I expected. There’s a strong impression that he’s not thrilled with a wet behind the ears FO for today’s trip. We’re flying the entire month together. He essentially says hi and see ya at the gate. He shows no interest in who I am or my background and engages in conversation with his local buddies. Hope this isn’t the norm in this company. Several of my training class mates are in the pilot lounge, also soaking up this early Monday morning schedule event. We spend time comparing notes and some head out for their respective gates.
I wait around a bit longer on the outside chance that his coffee will kick in and turn him into a human being of some sort. Since my gate is about as far away from the pilot lounge as it could be, it’s time for me to start humping my roller bag and brain bag in that direction. I say “Adios” to my classmates who, by the way, seem to have very friendly and welcoming Captains to fly with, judging by the engaged comments and genuine smiles I see. Great! I’m the 10%.
I arrive at the gate, and meet the very cordial Operations Agent and Flight Attendants. All are very welcoming to this brand spanking new First Officer. The flight attendants and I mosey down the jetway to our ride for the day, a gently used 737-300. As we all start settling in, it’s noticeable that the “Boss” is nowhere to be seen, at the required 30 minutes to departure time. With my cockpit preflight stuff done, it’s time to go downstairs and do the preflight walk around. Remembering my flashlight, yeah it’s still way dark outside, I head down the stairs and start checking our jet. That done, I climb the stairs, forget the access code to the door, and have to knock on the window and get the ops agent’s attention amid the boarding passengers. He turns around, grins, opens the door for me, and says “Come on in”. And there stands Mr. Personality standing closer to the door than the ops agent was. I pick an entry among our passengers and go to the front office to finish my company assigned tasks. He lumbers in mumbling something unintelligible and demands, more than asking, “What’s the clearance and squawk?” “I haven’t got it yet.” “”Why not?!” “I don’t have the ATIS (Automatic Terminal Information Service) yet.” “Why not?!” So, this is how it’s going to be with this guy, I’m thinking, plus some other choice descriptors. Instead of answering his last demand, I don my headset, dial up the ATIS frequency, and write down the local weather information. Next, I dial up the clearance delivery frequency, request our flight clearance, and copy down the air traffic controller’s instructions. Removing my headset, the Boss (or Dictator) demands “BEFORE START CHECKLIST!” Our company procedure is to review the flight clearance, brief the assigned instrument procedure, confirm the transponder code, who’s flying this leg, etc, THEN, complete the “Before Start” checklist. So, he’s operating with his own personalized procedures. During my time under the headset, I couldn’t help but hear his booming demands and interruption of the flight attendants as passengers are boarding. I notice all of the flights attendant’s names are “Doll” regardless of their given names. Additionally, his vocabulary does not include the words “Please” or “Thank you”. Anything coming out of his mouth has a demanding tone to it. What a pompous jerk. This four day trip is going to feel like a month by the end of the week, and it did. Just getting to the runway would require several pages to describe. Suffice to say it was wrought with confusing operations and demands from this less than “standard operating procedures” Captain. Oh, and he’s flying this first leg so he can “show me how it’s done”. Somewhere in this first 20 minutes sitting in the same enclosed space with this guy, he alleges to have in excess of 25,000 hours in 737s alone. That’s a lot of miserable hours for someone sitting next to him.
As can be imagined, this was not a fun or positive learning experience for a brand new First Officer. I do have to say that he did teach me volumes more than anyone else about what not to do as a Captain. Quite the legacy.
On the legs he did let me fly, there was constant yapping coming from the left seat, to the point of continuous distraction, which led to more inadvertent errors and omissions on my part, which generated even more yapping. This was less a learning experience and more of a survival challenge.
This guy was a very consistent, addicted smoker. Every time we parked at the gate and sort of completed the Parking Checklist, he was out of the seat, down the jetway, and smoking under the terminal in front of the jet for most of our 20 minute turn around time. Most of the time, he would finish smoking, come up, assume the position on his throne, and demand the Before Start Checklist with two minutes to push (gate departure) time, sometimes he’d come up really early, with three minutes to push time. Then, there’s the obnoxious stink of someone with cigarette smoke soaked clothing.
In the early years with the company, pilots were allowed to smoke in the cockpit. Most of the legs I flew with him were around an hour in length. So, he was able to feed the addiction on the ramp, for the most part. About an hour into the first two and a half hour leg we flew together, he turns to me and asks if I need to go to the lavatory. “No thanks. I’m fine”. He commands, “Yes you do! Get out! I’ll ring you when you can come back in.” This was four years prior to 9/11. So, it was normal and an accepted procedure to take a walk to the back of the aircraft, especially on long legs. So, I got up, exited, and shut the cockpit door. Everyone behind the door was quite relaxed. They were enjoying this flight way more than I was. So, I chatted with the flight attendants up front, walked to the back, and visited the flight attendant in the back. I was really enjoying the happy, fun loving attitude of the flight attendants when the BOSS called on the crew intercom and said “You can come back now”, as he unlocked the cockpit door. I opened the door, and stepped into a cloud of cigarette smoke laced with a stink that smelled like days old roadkill. In addition to smoking, he’d been farting at a tournament winning level. What an obnoxious, rude, excuse for a human being. A true test of patience this guy is. During my walk about, the flight attendants were noticeably unimpressed with the Boss, his “Bring me coffee, Doll”, and the lack of “Please” or “Thank You” on either end of his demand didn’t sit well with them. About 30 minutes later, the lead flight attendant rang up on the crew intercom and asked to come up for a visit. The Boss replies, “Sure, Doll” as he unlocks the cockpit door. She opens the door and says “Can I get.....”, starts gagging, turns around, steps out, and slams the door. Obviously, I’ve somewhat acclimated to the obnoxious stink, and the poor flight attendant is completely overwhelmed. For the rest of the flight she refuses to come up front. After landing and parking at the gate, he proceeds to the ramp for a smoke. After our passengers deplane, the lead comes up to chat. I’ve got my slide window open, rendering the air somewhat more tolerable. She is beyond disgusted with the Captain and asks if I’m flying with him the rest of the month. “Yes I am”. She says ”You poor dear. We’re going to take really good care of you” and asks what my drink & snack preferences are. For the rest of the trip, one of the ladies automatically brought my favorite up and would leave without asking if he wanted anything. I can go on and on about this “Captain” but, you get the idea.
A day or two later in the trip, he tells me about where he lives, his marriage of 25 years, and his 13 year old daughter. He states that he’s tired of his wife. The plan is, when his daughter turns 18, he’s going kick her out of the house, divorce his wife, and find himself “a 25 year old, hard body flight attendant.” What a totally disgusting excuse for a human being! Not to mention, his physical appearance is that of one who’s been rode hard and put away wet numerous times. Not someone 25 years his junior would find physically attractive. But, completely full of himself.
I finish the rest of the most miserable month of my career with the company and am able to bid a crew base within driving distance of home. Everyone I fly with the rest of my career, doesn’t hold a candle to this guy’s level of rude and crude behavior toward others. Anyhow, I’m flying a long cross country with one of my many favorite Captains and perusing our monthly union newspaper. In the section of announcements about marriages, births, and deaths, there’s a write up about the “Boss”. He’s recently passed away from a long bout of brain cancer. I’m shocked at anyone dying, especially from cancer. While reading the article I’m startled, realizing that it’s been five years since I flew that month with him. This is the year he was kicking his daughter out, divorcing his wife, and finding a...................
Seems that what goes around, comes around; eventually.
