im tired of haters
For some reason I feel I've known you a long time, Finetime is very familiar. I think you're having a hard time emotionally. I think you're a former combat veteran and I think that's catching up with you. I think you use Aces High to help cope with that, and you have an unusual mind capable of quite some multitasking so it pushes things away. Arguably you play a bit too much or more intensely if you struggle and get a bit frayed around the edges. I think you should talk to someone and get some help. You say you were uneducated, take it from someone who's had way too much education: you don't have to continue down this path or fight this fight yourself. Nor should you.
It's got nothing to do with toughness or resolve. In fact the opposite can be true. Like an RC car servo, the stronger the motor, the more it resists when pressure is applied. You need someone to help you untangle what you've experienced. There are treatments now like EMDR that are evidenced to be effective.
Just take a walk. Clear your head. Then find some help either through a veteran's organisation etc.
Hang on in there brah
