I’m about to be 33 and my wife is about to be 34. I grew up in the same small-town Arkansas all my life while she bounced around on the east coast (army brat). We met each other in 2018 as a long-distance relationship, she moved to my local town in 2019 as I was locked into my family-business and she did not have much holding her back on the east coast, we married in 2020 and welcomed our daughter in 2021.
While dating she was very fun to be around. We had similar interests, similar goals and aspirations, we were both Christian (I grew up baptist and she was more non-denominational / charismatic). Our biggest difference is our personality/temperament - she is an ENFJ / melancholy type while I am more of a ISTJ / phlegmatic type. She has always been highly opinionated which i liked thinking it was self-confidence and her taking initiative, but it turns out she desperately craves affirmation and value from others. If someone or a group disagrees with her on what to do, you might as well have kicked her and told her she was worthless. She has a polarizing personality where some people love/like her while others are put off. By her own admission she is overly analytical and emotionally sensitive. Ever since COVID hit the scene and the birth of our little girl, she has been highly anxious about health and safety (overly concerned about her own mortality as her mother died young from cancer); she has deep depression from the state of the world and that she does not fit into the culture. She told me that she loves me but that I am not good for her and has declared that she is not good for me to despite protest and exasperation. When things don’t go her way or plan she breaks down in a crying fury while I try to console her telling her it will be OK and we will adjust, which infuriates her more because she sees that as me sweeping things under the rug or being a pushover. Meanwhile, if things don’t go according to my plan I had set up, she rages at me for not listening to her as she suddenly has 20/20 wisdom and discernment. She is so full of anger, bitterness and jealousy. My grandpa started the business, my dad runs it now and I handle a lot of tech work. My wife angrily tells me I should ask for more money so she can stay at home with our daughter (but she is also scoffs at that “traditional” thought of her not having a career where she feels like she is “making her mark on the world”) because she sees them as living in a big house when my mom could stay at home to raise my sister and I. My parents stayed with us for a week at our family cabin (we had just sold our house to be looking into a different area for me to commute to work) when brought the baby home from the hospital - my dad asked me to weed the pond on day 2 and I actually looked forward to some exercise, but my wife said it broke her that even though I was 30 yards away cleaning outside for an hour she has continued to rant at me for not prioritizing her instead and supporting her and the baby. She has gained weight down here and there are 80yr olds who run circles around her - she gets in the dumps and has 0 energy. I have given given up or limited my hobbies and interests that I did before we were married and had the baby so I could focus more on them when I was not working, but she is angry that as I am part of this family business that I cannot move to a “big city full of life and opportunities” and that having me commute from other small towns within the general area is not good enough for her. She does not have a relationship with her dad because she finally had enough of him being toxic and demeaning, which sounds very similar to how she is with me.
She carries with her a lot of spiritual hurt, emotional trauma and personal disappointment that has been building all her life and I feel I am the one stuck with the check now that she has hit her cap. During our the year leading up to our wedding we were both dealing with the specter of COVID while also being in a church with a new pastor we did not particularly agree with. Before she moved down she had asked me if I’d be flexible to look at attending a different church from the one I grew up in. I agreed that as a potential husband that I’d be willing to be a part of a different church through which we could be involved and grow our spirit. After a month she was pushing me to do that while we were still dating, but as I was serving as a deacon I felt it was it was not the right time for me to leave as 1) I wanted to do my part in helping to keep the church body stable during uncertain times and 2) it felt it was important for us to start our new marriage and see our first child delivered while not juggling the distraction of looking for a new church body. As she could sing very well and play the guitar, she helped with the worship team and felt that was her calling - but also complained that she did not receive any recognition or positive affirmation (like people were overlooking her efforts). While we enjoyed the people there, she did not get along with the new pastor at all and wanted to immediately leave as they had different mindsets and he was controlling of the music she wanted to sing. The time span between when she came down to when we left after our child was born was 2 years, but she has acted like it has completely broken her heart/spirit and that I was self-centered to keep us there (I completely underestimated at what I thought would be a brief time of a year or two that has completely unwound her and crippled her spirit even though we have left - I feel she is over the top and she feels I have no empathy).
I just don’t know what to do and what is best for our daughter. She is wearing me down with all of her yelling/screaming, anger, bitterness, depression/worry that will last for hours and even days without break. Based on what she has told me of her hating our family dynamic, hating the culture, not having the friends she had on the east coast, hating I work for a family business where she feels like I devote my time to and not her (always been real controlling of my time, energy and efforts) - I feel like this was all in the open before we got married and now this is not working for her. She laments that this is not the marriage and life she dreamed of, that she had done all the right things growing up and that she was owed happiness without personal drama or mental battles. My preferred love language to her would be performing’s acts of service to help out wherever needed, even with taking care of the baby to give her a chance to do something she enjoys for herself. She would prefer that we do everything together and have quality time, which usually devolves into me acting as her psychiatrist. She is jealous of me performing an act of service for anyone else as that takes time and focus away from her. Has anyone here dealt with issues like this?
I am reading “Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People” by Elizabeth B. Brown right now.
