Why the airlines don't let you listen in

[Sox62]

Why the airlines no longer let you listen in......

Here are some conversations that passengers normally don't hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers from around the world:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you
to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller
in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway,
if able.
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at
the
light to return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already
notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."
(I love this small regional jet, but the name gets me every time, John)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody
war!"

[AKDejaVu]

I've always wondered...

Some of these seem a bit more of an Urban Legend than anything else.  I've worked with military control towers (their radios and recording devices) and we didn't really hear anything like this, even at the private airports.  Everything seemed to always be extremely professional... to the point of being anistheptic.

Toad.. what kind of horseplay do you run across on the airwaves?

Anything that compares to this?

AKDejaVu

[Animal]

Havent heard something like this in the airwaves here, and its full of cocky top-gun wannabe students.
I have heard angry controllers, but no witty hilarious remarks.

[Durr]

I agree that most of these are probably urban legends, as I have heard several different versions of most of them several times.  That is not to say that there isnt some funny stuff that goes on the air.  Especially at a training base like this one.  

We have Whiting field to the NE training almost half of all Navy pilots, Ft Ruckers Cairns AAF to the N training Army helo pilots, and NAS Pensacola here training all Navy/USMC NFOs as well as USAF navigators.  So needless to say, with that many students in the air, handling radio comms for the first time in their lives in many cases, you hear some odd radio traffic.

 The one story in the above post that is apparently true, came from Whiting Field about 10 years or so ago.  The story is legend around here, and apparently some of the instructors here actually heard the radio call when they were students.  The way the story goes, the student was trying to do a navigation flight and he got lost.  In the T-34 the radio transmit switch is on the PCL, you push up to talk out on the radios, down to talk inside on the ICS.  The student accidentally pushed up to make the following statement, which was meant only for the ears of his IP.  "Sir, Im freaking lost!" (except he said another word not freaking lol).  ATC called and said "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself".  There was a long pause, and then the instructor said, "He said he was freaking lost, not freaking stupid!"  With the hi volume of T-34s around here, the instructor and student in question were apparently never positively identified.

[Octavius]

hehehe, still funny nonetheless

[Logic]

a guy at work just transfered in from delta, and been telling stories arround the shop. (work on blackhawks for the coast guard). One that appalled me is that he was on a early morning flight, to take a plane back to the depot/hub and he went up to the flight deck and saw the 2 pilots and the flight eng sound asleep with auto-pilot on. Makes me wander.
LoGic

[Tumor]

Originally posted by Logic
a guy at work just transfered in from delta, and been telling stories arround the shop. (work on blackhawks for the coast guard). One that appalled me is that he was on a early morning flight, to take a plane back to the depot/hub and he went up to the flight deck and saw the 2 pilots and the flight eng sound asleep with auto-pilot on. Makes me wander.
LoGic

It wasn't funny at the time.  I went on a C-130 Fighter Avoidance training flight as an observer with a Belgian crew, pilot was an RAF transfer guy.  (Fun stuff...never would have believed a C-130 could do this kind of stuff).  Anyway, these guys had pulled in from freekin Nogales Mexico about 2 hours before the flight (the whole dang plane smelled like Tequila about 30 seconds after they closed it up).  I was scared half to death we'd crash due to drunk pilotage, however....after the Co-Pilot and Nav barfed (Co hit the bag, the Nav hit everything else including me) my only thought was not barfing myself...and getting OFF that plane lol.

[Vermillion]

My father was a navigator in the USANG flying C-119's and C-130's for about 14 years, before he left flight status.

Early in his career they were down in the Caribean somewhere (I think it was Bahamas or Bermuda but I would have to ask to be sure) and had evidently been out partying (consuming large quantities of the local rum) the night before they left to fly back to WV.

He said they took off and got to cruise altitude, when the drone of the engines put him to sleep.

When he woke up they were somewhere well inland over South Carolina.

And then he noticed that the entire flight crew was asleep.  The pilot, the co-pilot, the flight engineer, himself, and two loadmasters had all slept the entire way.

He said that he's never been so scared in his entire life.

[Creamo]

That DOES happen Verm.

I went on a roadtrip to JFK from O'hare to change a O2 bottle late at night. The charter was a MU-2. It took awhile to get there, and after the component change, we headed back to Chicago. Pry like 2:00am.

The back of the plane was gutted to hold cargo, so it was hard to sleep. Mid flight, I went back to the cockpit, and stuck my head in to see where we were. I startled the pilot, who was sound asleep. Should have seen the look on his face.

Never heard any of that type of stuff posted, but have heard a F/O do a full passenger brief on Ground channel ("Folks, the gate is full so we are holding in the penalty box..etc...etc,) on and on for quite a long time, to which the Tower replied how interesting that was but to use the P.A. next time.

  That, and a frustrated O'Hare tower controller one time just saying "EVERYONE STOP WHERE YOU ARE!" when things got way outta hand. Was a interesting solution to getting everything under control.

[Swager]

They are funny!    

[Durr]

On the subject of funny stuff that happens in airplanes, here is another famous story that may or may not be an urban legend.  I'm sure some of you have probably already heard this one before, but for those that havent:

This supposedly happened on a South African Airways flight.  The airliner took off, the captain set the autopilot, then, not realizing that the intercom was stuck in the on position, says to the FO, "I think am going to have a cup of coffee and then bang that pretty stewardess."  Of course the passengers all burst out laughing when they hear this, and the stewardess in question takes off running up to the flight deck to warn the pilots before they say anything else.  She trips on the way up and falls down, and this little old lady sitting there looks at her and says, "dont be in such a hurry child, he said he was going to have a cup of coffee first."

[Duckwing6]

One classic i know is:

Good Morning Frankfurt Ground, KLM345 with Juliett request Start-up and pushback.
KLM345 Expect startup in about 2 hours
Confirm 2 hours delay ?
Affirm
Ground In that case... cancel the good morning

[hazed-]

Grandad was a pilot for years and he died peacfully in his sleep.

Im sure we'd all like to go like that right?

Not like his 200 screaming passengers!

hehehe