This piece by comedian Dennis Miller puts the Middle East conflict into
> perspective as only he can:
>
>
> "A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service
to
>
> all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the
>
> Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't
> thank
>
> me. I'm a giver.
>
>
> Here we go:
>
>
> The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about
> that:
>
>
> There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called
> Palestine
>
> for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is
>
> really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza
>
> was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West
Bank
>
> was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the
> Jews
>
> took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you
>
> know, say hello to the "Palestinians weeping for their deep bond with
>
> their lost "land" and "nation."
>
> So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any
more
>
> to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until
>
> someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they
> are: "Other Arabs Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap
>
> Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I
>
> know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then:
> "Adjacent Jew-Haters."
>
> Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one
>
> more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time
in
> the
>
> last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have
>
> your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and
>
> Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way
>
> to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other
Jew-Haters
>
> in the region want: Israel.
>
> They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course--that's where the real
>
> fun is--but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy
>
> Israel--or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it--for the last
>
> fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the
>
> attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the
blue-ribbon
> most
>
> illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on G-d's Earth, and if you've
>
> ever been around G-d's Earth, you know that's really saying something. It
>
> makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the
> great
>
> history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something,
>
> the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the
way,
>
> thanks a hell of a lot for that one. Chew this around and spit it out:
Five
> hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries
as
> a football field, and Israel as a
>
> pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks
>
> swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone
will
> be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of
wars
>
> to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths
>
> to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
>
> My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just
reverse
>
> the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I
was
>
> stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews
>
> strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
>
> Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to
>
> drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at
the
> murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies
> about the Arabs baking their bread
>
> with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to
themselves
> in
>
> a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to
> death.
>
> Mr. Bush, G-d bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with
>
> vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest,
as
> Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and,
> after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of
> supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away.
>
> However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing
>
> moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president
>
> told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the
> countries
>
> that supported them. Beautiful.
>
> Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of
an
>
> Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing
>
> we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
>
> If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would
>
> all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with
it
>
> and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan.
(Hey,
>
> wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . . uh, that is, what a
> horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)"
>
