Elfenwoof arches back in his computer chair a smile draping across his face, satisfied how he explained it all to 10Bears about that bandit pre felon he was ready to hit the hay as they say in the midwest. Yeah who needs those undesirables in our fine society. Why, all they want to do is grow up and rob people. Effie goes outside to make sure the can lights are all adjusted correctly on the largest American flag in the neighborhood, and then it’s lights out at a proper decent hour in the heartland.
The next morning Ellfinwoof remembers he has a meeting in Eau Clair about 40 miles away. So he’s off first to buy $10.00 worth of gas. Standing there pumping away he ponders just what a great country this is. “Ah Geese now look what I did” the pump meter reads $10.03. He reaches into his pocket for the three cents but remembers his lovely wife of twenty years had put out a freshly pressed pair of pants and there’s no change! He checks the cab of his dairy truck “gosh darn” he exclaims no change there either. “the lady at the gas station will just have to understand” he reasons.
“I’m sorry sir” the lady exclaims “IF THE PUMP READS $10.03 THEN THAT’S WHAT I WANT!”
“Will that’s fine” Elfenwolf replies “I’ll be happy to drive by tomorrow and give you your damn three cents”
“DON’T CUSS AT ME, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?... IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THAT THREE CENTS RIGHT THIS SECOND I’LL BE FORCED TO CALL THE POLICE!!!!!”
Laughing “Ma’am, with all due respect, if you call the police over three measly cents the cops might haul you off to jail for wasting their time”
And with that Elfenwolf hops into his dairy truck and roars out of the station and onto the highway. “silly woman” he wonders out loud. Fifteen minutes pass and as the slightly rolling hills give way to ever changing farmlands. He hopes his business in Eau Clare doesn’t take much time as he is hoping to get back to his computer soon enough for some more Ace’s High fun. Some emergency vehicles are approaching from the rear, there must be an accident up ahead he thought.
PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD blared the Wisconsin State patrol car speaker Me? thought Elfenwolf quickly pulling over
“KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT THE WINDOW” barked the trooper”
“WALK BACKWARDS TO THE BACK OF THE TRUCK” Elfenwolf did as he was told. “NOW GET ON THE GROUND FACE DOWN!!!”
“face down?... officers... wait.. I can explain” blurted the shocked Elfenwolf
“WHAT’S THE MATTER YOU DON’T diddlyIN’ SPEAKIE THE ENGLISH? I SAID FACE DOWN!!!!!” Screamed the police officer
Once the prep was firmly secured and mirandized he was shoved rudely into the back of the cruiser.
“Listen officers, I have a very important meeting at the University of Wisconsin and am already late, I....
“Hey did you hear that Charlie?... This piece of toejam has a meeting at the University of Wisconsin” Heh-heh-heh-heh chortled Charlie. “Say, what did you say your name was?”. “Elfenwolf sir”
“Elfenshit was it?”
“Uh.. no sir that’s Elfenwo...”
“Well no matter, you can tell it to the judge.
“Alright Mr. Elfenshit you can step out of the car now. We have finger printing, mug shots, and full FBI check to make sure your not one of those terrorists.”
“Um.. excuse me”
“What is it now Elfenshit?”
“That’s Elfenwolf”
“Yeah whatever, what do ya want?”
“What am I being charged with?”
“What are you being charged with... hey did you hear that Charlie?.. Your being charged with thief of gasoline a class C felony in this state.
“But I paid for the... “
“Hey dumbshit, don’t make our jobs any harder, the gas station attendant told us you didn’t’ pay. Now if you please, step right this way we have a cozy little room for you to sit in.
“I want to speak to an attorney”
“Don’t worry you’ll get your one phone call you can call your attorney or if you don’t have money the court will assign you a public defender.”
Forty-five minutes pass. Poor Elfenwolf.. What to do.. When they finally allow him to make his one phone call should he call his wife? She could call a lawyer and rush down with the bail money-- Oh the trauma what a nightmare! What if she laughs when he explains this whole matter is over three diddlying cents.. oh my he thought... I said a cuss word! That’s what happens when they throw you in the slammer.. you start saying BAD words..
“Mr. Elfenwolf? Hi I’m your public defender Fran Colter.”
“Public defender? but I...”
“Mr. Elfenwolf how do you want to plead in this case?”
“I’m not guilty of any...”
“You say your not guilty of defrauding a gas station attendant?”
“Well I.. I didn’t have any... this is all very silly and besides I‘m very hungry and want a hot dish”
“Mr. Elfenwolf if you plead not guilty your be placed in county lock up for five days until your trial. If you plead no contest I can get you out of here today.. Arraignment is in 15 minutes..” “What!! 15 minutes??”
“They do things fast around here.”
All rise the right honorable Judge Fritz Hollings presiding.
Bailiff : case number 37532 Airhead Elfenwolf
Judge: “Mr Elfenwolf how do you plead?”
Effie: “Well your honor, this lady wants me to plead no contest”
Judge: “Is the defendant ready for sentencing?”
Effie: Sentencing?... wait a minute just hold your horses, this is supposed to be just the arraignment.
Miss Colter: In Wisconsin a no contest verdict the defendant can be sentenced the very same day.
Judge: “Will the defendant please stand, Mr. Airhead Elfenwolf I sentence you to 10 years in the Wisconsin State Penitentiary.
Effie “WHAT!!! SAY WHAT..... what did he say?????” there must be some mistake! there must be some mistake!!!
Judge: WHAP!! “next case”
(To be cont. 1AM here.. need to work in morning)
