On my way to the con I stopped off at a chile contest just inside the Loo-si-anna, Texas border. One of the Judges couldn't make it so they ask me if I could step in as a judge. Since judgeing chile came with all the free beer you wanted I gladly accepted.
Chile #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chile.
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato, amusing kick
JUDGE TWO: Nice smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
WEASLSAN: Holy Chit! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Two beers to put the flames out.
Chile#2 Art's F16 Afterburner Chile.
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork.Slight Jalapeno tang
JUDGE TWO: Nice hint of BBQ, Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Weaslsan: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to taste beside pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chile#3 Frank's Famous Jumps up and kick's yo butt chile.
JUDGE#1:Excellent firehouse kick, needs more beans.
JUDGE#2: A beanless chile, a bit salty good use of peppers.
Weaslsan: Damn call the EPA I found a uranium spill, My nose feels like I been snortin' Drano They know the drill by now MORE BEER before I Ignite. Barmaid pounding on my back. I'm getting Chitfaced from the beer.
Chile #4 Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE#1 Black bean Chile with almost no spice. Disappointing
JUDGE#2 Hint if lime, nice mild sidedish with fish, or other mild foods. Not much of a Chile.
Weaslsan: I felt something scrape across my tongue, Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the bar maid is standing behide me with beer refills, That ugly slut is starting to look as hot as this nuclear waste i'm eating.
Chile#5 Linda's legal lip remover
JUDGE#1 Meaty strong Chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
JUDGE#2 Chile useing shredded beef.Could use more tomatos. Must admit peppers make a strong statement
Weaslsan:My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring from my body and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. Sally saved my tongue from serious damage by pouring beer in my mouth. They ask me to stop screaming. SCREW THESE REDNECKS
Chile#6 Vera's very vegetarian variety
JUDGE#1 Thin yet bold vegetarian chile. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE#2 Outstanding, good use of garlic, aggressive use of peppers. superb!
Weaslsan: My intestines are a straight pipe filled with sulfuric gas.
If I watermelon myself it'll eat right through the chair. Nobody but sally will stand behind me. Oh man I gotta wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chile #7 Susan's screaming sensation chile
JUDGE#1 a mediocre chile with to much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE#2 HO HUM tastes as if the chef threw in a can of peppers at the last moment. I am worried about judge#3 he doesn't look very well.
Weaslsan. You could put a grenade in my mouth. pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. Iv'e lost the sight in one eye and all I hear is the sound of rushing water. My shirt is full of chile that has fallen from my mouth and is burning my chest. My pants is full of lava. At least at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. It's to painful to breath,screw it.. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. I can just breath through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chile#8 Helen's mount saint chile
JUDGE#1 Perfect ending. This is a nice safe chile. Not to bold but with enough spice to declare it's existence
JUDGE#2 A nice balanced chile neither mild nor hot. Two bad it was lost when Judge #3 passed out and pulled the pot down on himself.
Weaslsan: unable to report.
Weaslsan:
