Divorces: Perspective from a child

[XNachoX]

-Don't read unless you have some time.  May seem like I'm ranting, but I'm just giving parents a perspective.

      I'm 15.  Parents were divorced when I was in the third grade.  I have a brother that is 5 years younger than me.

     When my parents got divorced I didn't understand it at the time.  I wondered why mommy and daddy were fighting and if it was because of me.  As time went on I slowly began to realize that they were never going to be around each other again for any length of time and it hurt.  I became depressed in the 6th and 7th grade, and it was one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life.  At 14 I signed an affidavit, which my dad (a lawyer) had given me,and had a falling out with my mother when she found out which resulted in myself being kicked out of her home and told never to return.  I began living with my dad (who I love very much) and didn't think about her much except late at night.

     I talked to her for the first time in a long time at the beginning this year, and it seemed she had changed.  I began spending a little time with her, and then it went right back to the same old fediddlein guilt trips.  I didn't talk to her for maybe 3 months after those started.  My dad, who she had now begun talking to because he gave her money when she needed it, told her that the only way she would ever get me to see her again was if she totally changed her attitude.  Later that month she invited me to see a baseball game and things have been going 'ok' for the last few months, but I still don't ever visit her house or spend more than 4 hours at a time with her because being around her makes me irritable and mean when I go back to my dads.  I've turned into a pretty outgoing guy with some good friends, and a very nice girl that makes me feel great when I'm with her.

     My dad got re-married four years ago to a woman named Kristi.  I still don't know her that well and I don't want too.  I've vented on her a couple of times and have said some pretty mean things (which are probably true, but eh...I digress).  I have a step-sister named Maddison who I love dearly, and a step-brother who doesn't come around often.

     What the hell am I talking about in this thread?  I don't know, but I'm asking if your parents ever had a divorce and how has it changed you?

P.S.  Don't ever make your child feel like they have an obligation to love you.  You earn it.  I don't "owe" you.

[mrfish]

Originally posted by XNachoX
    When my parents got divorced I didn't understand it at the time.  I wondered why mommy and daddy were fighting and if it was because of me.  

i've heard that from tv characters a thousand times, but this is the first time i've ever heard it offered first hand from someone real.

my mom and dad got divorced 3 times EACH when i was a kid and each time i felt like my parents/step-parents/step-step-parents...etc  were just dysfunctional screw-ups.  i always wondered why other kids felt they had something to do with their parents' divorces. guess it's different for everyone

in a few years you can go start your own stable life and let them spend their time stressing -  it's a great relief when you can show them how to do it right as a soon-to-be official adult-  just hold out a while and don't repeat their mistakes- good luck.

[Nefarious]

I'm 21, My parents were divorced when I was in the second grade. I remember the Counselors stopping by my classroom and talking to me. I didnt understand why they were doing it.

And I still dont understand why they did, Now that I look back at it, I took it as a champ. And probably in some yellow folder packed deep away it might state that.

My parents never had to prove anything for me. They kept on living thier lives and so did I. My mom had to work two jobs to take care of me and my older sister why my father was at sea. We lived in the worst nieghborhoods and it wasnt until I was about 11 or 12 my mom finally got a nice house in a alright neighborhood. I remember when she got that house and how happy she was. She might have been trying to prove something to my father, and that I will never know.

My parents kept a good talking relationship after thier divorce and my father helped out when he could. When I moved from Virginina beach VA to West Virginia, My mother and I hardly ever talked. She would write me letters and send me birthday and Christmas presents. And she would occaisonally visit. When I went to college almost 2 years ago, Our relationship almost ceased to exist, I thought nothing of it. She occaisonally sent me a birthday card with 20 bucks in it or something. She came and picked me up and took me to my Grandmothers house for Christmas of 2001, It was the first time we had seen each other in almost two years. We had a wonderful Christmas together. When I turned 21 this year in Feburary, I waited for her usual birthday card. But it never came, Almost two weeks later I recieved a phone call from my grandmother. My Mother had killed herself.

Nacho, dont let stupid pity problems get in the way of your relationship with your parents. For the last time you see each other just may be the last time forever.

[Hawklore]

 Hope you guys are okay......

[XNachoX]

I'm quite fine.  Just wondering about other peoples experiences and if it's affected the way they live today.  

Nef:  Quite sorry to hear that.  Will do

[AKDejaVu]

Excellent advice Nefarious.  Hard way to learn it.

AKDejaVu

[crowMAW]

Hang in there Nacho.

My folks divorced when I was 8 (nearly 30 years ago...wow, I feel old).  I had to put up with a dad who only occasionally provided the support I was due (financially and emotionally) and a mom who was a complete basket case for a couple of years after loosing her one true love.  It was tough...and still is...even at this age it is an emotional battle splitting my holiday time between my parents.

Anyway, one day you will come to the realization that your parents are people.  They are no better or different than you or the people you hang with at school.  The only difference is that they have experienced more in life than you.  They are not perfect.

One day after you realize that, hopefully, you will be able to forgive them for not being perfect and forgive them for all the hell they put you through.  You will have really grown up on that day.  And I would bet that you will be happier when you are around them too.  I remember that day for me very well...I was 21.

As for your stepmom.  I don't know what she is like.  I had a stepdad for a couple of years who was terrible and abusive.  I can understand if you don't like her if she is abusing you or your step-sister.  But I also have a stepmom who is great.  She's always been nice to me even when I was not so nice to her.  I was really just mad at her for not being my mom.  

If Kristi is like my stepmom, remember that it is not her fault that she is not your mom.  And she is doing the best she can in a tough situation, since she problably knows that you don't like her.  She probably doesn't even understand why you don't like her.  Give her a chance, especially if she and your dad are happy together.  Your dad deserves a chance to be with someone that makes him happy even if it is not your mom.

[Eagler]

"for better or worse ... til death do us part"

ah, let's just throw that outa there and call it quits when it gets tough, hell with the kids - lets think of no one or nothing but ourselves (usually the wallet and/or the crotch is involved) ... the grass is greener over there, no, no I mean other there, no there ..no there maybe..

divorce - ain't it great...

[Ripsnort]

Divorce plowed me up badly at a time when I didn't need it (13-18 years old).  Parents used me as a tool against one another, in turn I used them.  nasty nasty nasty.  Luckily I pulled my head out at 18 and moved out on my own, which also taught me self-discipline (something lacking as a teenager, where I could do what I wanted to do, and come and go as I pleased)

I learned one lesson from it all, learn to put up with character flaws in your mate/wife/husband.  Keep it together.  Married ONCE, and married for life, thru thick and thin.

Hang in there Nacho.  It wasn't until I was 21 that all the bad feelings for both parents were mended...

[LePaul]

Wow guys

My folks are still happily married after 34 years...I'm sure they've had their moments...but for whatever reasons, they are still together     I guess I take some things for granted, like having a Mom and Dad that are together and such.  I'm supposed to pop by and see them tonight for a quick min....your posts just reminded me that perhaps a long hug is in order to appreciate what I've got.

[hblair]

I feel bad for you fellas who had to go through that stuff. Couples oughta do their best to stay together. Of course it all goes back to being careful who you marry. People marry at the drop of a hat and don't take their marriage seriously enough. My wife and I have had our probs, like that time I had to shoot her with the scattergun . But we've been able to stick it out. Been married 11 years. Best 11 years of her life. Both sets of my grandparents were married over 50 years.

[Greese]

Both my parents, and my wifes parents are still happily married.  

At our wedding (almost 4 years ago) we decided that we needed to recognize that.  In this day and age, to maintain your commitment for that long, for better or worse, we decided was important for us to acknowlege our parents as being good role models to us.  So in the middle of the ceremony, we suprised them with flowers, hugs, and appreciation.  

Never saw my parents filled with so much emotion.  It was great.

[Horn]

Originally posted by Eagler
"for better or worse ... til death do us part"

ah, let's just throw that outa there and call it quits when it gets tough, hell with the kids - lets think of no one or nothing but ourselves (usually the wallet and/or the crotch is involved) ... the grass is greener over there, no, no I mean other there, no there ..no there maybe..

You are a fool of the first water. Sometimes it is ALL about the kids. Kids living in a home where the parents hate each other is a long-term torture far worse than divorce.

Been there and done that.

Horn

[GtoRA2]

My parents got divorced when I was 16.

I had grown up knowing my dad was a druggy, and no one else knew, both parents worked full time, and neither really monitored what I did.

I got in so many fights and cut so much school I get kicked out of the school district.  I got sent to Christian school(the root of my disdain for religion) The first year at that school things really started to fall apart. My dad was getting worse and worse. My mom was having problems, and everything came to a head at the dinner table one night. I sat at the table and my mom said something and being a teen I mouthed off. My dad said something like: Who the diddly do you think you are talking to your mother like that!?"

I lost it, things had been building inside me, I thought of suicide, of killing my dad or just taking off. I came so close to offing myself a few days earlier, it was only a friends call that made me decide not to.
I stood up, and I am not sure to this day how I got past him, and screamed something like "diddly YOU, you gave up your right to talk to me like that! you snorted it up you diddlying nose!" and then headed for the door. I got out and he screamed "Don't come back motherdiddlyer!" and I walked. I wondered for a few hours and then came home and sat in the driveway. My mom came out and said she was going to file for divorce the next day. I never blamed myself.

My dad and I never talked about it, and in a few months we started talking. A few months later I got a GTO and we worked on it together. He had stopped the drugs and the booze was as under control. I really became his only friend, when my parents finally sold the house, they remained friendly.

I was bitter for along time and that affected my life, I figured out I needed to stop using it as a crutch and get on with my life.
I wish things had been different, but they made me who I am now and I like myself.
I look back on all the things I made it through and take pride in who I am now, having over come it all.

Forgive your mom if you can.

If your step mom is ok, try and except her for who she is.

Most of all do not dwell on it to much, do not use it as an excuse to mess your life up!

Good luck Nacho. I feel for ya.

[Ripsnort]

Originally posted by Horn


You are a fool of the first water. Sometimes it is ALL about the kids. Kids living in a home where the parents hate each other is a long-term torture far worse than divorce.

Been there and done that.

Horn

The "Hating each other" part was the problem to begin with...other than infidelity, all other problems can be overcome with effort from both parties.