airline humor

[AKcurly]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.   An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!

You got >that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.  

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.

Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.  Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,  contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."

[Swoop]

Hey Curly, if you're at the con this year remind me to tell ya the one I heard from a guy who was a controller in GB during the French air traffic control strike.  

[beet1e]

I love these stories. When "'Allo 'Allo" was playing on British TV in the 1980s, there were many aviation weekenders heading off to places like Calais and Le Touquet. It was normal to be handed off from British ATC at midpoint Channel. Many would call Le Touquet on 125.3 and say "Good Moaning" in an Officer Crabtree voice. I did it once, but the ATC was not amused.

Curly mentions Gatwick, and I was on their frequency en route France one time. There had been a lull in the traffic, when a voice piped up with "It's very quiet today..." I could tell, from the lack of engine noise, that the voice had come from an airliner...

... so a year or so later, I was passing White Waltham on the way to the Isle of Wight. There was no-one on frequency, so I couldn't resist: "It's very quiet today...", said I. Moments later a voice replied "...perhaps it was something you said".   rofl