Author Topic: Monty Python and Iraq...... (Read 737 times)

Swoop · « **on:** February 19, 2003, 07:08:20 AM »

Letter to the Observer newspaper from Monty Python's Terry Jones

Sunday January 26, 2003

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.

-tronski- · « **Reply #1 on:** February 19, 2003, 07:16:43 AM »

If you can, check out his TV series on the history of the Crusades...excellent stuff.

Tronsky

straffo · « **Reply #2 on:** February 19, 2003, 07:24:32 AM »

Cannot eat rabbit since I've seen this film

ra · « **Reply #3 on:** February 19, 2003, 07:32:28 AM »

Quote

If you can, check out his TV series on the history of the Crusades...excellent stuff.

His series made Arabs look incapable of evil, while Crusaders were capable of nothing but. Bashing the western world is very chic in amongst the entertainment class.

ra

-tronski- · « **Reply #4 on:** February 19, 2003, 07:37:39 AM »

Quote

Cannot eat rabbit since I've seen this film

hehehehe....

Just for you straffo:

FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]
ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then?
FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
   [sniff]
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
   Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS: Christ!
   Ah! Ohh!...
ARTHUR: Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS: Charge!
   [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
   [mayhem]
FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad!
ARTHUR: Run away!

Tronsky

straffo · « **Reply #5 on:** February 19, 2003, 07:39:50 AM »

hehe

I love the monty (an no ! I'm not a Jerry Lewis fan

)

Swoop · « **Reply #6 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:10:39 AM »

Did you guys actually read Terry's letter or are you all just lumping python quotes into the thread on general principle?

Hortlund · « **Reply #7 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:15:59 AM »

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

Well, Terrys letter was kinda silly. Much more fun to talk about Monty.

bounder · « **Reply #8 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:25:02 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by Swoop
Did you guys actually read Terry's letter or are you all just lumping python quotes into the thread on general principle?

Swoop the problem is they are all men who still think the funniest thing in the world is to literally 'Spam' the BBS with MP quotes at the first mention of the Holy Pythons.

I remember the MUDS of the early days when this sprt of behaviour actually gave rise to the term 'Spam' .

Hordes of idiots would fill their keyboard buffers full of the word 'spam' and then dump it into the room they were in, whenever anyone mentioned 'vikings'.

Repeating 30 year old humour is not humourous, it is deeply tedious. Cutting and pasting it is doubly so.

Sorry, I am as much a python fan as the next person should be, but I grew of reciting the stuff when I was 17. Why don't people recite Bill Hicks instead? (RIP).

Terry Jones holds a history PhD and knows a thing or two about the middle east. I did think his letter was a bit simplistic in it's analysis, but such is the nature fo analogy.

bounder · « **Reply #9 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:26:23 AM »

In case anyone was wondering I used to connect to Surfers MUD at src.doc.ic.ac.uk as Zenuri between 92 and 95.

straffo · « **Reply #10 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:30:07 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by Swoop
Did you guys actually read Terry's letter or are you all just lumping python quotes into the thread on general principle?

I've read it and don't expect any brit or monty python bashing to start.

AFAIK Terry Jones is not french.

CyranoAH · « **Reply #11 on:** February 19, 2003, 08:48:45 AM »

I read it. It's a very pythonesque way to voice his opinion on the subject, with which I mostly agree.

Having said that, I think the world would be a better place if the Spanish Inquisition ruled.

Saddam not complying with the resolution?? To the comfy chair with him, I say!!

Daniel

Barney Fife · « **Reply #12 on:** February 19, 2003, 09:38:07 AM »

Swoop · « **Reply #13 on:** February 19, 2003, 09:41:10 AM »

Quote

Originally posted by straffo
I've read it and don't expect any brit or monty python bashing to start.

AFAIK Terry Jones is not french.

Straffo

Do I look like Hangtime now?

First I get mistaken for 28Sweep, now Hang as well? What with all the Swoop wannabe's around in the MA it's a wonder my squaddies even recognise me anymore. Swoopy even said the "ty" to an "~~" meant for me on ch1 the other night. . I mean what's the world comin to?~~

straffo · « **Reply #14 on:** February 19, 2003, 09:46:18 AM »

No swoop it was not directed at you

It was more a comment because I more and more disillusioned (désabusé in french ) by the behaviour of some poster of this BBS.

In fact it look to be politically correct to pick on the french and bash them ... but totally incorrect to be in complete disagreement with US foreign policy.