By John Kelso
AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF
Sunday, February 23, 2003
I thought it was pretty darned inconsiderate of the federal government to
tell Americans that they should stock up on duct tape and plastic sheeting
to plug up their houses.
You sure didn't catch me going over to Lowe's Home Improvement Warehouse
to buy any of that stuff. Why would I? If you tape up your house real good,
it's kinda like putting a Hefty bag over your head, a medical procedure
not recommended by most physicians.
Besides, the last thing I want to be doing right before my number's up is
a bunch of chores. Do you know how much work it is to tape up all the holes
in your home? What if a guy is trying to watch a ballgame, and his old lady
makes him duct-tape the house just because Tom Ridge ran his mouth? That
would really tick me off.
Heck, if you put "duct tape" and "plastic sheeting" at the top of your
terrorist attack stock-up list, you might as well put "lawn mower" on
there, too. Or "paint."
When the bad guys come, I don't want to be doing honey-do's. I want to be
messing around or pounding on someone with a Louisville Slugger. So if I
were head of homeland security, I would suggest that you buy the following
for your stock-up list in case of prolonged terrorist attack. At least
you'll have a good time on the way out:
* Two cases of Bushmills Irish whiskey, a couple of shot glasses, 14
six-packs of club soda in the small bottles (the big ones lose their
fizz), four 1-gallon jugs of Mount Gay dark rum, two cases of Coca-Cola in the
small glass bottles, 30 fifths of Stolichnaya vodka, three dozen limes, 40
bags of Reddy Ice and a kazoo.
* 10 pounds of pistachios, six dozen packages of Nathan's hot dogs with
buns, a 5-pound bag of 1015 onions, a gallon of French's yellow mustard, a
case of Doritos, 14 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, two dozen fried pies, a
deck of cards and a dominoes table.
* A generator to run essential appliances, such as a Crock-Pot to make
queso.
* Speaking of queso, 30 large blocks of Velveeta, 40 jars of Jaime's
Spanish Village salsa, a bushel of pickled jalapeņos, 47 boxes of Ritz crackers,
15 large bags of El Galindo tortilla chips, a wide selection of Blue Bell Ice
Cream and a couple of spoons.
* $100,000 in cash and, for you single guys, $20,000 in ones and fives
along with a front-row seat at the Yellow Rose.
* Two cords of post oak (dried and split), a barrel-on-wheels barbecue
cooker, 40 cans of lighter fluid, a couple of bags of hickory chips, 36
cases of ribeye steaks, 18 venison backstraps, 43 pounds of hot guts from
the Southside Market in Elgin, a sharp knife, a butcher block, 15 rolls of
paper towels, 40 boxes of Charmin toilet paper, an iron skillet, 23
bottles of canola oil, 23 6-pound briskets, 39 whole chickens and 30 loaves of Mrs
Baird's white bread for sausage wraps.
* The latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and your reading glasses.
* Fourteen cases of Shiner Bock, 23 cases of Guinness, a church key, three
cases of chardonnay and a corkscrew.
Now throw the plastic sheeting on the ground and have a picnic.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him
at 445-3606 or
jkelso@statesman.com.
