Occupied Texas, former US
By Derk al-Kattabi
EuroNews
Now that UN troops have conquered the American homeland, ending a five-year reign of terror by the Bu****es, the world can afford to catch its breath and try to understand how the nightmare started. How did America go from Superpower to rogue state, drawing down on itself the wrath of the entire world?
"It happened so quickly!" That's the point UN historian Col. Doug McNammie (UN/Canada) makes when describing America's descent into savagery. McNammie stresses the fact that America was a happy, prosperous nation in 2000.
McNammie sees the fall of America as having three distinct stages: First, the disputed election of 2000; then the disastrous Iraq expedition; and finally, the attacks of 2004, when the US seemed to strike out almost randomly at any country it considered "unhelpful."
Yankee POWs greet their Finnish Blue Helmet liberators from Bu****e tyranny
In McNammie's view, it was this third stage which forced the UN to contain the American threat. When the "Bushies" resorted to nuclear weapons to punish humble Norway for refusing to vote with the US in a Security Council showdown, Europe and Asia united against the "rabid" Yankees.
McNammie believes America fell prey to what he calls "The Liberian Scenario." "It happens to countries like Liberia and Sierra Leone all the time," he insists. "It's just that we didn't expect to see it in the US." The first stage of the "Liberian Scenario" is a disputed election which pits tribe against tribe. In McNammie's view, the 2000 election revealed an America starkly divided between inland Fundamentalists advocating "something like Sharia Law" and coastal urbanites who were in favor of modernization. At first these tribal forces were roughly equal in power; the inland fanatics won simply because they were more savage. "The crazies turned out to be...well, crazier," sighs McNammie, shaking his head.
McNammie draws some provocative parallels to other nations' return to barbarism: "It's happened to many other 'civilized' countries, like Iran. Sometimes a country just seems to decide it wants to regress.
That's what happened to the US in 2000."
Haunted by the illegitimacy of their rise to power, the "crazies" looked for military adventures to cement their rule. "It's a classic West-African scenario," says McNammie. "Steal the election, then start a war next door."
That first war was the ill-fated invasion of Iraq in March 2003. From the start, the Iraq campaign was a disaster. Bush, who had promised war in "weeks, not months," spent almost two years waffling.
Many historians now share the view that the regime purposely delayed the attack on Iraq to "madden" Americans. "Every day the war was delayed, oil prices went up, and you have to remember the Bush clan owned a lot of that oil. Why should they have hurried?"
Finally, in spring 2003, Bush was forced by his own logic to order the long-delayed Iraq strike. The invasion destroyed the fragile balance of power in the Middle East. Within a year, the Saudi regime had fallen and the "New Ottomans" remade Turkey, once a valued American ally, launching the "Counter-Crusade" which has seen the Balkans come under Turkish rule once more.
Then-President Bush reacted savagely to the unexpected defeats. On February 7, 2004, Bush overruled his own commanders, ordering simultaneous attacks on Somalia, Malaysia and France. Even loyal "Bush-babies" were stunned and began to counsel "moderation." Bush reacted by retreating to his fortified Virginia bunker. From this point until his final surrender to female Danish troops, Bush never left the bunker.
Yet while launching attacks on dozens of former allies, Bush was almost submissive toward one country: North Korea. Even when Kim Jong-Il launched a nuclear attack on Tokyo in 2004, Bush called for "understanding" of the North Korean action. One UN psychologist explains: "Bush and Kim Jong-Il understood each other. You have to remember, they were both weak sons, drunks, cowards who liked sending other people to their deaths. They saw eye-to-eye from the start."
Norway, a loyal, inoffensive NATO ally, felt the wrath of the mad president. On May 20, 2004, Oslo and Bergen, the two largest cities in Norway, were completely annihilated by US nuclear weapons.
No one yet knows how the deranged leader or his henchmen reached the terrible decision. Bush, now in custody, has said only that "those fjords were suspicious."
The Norwegian genocide gave the anti-US coalition new resolve. UN forces took the war to North America, overcoming the Yankees in a cruel two-year war which is only now reaching an end.
The UN plan was a classic pincer attack. While Chinese and Russian troops drove south from Canada, European troops pushed north from Mexico. When the UN troops reached Texas, the most bitter and costly battles of the war began. What happened in Texas? Are the rumors of UN massacres true, or were these stories simply desperate, last-ditch Bu****e propaganda?
Most observers agree that it was the Texans who began the cycle of tit-for-tat killings, and many Yankees will admit, in private, that Texas, tribal home for the President, "had it coming." In the rest of the Yankee homeland, especially California, Oregon and Washington, UN troops were welcomed as "liberators." In the rest of the former US, resistance was scattered and weak.
One of the surprises of the war was that the most rabid American rightwingers were the first to surrender, often volunteering to collaborate. The notorious Rush Limbaugh was one of the first Yankees to switch sides, defecting to UN Media Command as soon as the tide turned against the Yankees. Though it earned him the nickname "Rush to Surrender," Limbaugh's move undoubtedly saved his XL skin from the gallows. And liberal EU mores on homosexuality will undoubtedly relieve some of his tension.
Many of the most vociferous Bu****es followed Limbaugh's example. A Chinese officer who took part in the US campaign recalls, "We were the first [UN] unit to hit Idaho, and we heard it was full of armed men who would fight to the last. But they ran and hid from us. We were very sorry, because we expected more battle. We have lost face."
When European troops took Bush's Virginia bunker compound in January 2005, the war was over. The now-famous video of Bush surrendering to female Danish troops, which was immediately broadcast over the former US, convinced many loyal "Bush-babies" to lay down their arms. A UN psychologist says, "When the Yankees saw their Commander-in-Chief crawling to the Danes on his knees, begging for his life and promising to 'name names,' it was as if they had been slapped awake."
The task facing UN forces now is "De-Bushification" of the occupied US. UN Courts will soon convene to try several thousand Yankee suspects held for Crimes against Humanity that claimed as many as 60 million victims from Kuala Lumpur to Oslo. Some of the most influential "chickenhawks," including Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld and Cheney, have agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. A British military lawyer preparing the UN's case says, "This lot have turned on each other like rats in a trap, squealing at full pitch."
While the top Bu****es face stiff sentences, the ordinary Yankee will be treated with mercy. UN officials who have researched pre-war Yankee psychology stress that the ordinary Yankee "kubik" (derived from "cubicle-slave," a derisive term for Yankee workers) was a victim of the Bu****es. "The kubiks were virtual serfs, working 70 hours a week with no medical care or childcare. There was daily propaganda designed to keep them in a state of terror. Anyone who spoke up was punished. They had no choice but to obey."
The UN faces the task of de-Bushification with a mixture of kindness and firmness. Standing amid the rubble of what was once Dallas, Private Thierry Berenge (UN/France) wipes the sweat from his brow and says quietly, "We should be merciful. After all, Europe was once as savage as America."
P.S. Bu****es — B u meatball e s
