THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
The late John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had
18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck
over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds
heavier than Mr Hawkins to hop the fence and then assist his friend over
Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other
side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly
figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife
and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his entire body and worse, without the protection of his
shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse
still, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins,
seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and
tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and
slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the
truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing 30' below atop
his friend, killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100'
from the truck and dead from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a
holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling
from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Hearty congratulations gentlemen, you win...
