America should be a bad-ass cowboy and gun down anyone who gets in our way!
I'm madder than Roy Rogers with a busted guitar at all these filthy foreigners whining about how Americans are a bunch of "cowboys."
These yahoos think we're the bad guys and that the real problem in the world today is "American imperialism" -- not that nutcase Saddam having enough anthrax and nerve gas to wipe out the human race 10 times over.
Well, folks, I say it's high time for Uncle Sam to proudly tell the world he is a cowboy. A bad-ass cowboy who's not afraid to shoot first and ask questions afterward is exactly what the world needs right now to get rid of tough hombres like Saddam and all those murdering terrorist thugs.
Let's come right out and say there's a new sheriff in town, buckaroos.
And I'm not talking about a squeaky-clean lawman like the Lone Ranger who used to shoot the guns out of bad guys' hands with a silver bullet.
I mean a modern-day Clint Eastwood-type cowboy who growls, "Make my day" before pumping six shots into some creep's back.
Or remember Walking Tall, where that tough sheriff Buford Pusser kept moonshine-making hillbillies in line with his trusty 2 by 4?
Well, Uncle Sam oughta do the same thing -- only instead of whacking heads with a big stick, clobber sense into them with a nuclear missile.
I mean it, gang. From now on, any of these fool countries step out of line, we shove the biggest nuke in our arsenal right up its old wazoo.
It's no more Mr. Nice Guy. Nice guys finish last -- just ask Jimmy Carter.
So let's cut out this malarky about begging the U.N. on our hands and knees like some Third World dump before going to war.
Next time, just bomb the hell out of the turkeys and get it over with.
We're the most powerful nation on Earth and we ought to act like it, by jiminy. I say, let's shove peace down the throats of these foreign rascals -- no matter how many people we have to kill to do it.
When Ancient Rome was the baddest dude on the block, there was peace in Europe for hundreds of years. And the emperors didn't maintain order by wimpy "nation building." Why, if a country like Carthage acted up, they'd defeat it, raze every building to the ground -- then sow salt into the soil. The rest of the world got the picture mighty quick and fell right into line.
As the world's sheriff, two things we ought to do right off the bat is make English the universal language and institute a single currency -- the almighty dollar. That silly Euro is the goofiest idea they ever came up with.
Once we have the whole Earth speaking one language everyone can understand, united under America's thumb, we'll finally have world peace.
