Gee Funked, the martini's pretty easy to do even for you.
1) put a shaker, a martini glass and a bottle of vodka in a freezer for a long time.
2) put four shots of vodka in the shaker, with a little ice
3) call up a friend on the East coast, and ask them to take their bottle of dry vermouth out and hold it to the telephone.
4) hold telephone to shaker for 5 seconds
5) shake mixture
6) serve in glass with olives.
That's simple. Oh yeah, that's right, you prefer silly sweet drinks.
I'm with you on 27
39's a little tough though. Maybe on the coasts. Here, beer is still cheap. My rule is "if your tip includes coins, tip at least 30% the bill, and never tip more than a dollar in coins".
81 is also a misconception. Alcohol in the blood makes a stink. You can smell those aldehydes.