Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: MrRiplEy[H] on May 27, 2013, 12:41:39 PM
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Allright, another thread got me thinking a joke thread might be fun. Especially nasty jokes (forum rules permitting naturally).
I'll start off with one:
An obese man went to the doctor. The doctor said the man has a maximum of 2 years to live unless he loses some weight. Actually a lot of weight.
So the man starts a diet. He exercices. He takes hot sauna to sweat weight off. After two years he's still alive and over 100kg lighter than before. He visits the doctor again.
"Hi doctor, do you recognize me?" The doctor is baffled to hear about his achievement. "There's one problem though, now that I've lost weight I have all this excess skin...".
The doctor says it's no problem, a quick surgery will fix the problem. The doctor explained to the man that all they'll need to do is just pull all the loose skin upwards, cut the excess off and sow it all back in - a bit like pulling up your loose pants.
The man is excited and they agree to go through the operation. After the operation the man looks at the results from the mirror and couldn't be happier.. All the loose skin is gone and finally he can put some loose clothes on - even dare to travel in a public bus.
The man enters the bus smiling to himself and stands in the crowded bus when someone knocks his shoulder...
"Excuse me, Sir, you may want to put a scarf on - we can see your rectum."
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A wealthy older lady goes to the plastic surgeon and asks timidly about a procedure to make her lady parts appear younger for her new rich husband.
Now this woman had been a regular to the plastic surgery clinic so the doctor happily took her in. Before the surgery took place the older woman made it very clear that she was embarrassed about this particular procedure so she asked the doctor to keep it very quiet.
After the successful surgery, the older woman awakes in her recovery room to see three different sets of flowers. Quickly the older woman becomes enraged and demands an audience with the doctor.
The doctor arrives to speak with the old Lady:
Old Lady: I told you not to tell anyone about this procedure, why the hell are their flowers in my room!?
Doctor: Well Mrs. Belle, you've been such a wonderful patient over the years that my staff purchased the first set of flowers to show you their appreciation. And the second set of flowers was from me. Again, Mrs. Belle, you have been a patient of mine for some time now and I felt it necassary to show you my gratitude is all...
Old Lady: OH!? Well in that case, thank you!..... But what about the third one? Who did they come from!?
Doctor: Right, those are from the burn victim downstairs thanking you for his new ears.....
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A man with a high pitched voice (a typical squeaker) gets tired to his voice and goes to visit the doctor.
"Doctor, is there anything you can do about my voice? I wan't a manly low voice - much like yours!".
The doctor thinks for a while, then orders a bunch of tests.
After a week he comes up with a conclusion:
"I've found out the cause of your high pitched voice. You have a very large noodle and the weight of it is putting excess strain on your neck and your vocal chords."
"Well that is true, but what can we do about it?" asks the patient. The doctor thinks for a while, then he concludes that basically his only option would be to have a size reduction operation.
The patient is torn between choices, he can't find women because of his boyish voice but on the other hand he doesn't want to lose his assets either. In the end he makes the difficult decision to go on with the reduction surgery.
The surgery is performed, the man wakes up from the anesthesia and is happy to realize his voice is now low and manly - pretty much like the doctors - just as he was hoping. He goes out to a bar with a new found confidence and picks up a gorgeous woman. Things lead to another and they fall passionately in love. But there is just one problem - she confesses to him that she could never marry him as he can't satisfy her in bed due to his size. Realizing his mistake the man runs back to the doctors office and storms through the door...
"Doctor! I've made a horrible mistake! I need the operation to be reversed!"
"I'm sorry but that's just not possible anymore" the doctor says in a tense, high pitched voice.
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:rofl :aok
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Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?
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Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?
they involve jews... :bolt:
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they involve jews... :bolt:
Oh vey...
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What's round and sticky???
A stick :rofl
okay
what's a frogs favorite article of clothing?
A jump suit! :)
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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.
The two sat sipping in silence. *
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.
St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafe and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's your typical politician's, we decided to use them as fans."
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THat's a good dolbs :rofl
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a woman goes in to see doctor, she's in distress because it has been a long time since she was with a man.
in the examination room, an old asian doctor walks in and asks, "what can i hep you wit today mees?"
the woman says, "doctor, i'm really depressed, i haven't been with a man even casually in a very long time and i don't know why. i have tried everything and nothing works. i think there is something wrong with me."
doctor says, "mmm hmm, i see. wer, preez takee offa you crows."
the woman is a bit taken aback and says, "take off what? my clothes? but doctor, what does my problem have to do with me being naked?"
doctor replies, "i wanna examine you body foa see ifa i can find physicar plobrem that wood exprain why you not get a man."
the woman timidly takes her clothes off and stands in front of the doctor. he mumbles to himself and walks around her visually examining every inch of her.
then he says, "preez get ona de froa, ona you hans an knees."
the woman is shocked at the request and asks, "on my hands and knees? why on earth do you want me to do that?"
doctor answers with, "becos i nee to see if you haf plobrem witha you joins. also to see ifa you hafa plobrem ona you behin that i canna see wit you standing."
so the woman timidly gets on the floor on her hands and knees as the doctor requested.
the doctor walks around her, looking at her body and mumbles to himself. after a brief pause he shakes he head and says, "mmm hmm, not good. vely bad. wus case i eva see, wus case."
the woman starts to get worried and looks up at the doctor as he was walks around her shaking his head. she asks, "what? worst case? what's the matter doctor, what is it?"
the doctor replies, "you habbeh ed zachery disease. wus case i ebah see."
now the woman is really worried, "ed zachery disease? is that serious? am i going to die? what is ed zachery disease doctor!!???
the doctor tells her, "you face rook ed zachery likeh you butt..."
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A boy goes to the optometrist to get his eyes examined.
The optometrist tells the boy, "Son, you've got to stop masturbating."
"Why? Am I gonna go blind?"
"No. But it is disturbing the other patients in the waiting room."
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A boy goes to the optometrist to get his eyes examined.
The optometrist tells the boy, "Son, you've got to stop masturbating."
"Why? Am I gonna go blind?"
"No. But it is disturbing the other patients in the waiting room."
:x
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A lady takes her car to a mechanic and he says its gonna take a few hours or so to look at it. "Why don't you go over to the zoo across the street and have a bite to eat etc while I look at your car" he says.
She says "OK" and tours the zoo and has some lunch.
She comes back to the mechanic and he looks at her and says " Looks like you blew a seal"...She wipes her lip and says " Nah...that's mayonnaise"
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Why do you put a baby into a liquidizer feet first?
So you can see the look on it's face.
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ok I will try to be as clean as I can..
Little johnny is sitting in the back of the class when the teacher asks the class to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.
Little Suzy stands up and says " When my daddy goes to the bathroom standing up its because he has to urinate."
Little johnny raises his hand..and the teacher picks little Jimmy "May I go to the bathroom mam?? I need to urinate?"
Little Johnny is getting rabid wanting to answer so the teacher decides to pick him
"ok, Johnny but remember to be nice"
"OK teach.. urinate but with bigger boobs your a ten"
_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ ____________________
How can you tell if a SWIFT driver was at your home when you were gone???
The dog is pregnant, the mailbox is crushed and he used all your preparation H
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What did Roy say to Dale when they came across the road kill in the road??
"you gonna eat that??"
...
Favale says to his wife, "Were you faking it last night?"
She says, "No, I was really asleep."
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A high school couple's in the movies.
The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."
He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."
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Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."
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A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."
LawnDart
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The long-winded English commanding officer addressed his battalion of Highland infantry, the occasion being the Queen's Birthday. He droned on and on... and on. Along last, he wrapped up his speech, declaming in stentorian tones, "...I was born as an Englishman, I serve as an Englishman, and by Heaven I shall die as an Englishman!"
A voice at the back of the hall piped up, "Wass th' matter, mon? Ha' ye no ambition?"
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A Silicon Valley IT pro got tired of the rat race and moved to the mountains. After having happily lived there all alone for half a year in perfect harmony with himself and the surrounding nature, he suddenly one day hears somebody knocking on his door. It was a backwoods hillbilly, introducing himself as the neighbour from a couple of miles away and asked if he'd like to join a neighbourhood party in the evening. Well, why not, some social life after half a year would be nice... So he accepted the invitation.
"Oh, before I leave, I must warn you there'll be heavy drinking during the night." Well, okay, been practising boozing for twenty or so years, can drink anyone under the table, no problem with that.
"Oh, I must tell that folks might get aggressive when drunk..." Nah, always been good with every kind of people in various moods, no problem, will join the party.
"Oh, just one thing before I leave: Later during them parties people most likely have rough sex..." Oh, that'd do no harm after half a year of celibacy. See ya in the evening!
Oh, there's one question though: What to wear?
"Anything you like, it's just the two of us."
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why was Cinderella thrown out of the toy box?
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... she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!!!! Lie to me!!!"
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"Anything you like, it's just the two of us."
:uhoh :pray :devil :bolt:
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Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?
Oh, OK.
Will limit it to first page of my collection:
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
- oldman
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and likes me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, he walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
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LOL gonna tell this to my wife...
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Lawyers jokes are getting so old... In all honesty, it's only 99.9% of lawyers who are giving a bad reputation to the rest.
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A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
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Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
The captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
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A Lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a fighter pilot standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the fighter pilot calmly stated --
'You must be single.'
The lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the fighter jock to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said -- 'Yes you are correct.
But how on earth did you know that?'
The fighter pilot replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
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(http://jokerswildonline.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/redneck-vasectomy.jpg)
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
:rofl
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Lawyers jokes are getting so old... In all honesty, it's only 99.9% of lawyers who are giving a bad reputation to the rest.
but why take a chance, kill them all :uhoh.
semp
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What do you call a lawyer buried up to his/her neck?
An unfinished job. :confused:
There's some great jokes here thus far!
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The Chemist looked up as the door to Ye Olde Apothecary of Edinburgh swung open to admit a Private of a Highland regiment, replete in his formal soldier's uniform: a standard-issue kilt. The young man sidled up to the counter, and after fumbling in his sporran, held aloft a tattered-looking rubber prophylactic device.
"Sirrr, hoo much would ye' charrrge to rrreplace this, please?"
Pointing at the family planning display behind him, the Chemist replied, "Thrrree pence, laddie."
The Private furrowed his brow for a moment, then asked, "An' hoo much would ye' charrrge forrr a rrrepair?"
The Chemist smiled. "Och, tha' would only cost ye' tuppence." After taking this in, the Private thanked the Chemist and left.
About an hour later, the Private returned. He marched directly to the Chemist and said, "Sirrr, the rrregiment voted to have it rrrepaired!"
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The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a cent to charity.
Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?”
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that
are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”
“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
“Thirdly, “the lawyer said, “did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the
burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
And then the lawyer said, “So, if I don’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
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One silent evening the bus was all empty, until at one stop a nun stepped in. Sitting near the driver, the nun starts to tell: "I'll be dying soon, nothing contagious, cancer, you know... Well, thing is, as you might suggest, I've never been with a man and I'd very much like to know what it'd be like before I die. I'd have to retain my virginity for our Saviour, though, so it should be done the back door way, if you know what I mean. The problem is, I'd have to find an honest single male to fulfill my wish and I don't know any..."
The driver took a look at his watch and said, "Actually, I'm single and this is my last drive for tonight. I'm ahead of schedule because there's been no stops for passengers, so we might park somewhere for the time needed, if I qualify to you."
Said and done, the affair was over after some passionate moments. While the two were straightening their outfits, the bus driver got filled with remorse and confessed that he let the opportunity seduce him and that he actually had a wife and a couple of kids.
"Don't worry, in reality I'm not a nun. My name's George and I'm on my way to a masquarade party."
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LOL good stuff guys keep it coming :D
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My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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A little boy with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate for Halloween.
At the first house a woman opens the door, and the boy says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"
The woman looks at him and says, "My, aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"
The boy gets angry: "On the side of my buckin head, you buckin idiot."
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Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written
on it," she replies
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the
hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
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Are limerick's ok?
There was a young man from St. Clair.
Who was banging his wife on the stair.
The banister broke, so he doubled his stroke.
And finished her off in mid-air. :bolt:
:bolt: Oz
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A woman was just leading her lover to bed when they hear the husband coming home earlier than expected. The lover grabs his clothes and hides in the wardrobe while the woman in her morning gown welcomes her husband, explaining she'd had a headache all day.
Meanwhile the lover, standing naked in the wardrobe, heard a young silent voice beneath him:
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..." It was the son of the couple, having been spying on his mother and her lover. "I've got a baseball in my hand, it'll cost you $250."
"$250??? That's ridiculous! You can keep your ball."
"Well then, that's my dad outside this wardrobe and he's quite big and strong. What do you think would happen if I yelled I'm in the wardrobe with a naked man?"
How could the lover refuse...
Some weeks later the lover found himself again in the wardrobe.
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."
"I've got a baseball mitt that'll cost you $500." Deal closed
Again a month later the unfortunate lover was standing naked in the wardrobe.
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."
"You know, I've got a baseball bat. It's yours for $750." Sold.
One Friday the husband came at noon and gladly announced that he had earned the rest of the day off. So he thought some father and son quality time would be nice, asking if the boy would like to play some ball with him. To his surprise the answer was no, due to lacking equipment.
"How come, didn't you just get a ball, a mitt and a bat for your birthday this spring?"
"Yes, but I sold them for $1500."
"$1500??? That's too thick! Haven't I told you not to lie?" But the kid stuck to his words no matter how the father raged, so finally, being Catholic, he decided to take his son to church for confession. Maybe that'd teach him not to lie.
In the church the father pushes the boy into the confessional and slams the door. The boy looks around and says:
"Gee, but it's quite dark in here..."
"Oh no, not again!!!"
-
:rofl :rofl Bizman!
-
- Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.
-The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
-
- Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.
-The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
:rofl :rofl
I know the same joke but its the "ol man" in Vietnam :rofl
-
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at an American university:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - (last name deleted) and Gary - (last name deleted).
--------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
---------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
-------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of the sky!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F****ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an
air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
a***ole.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
b...ch.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
w*nk*r.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat sh+t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f***ed.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink tea - slut.
--------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
-
A man is walking on the street when an ultimately gorgeous beauty passes by, bearing the most perfect pair of boobs. He stares at her for a moment and then asks: "Would you let me bite your boobs for $100?" "Are you crazy?" asks the woman and walks away.
The man runs around the corner to meet her again, asking if she allowed him to bite her boobs for $1000. "Now listen, mister, I'm not that kind of a woman!"
The man refuses to give up and runs and catches the woman in the next corner. "Please, let me bite your boobs once, for $10000"
"Well, now, ten thousand is quite a lot of money... Alright, but not here, let's go the dark alley over there."
They walk down the alley a bit, the woman undresses her shirt and reveals the most perfect pair of boobs. The man immediately grabs them, fondles them slowly, rubs them, kisses and licks them, buries his face between them but doesn't bite.
Finally the woman gets tired of it and asks: "Are you going to bite them or aren't you?"
"Nah, too expensive..."
-
A man is walking on the street when an ultimately gorgeous beauty passes by, bearing the most perfect pair of boobs. He stares at her for a moment and then asks: "Would you let me bite your boobs for $100?" "Are you crazy?" asks the woman and walks away.
The man runs around the corner to meet her again, asking if she allowed him to bite her boobs for $1000. "Now listen, mister, I'm not that kind of a woman!"
The man refuses to give up and runs and catches the woman in the next corner. "Please, let me bite your boobs once, for $10000"
"Well, now, ten thousand is quite a lot of money... Alright, but not here, let's go the dark alley over there."
They walk down the alley a bit, the woman undresses her shirt and reveals the most perfect pair of boobs. The man immediately grabs them, fondles them slowly, rubs them, kisses and licks them, buries his face between them but doesn't bite.
Finally the woman gets tired of it and asks: "Are you going to bite them or aren't you?"
"Nah, too expensive..."
:rofl :rofl :rofl
-
A man is walking on the street when an ultimately gorgeous beauty passes by, bearing the most perfect pair of boobs. He stares at her for a moment and then asks: "Would you let me bite your boobs for $100?" "Are you crazy?" asks the woman and walks away.
The man runs around the corner to meet her again, asking if she allowed him to bite her boobs for $1000. "Now listen, mister, I'm not that kind of a woman!"
The man refuses to give up and runs and catches the woman in the next corner. "Please, let me bite your boobs once, for $10000"
"Well, now, ten thousand is quite a lot of money... Alright, but not here, let's go the dark alley over there."
They walk down the alley a bit, the woman undresses her shirt and reveals the most perfect pair of boobs. The man immediately grabs them, fondles them slowly, rubs them, kisses and licks them, buries his face between them but doesn't bite.
Finally the woman gets tired of it and asks: "Are you going to bite them or aren't you?"
"Nah, too expensive..."
Good one! And there's a moral to the story too.
-
John Reilly, a young man studying in University College Dublin, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Frank... there's that f$&£ng idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
-
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at an American university:
[snip]
:rofl
-
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect
-
:rofl :rofl :rofl
-
One more, then I'll stop.
- oldman
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I noticed was my pen+s trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of sh+t lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together.
It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.
But Dad always had those piece of sh+t chargers made by International
or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh
God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
I woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumb+tch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7 - My gonads are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
-
Gotta add my dad's favourite:
Three men were having an appointment with St. Peter at the Golden Gates of Heaven, expecting to be evaluated and let in. St. Peter looked and them sharply and finally said: "I know what you've done and what you haven't, so don't even try to lie to me. My only question is, what have you done with your male organ during your lifetime?"
The first man looked bashfully around and finally said: "Well, I was a Catholic padre for all my life, having dedicated my life in serving the Lord, engaged to celibacy. I found my calling already as a boy, finding the strict way of life quite rewarding in a way. Unlike too many of my colleagues, I didn't mess with the choirboys, either. To answer your question, all my life I've been fighting against my flesh for a higher purpose, meaning I've only used my wiener for peeing."
"Down you go, to the Hell", said St. Peter. "And you?"
"Well, I used to be the mayor of our town, a man of importance and example to others. I aimed my forces into politics at an early age, married when it was suitable and showed having done my share of the marital duties by getting a son. I spent my days in my office and most of my nights at meetings. You can't imagine how much water can a man consume during long speeches! So, suffice to say, I've been using my organ mostly for getting rid of what I've drank."
"Down you go, to the Hell", said St. Peter. "What about you?"
The third man looked into his toes and finally answered: "I must confess that already as a child I noticed my willy could give me pleasure in another way, too, than just relieving me from the urge of a leak. After a rather baffling revelation my babysitter taught me how to share this pleasure with the opposing sex, a lesson which I immediately implemented. After school I got a job as a travelling salesman, which gave me even more opportunities to spread pleasure with my wand of joy. To make a long story short, aside from the obligatory working, eating and sleeping and, I've been copulating with old, young, rich, poor, anyone willing to share a passionate moment, urinating only when necessary."
"Welcome to Heaven, my son!" said St. Peter and opened the Golden Gate.
"Hey, come on, how come this potatomonger goes to Heaven and we two highly exemplary men are doomed to Hell?" asked the two others.
"Gentlemen", answered St. Peter, "this is Heaven, not a Toilet!"
-
There are only two difficult things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming issues, and off-by-one errors.
(adapted from the Reddit joke thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know (http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know) )