Author Topic: Joke thread  (Read 2260 times)

Offline MrRiplEy[H]

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Joke thread
« on: May 27, 2013, 12:41:39 PM »
Allright, another thread got me thinking a joke thread might be fun. Especially nasty jokes (forum rules permitting naturally).

I'll start off with one:

An obese man went to the doctor. The doctor said the man has a maximum of 2 years to live unless he loses some weight. Actually a lot of weight.

So the man starts a diet. He exercices. He takes hot sauna to sweat weight off. After two years he's still alive and over 100kg lighter than before. He visits the doctor again.

"Hi doctor, do you recognize me?" The doctor is baffled to hear about his achievement. "There's one problem though, now that I've lost weight I have all this excess skin...".

The doctor says it's no problem, a quick surgery will fix the problem. The doctor explained to the man that all they'll need to do is just pull all the loose skin upwards, cut the excess off and sow it all back in - a bit like pulling up your loose pants.

The man is excited and they agree to go through the operation. After the operation the man looks at the results from the mirror and couldn't be happier.. All the loose skin is gone and finally he can put some loose clothes on - even dare to travel in a public bus.

The man enters the bus smiling to himself and stands in the crowded bus when someone knocks his shoulder...

"Excuse me, Sir, you may want to put a scarf on - we can see your rectum."
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Offline DubiousKB

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2013, 01:02:12 PM »
A wealthy older lady goes to the plastic surgeon and asks timidly about a procedure to make her lady parts appear younger for her new rich husband.

Now this woman had been a regular to the plastic surgery clinic so the doctor happily took her in. Before the surgery took place the older woman made it very clear that she was embarrassed about this particular procedure so she asked the doctor to keep it very quiet.  

After the successful surgery, the older woman awakes in her recovery room to see three different sets of flowers. Quickly the older woman becomes enraged and demands an audience with the doctor.

The doctor arrives to speak with the old Lady:

Old Lady: I told you not to tell anyone about this procedure, why the hell are their flowers in my room!?

Doctor: Well Mrs. Belle, you've been such a wonderful patient over the years that my staff purchased the first set of flowers to show you their appreciation. And the second set of flowers was from me. Again, Mrs. Belle, you have been a patient of mine for some time now and I felt it necassary to show you my gratitude is all...

Old Lady: OH!? Well in that case, thank you!..... But what about the third one? Who did they come from!?

Doctor: Right, those are from the burn victim downstairs thanking you for his new ears.....

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Offline MrRiplEy[H]

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2013, 01:13:52 PM »
A man with a high pitched voice (a typical squeaker) gets tired to his voice and goes to visit the doctor.

"Doctor, is there anything you can do about my voice? I wan't a manly low voice - much like yours!".

The doctor thinks for a while, then orders a bunch of tests.

After a week he comes up with a conclusion:

"I've found out the cause of your high pitched voice. You have a very large noodle and the weight of it is putting excess strain on your neck and your vocal chords."

"Well that is true, but what can we do about it?" asks the patient. The doctor thinks for a while, then he concludes that basically his only option would be to have a size reduction operation.

The patient is torn between choices, he can't find women because of his boyish voice but on the other hand he doesn't want to lose his assets either. In the end he makes the difficult decision to go on with the reduction surgery.

The surgery is performed, the man wakes up from the anesthesia and is happy to realize his voice is now low and manly - pretty much like the doctors - just as he was hoping. He goes out to a bar with a new found confidence and picks up a gorgeous woman. Things lead to another and they fall passionately in love. But there is just one problem - she confesses to him that she could never marry him as he can't satisfy her in bed due to his size. Realizing his mistake the man runs back to the doctors office and storms through the door...

"Doctor! I've made a horrible mistake! I need the operation to be reversed!"

"I'm sorry but that's just not possible anymore" the doctor says in a tense, high pitched voice.
Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone

Offline Zacherof

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2013, 01:17:32 PM »
 :rofl :aok
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Offline MrRiplEy[H]

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2013, 02:59:09 AM »
Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?
Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone

Offline Zacherof

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2013, 03:02:27 AM »
Come on people, you must know SOME jokes?
they involve jews... :bolt:
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Offline MrRiplEy[H]

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2013, 03:09:39 AM »
Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone

Offline Zacherof

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2013, 03:19:43 AM »
What's round and sticky???













A stick :rofl

okay
what's a frogs favorite article of clothing?





A jump suit! :)
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Offline bigsky

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2013, 08:27:59 AM »
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence. *

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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Offline LCADolby

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2013, 08:34:38 AM »
It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.

St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafe and a huge room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."

The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.

The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's your typical politician's, we decided to use them as fans."
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Offline Zacherof

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2013, 09:10:19 AM »
THat's a good dolbs :rofl
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Offline gyrene81

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2013, 10:08:53 AM »
a woman goes in to see doctor, she's in distress because it has been a long time since she was with a man.
in the examination room, an old asian doctor walks in and asks, "what can i hep you wit today mees?"
the woman says, "doctor, i'm really depressed, i haven't been with a man even casually in a very long time and i don't know why. i have tried everything and nothing works. i think there is something wrong with me."
doctor says, "mmm hmm, i see. wer, preez takee offa you crows."
the woman is a bit taken aback and says, "take off what? my clothes? but doctor, what does my problem have to do with me being naked?"
doctor replies, "i wanna examine you body foa see ifa i can find physicar plobrem that wood exprain why you not get a man."
the woman timidly takes her clothes off and stands in front of the doctor. he mumbles to himself and walks around her visually examining every inch of her.
then he says, "preez get ona de froa, ona you hans an knees."
the woman is shocked at the request and asks, "on my hands and knees? why on earth do you want me to do that?"
doctor answers with, "becos i nee to see if you haf plobrem witha you joins. also to see ifa you hafa plobrem ona you behin that i canna see wit you standing."
so the woman timidly gets on the floor on her hands and knees as the doctor requested.
the doctor walks around her, looking at her body and mumbles to himself. after a brief pause he shakes he head and says, "mmm hmm, not good. vely bad. wus case i eva see, wus case."
the woman starts to get worried and looks up at the doctor as he was walks around her shaking his head. she asks, "what? worst case? what's the matter doctor, what is it?"
the doctor replies, "you habbeh ed zachery disease. wus case i ebah see."
now the woman is really worried, "ed zachery disease? is that serious? am i going to die? what is ed zachery disease doctor!!???

the doctor tells her, "you face rook ed zachery likeh you butt..."
jarhed  
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Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Terry Pratchett

Offline Devil 505

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2013, 12:25:41 PM »
A boy goes to the optometrist to get his eyes examined.

The optometrist tells the boy, "Son, you've got to stop masturbating."

"Why? Am I gonna go blind?"

"No. But it is disturbing the other patients in the waiting room."
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Offline DubiousKB

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2013, 12:26:24 PM »
A boy goes to the optometrist to get his eyes examined.

The optometrist tells the boy, "Son, you've got to stop masturbating."

"Why? Am I gonna go blind?"

"No. But it is disturbing the other patients in the waiting room."


 :x
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Offline Fud

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2013, 01:32:06 PM »
A lady takes her car to a mechanic and he says its gonna take a few hours or so to look at it. "Why don't you go over to the zoo across the street and have a bite to eat etc while I look at your car" he says.
She says "OK" and tours the zoo and has some lunch.
She comes back to the mechanic and he looks at her and says " Looks like you blew a seal"...She wipes her lip and says " Nah...that's mayonnaise"
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