Author Topic: Defense Mechanisms (Read 1013 times)

Gunslinger · « **on:** May 15, 2007, 06:53:32 PM »

So I realized today I don't have a certain defense mechanism. That would be one for my heart being broken. I absolutly do not know how to deal with it. To make matters worse I am supressing it and wanting to go back to work as I have two weeks off. The only other defense I have I KNOW will not last and that is to consume mass quantities of alcohol. It's only worked a little so far.

Mrs. Gunslinger informed me today that after 5 years of marriage she has found another and moved one. She didn't "mean for this to happen" it just did. I am moving out of our house one way or another June 15th and have no clue what to do with myself. Everything I've ever done for the last 5 years has allways been for "them" (by them I mean my wife and kid and stepdaughter that I love as my own).

I seriously don't know how to deal with this. There is nothing in my inventory that is registering as it's been a LONG LONG time since I've had my heart stepped on like this. My life thus far has allways involved a manual to deal with contingencies and there is none that I can see when it comes to this. My life thus far as allways been about "them." I don't make any decisions without thinking about them.

I havn't even gotten to the house that we've both owned for a year now and the fact that the housing market sucks ass. I know a few guys that are looking for roomates but she seriously thinks that she can pay the bills once I'm gone working as a full time bartender.

On the positive I'm only 29 (30 in june) So it's not like i'm not marketable but seriously, I don't want to date. I don't want those constant insecurities in life. This just really sucks and I have no way of dealing with it........

Odee · « **Reply #1 on:** May 15, 2007, 07:04:05 PM »

Better to find out now, than when you're in your 50's.

Good luck on the mend.

~~*coming up on 30 years married in August. Takes commited work on both sides, and a lot of "Yes dear you're right" from me.*~~

lasersailor184 · « **Reply #2 on:** May 15, 2007, 07:07:34 PM »

If I can offer any advice from my father's marriage/divorce, it would be this: No matter what happens, don't move out until you are divorced. The act of "Moving Out" even in a trial separation is a major holding piece on which you will get screwed out of everything for "Abandoning the Family."

GtoRA2 · « **Reply #3 on:** May 15, 2007, 07:13:17 PM »

Guns
Don't do the booze. Find something to take your mind off it.

Call up old buddies or work budies and go do stuff.

Time is what you need.

Dago · « **Reply #4 on:** May 15, 2007, 08:07:15 PM »

I can't find words to express my sympathies for your pain. Please just remember, better days always follow the sad times, and you will smile, laugh and love again.

Sikboy · « **Reply #5 on:** May 15, 2007, 08:22:46 PM »

I don't imagine it's ever good advice to send someone out on a Bender, but really... get a friend and a bottle. Tomorrow morning perhaps you'll be so worried about whether or not your going to actually die, that you may momentarily forget about your broken heart. Though, it'll be waiting for you once the vomiting stops.

And for god's sake, don't do it alone.

-Sik

Gunthr · « **Reply #6 on:** May 15, 2007, 09:48:25 PM »

if you aren't an alcoholic Gunslinger, maybe go on one bender if you think it will help you get your feelings out, but put the bottle away after that, it will only compound your problems. stay out of trouble.

don't worry about your defense mechanism, worry about your kid's. actually, you ARE your kid's defense mechanism - that is your job - so hang on to your dignity and self respect so your kid can see what a father is.

get a lawyer immediately, good luck and best wishes.

Charon · « **Reply #7 on:** May 15, 2007, 10:17:05 PM »

I really don't know what to say man. Wish I did. Your child is obviously the priority now, and yourself. I have friends that have gone through a divorce and from what I've seen try to keep it cool, but be aware you have rights in all of this and you have to be focused on those as of today, as hard as it may be. You have to stay even with or be ahead of the curve as this rolls down hill. Lawyer up. Focus on the mission.

Charon

Sandman · « **Reply #8 on:** May 15, 2007, 10:24:04 PM »

Damn... I don't know what to say... My parents divorced when I was 18 after being married for 19 years. I've been married for 24.

I think Laser is right. Don't do ANYTHING until you speak to a lawyer. Don't move. Don't concede anything. You must go into asset protection mode.

I'm not sure how the laws work in Texas, but in California with children involved, you go to court to limit the financial damage. As a male, you can't win.

Consider yourself financially under siege. Control the damage.

I think your kids are young, so I don't think they'll feel betrayal, but they fear abandonment. I can say at 18, my father and I were rather estranged until I was over 20. I was pissed off at him. Different situation so not relevant.

Your children love you. They will no matter what happens.

Sixpence · « **Reply #9 on:** May 15, 2007, 11:07:02 PM »

They give good advice, talk to a lawyer before you do anything. I know it sucks and it hurts, but there are kids involved and you have to suck it up and do what you gotta do. You can drown your sorrows another time

sgt203 · « **Reply #10 on:** May 16, 2007, 04:51:34 AM »

Been there..... It hurts for a while bro and nothing not even a long bender can stop that from happening..

My son was two when me and my wife split up and what I focused on was simple "he is my son and always will be"..

I spent every minute I could with him and that should be your focus.. this is not about you, or your wife this is about your children... You will repair, revive and overcome.. The transition for children is much harder they are not as adaptable.. So focus yourselves on what is best for the children..

However as pointed out you have a serious financial issue at this point that you need to consider. I know at this point you could probably care less as this is not your focus but you have to keep this in mind.. Spousal support and child support can be financially devastating to you for many years to come up to and through college.. Get yourself some legal representation or at least advise ASAP.. Call an attorney NOW!!!.

I will not sugar coat this for you at all brother this is going to suck and will be the hardest thing you have ever dealt with.. BUT although you may not be able to see even a small pinsalamander of light there is light at the end of this tunnel.. You will get there and you will be OK in the end.

I wish you the best and nows the time to show you are a parent and not just a father.. BE strong if not for you for your little ones..

P.S. As hard as this may be try and not fight in front of the kids especially where there are accusations of blame "this is your fault you are the one who...." This can and probably will remain imbedded in the minds of your children and can, and quite possibly will, cause resentment towards one particular parent..

Best Wishes..

Viking · « **Reply #11 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:00:31 AM »

That sux real hard Gunslinger.

AWMac · « **Reply #12 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:31:53 AM »

Guns hang tough Bro.

Don't let self pity over rule. The children are a focus point for you. She left you for another is a sign of a ruthless woman hellbent on making you crumble. Don't give her the benifit of her seeing you crushed.
It may be the BIG SUX now, but in the long run years from now it will be better. No matter what happens stay close to the children. Never bad mouth the EX infront of them. Just be the loving and caring Father.
If she left you for another, she'll do it to the next. You'll find someone better and more deserving.

Mac

"No matter how good she looks or how fun she may seem to be, some guy somewhere is tired of her chit."

Maverick · « **Reply #13 on:** May 16, 2007, 07:52:05 AM »

What Sandy said. Now is NOT the time to get on a bender, it can and likely will be used against you.

You have kids and property and a PENSION. Property can be divided, the kids can't. You need competant legal advice then FOLLOW IT!!!!! If you want to retire and be able to live or enjoy your pension you need to work to protect it NOW!!! Get the Lawyer ASAP.

Cancel EVERY credit card you both have, NOW today. Sign up for your own bank account and have your check direct deposited to it ASAP. Lock every joint account you have and pull your half of savings now or it will be gone. Remember your wife has had this on her mind for some time so she may have already taken steps to clean you out. She wants out so tell her she can leave, but the kids stay. GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!!!

You are in for a big fight if you want to maintain a relationship with your kids. The kids are now your #1 priority to protect what you have wth them and to maintain contact.

FWIW, the pain will ease, it will take time. Later on, should you do things right, you may find that this was a big boost to the rest of your life. There is life after divorce.

PM me if you need to talk.

lazs2 · « **Reply #14 on:** May 16, 2007, 08:23:59 AM »

I am a veteran of these things and all I can tell you is that it will get better till one day you realize how lucky you are to be rid of her.

Until then... it is painful.. I feel for ya but you need to go through it. You will be stronger next time.

Try and get things split fairly now while she is feeling guilty and try to get everything settled without a lawyer.

Oh... it is as least twice as hard to deal with if you have kids.

lazs