Author Topic: Defense Mechanisms (Read 1015 times)

Hornet33 · « **Reply #15 on:** May 16, 2007, 09:14:37 AM »

Man I feel your pain. I went through almost the same thing last year. Although mine didn't leave me for someone else, she still decided it was time for me to go after 12 years. It was like getting shot in the guts.

The only advice I can give you is this. Get a lawyer before you do anything else and get some sound legal advice. Concentrate on your kids and be there for them as much as possible. Don't discuss anything with your wife if the kids are around, and go find a counselor to sit down and talk with.

Talking to your friends is fine but a counselor is going to be more prepared to deal with the emontional issues your going to be facing. It sucks but if I hadn't sought counseling after my wife and I seperated I don't know what would have happened. I probably would have gone off the deep end.

There are allot of resorces you can tap into for help. Don't try to be "the man" and handle all this on your own. It's way to easy to end up doing something stupid that will come back to bite you if you try to go it alone.

Last of all, stay out of the bottle. That's an easy trap to fall into. I know because I did it and I almost screwed myself because of it. Go to the gym instead. Dealing with the anger is going to be tough but it's better to beat the crap out of a punching bag in a gym than getting drunk and putting your fist through a wall, or worse, someones face.

I wish you the best of luck. It's a crappy hand you've been dealt but get the help you need, stay close to your kids, family, and freinds and you'll be OK.

FiLtH · « **Reply #16 on:** May 16, 2007, 09:21:18 AM »

Hang in there man. Its tough, but things will get better. Who knows, in a couple months you may find its the best thing that could have happened.

straffo · « **Reply #17 on:** May 16, 2007, 09:24:02 AM »

1- don't get drunk open a book instead
2- don't move
3- be perfect, all will be potentially used against you
3- get a lawyer

good luck

Gunslinger · « **Reply #18 on:** May 16, 2007, 12:07:34 PM »

I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.

I am moving out next month one way or another. We've verbally decided what bills each is taking and I told her we should get it in writing.

I called a realter and he said it would not be worth it to sell the house or refinaince it as there is very little equity in it.

She's "moved on" I need to as well. I went on a little bender last night but woke up this morning and went on a 4 mile run before going to my 1st Sgt and supervisor and keep them in the loop.

Then I went and talked to a shrink and she helped give me some good advice. Everyone I know is telling me to go into self preservation mode.

I'm opening up a new checking account today and told her we will keep the joint one because it is attached to the mortgage. I just got done changing my passwords on a bunch of other stuff as well.

She wants me out and I am miserable being around her.

We dont even get to have break up sex

Sixpence · « **Reply #19 on:** May 16, 2007, 12:58:07 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.

You can't afford not to have one, it doesn't cost much if anything just to explain your situation and ask how much

Furball · « **Reply #20 on:** May 16, 2007, 01:00:52 PM »

Sorry Gunslinger, chin up, i am sure everything will work out well in the long run

storch · « **Reply #21 on:** May 16, 2007, 02:13:38 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.

I am moving out next month one way or another. We've verbally decided what bills each is taking and I told her we should get it in writing.

I called a realter and he said it would not be worth it to sell the house or refinaince it as there is very little equity in it.

She's "moved on" I need to as well. I went on a little bender last night but woke up this morning and went on a 4 mile run before going to my 1st Sgt and supervisor and keep them in the loop.

Then I went and talked to a shrink and she helped give me some good advice. Everyone I know is telling me to go into self preservation mode.

I'm opening up a new checking account today and told her we will keep the joint one because it is attached to the mortgage. I just got done changing my passwords on a bunch of other stuff as well.

She wants me out and I am miserable being around her.

We dont even get to have break up sex

I've never been divorced but a cousin of mine went through something similar to what you describe. she went and got a lawyer, he thought he couldn't afford one. they had one child together and she had two in tow from her previous victory over some other poor working guy. today she gets better than 50% of his salary and he lives in a beer can on some trailer park place that is so third world like it's amazing. between what she gets in child support from the first dude and alimony plus child support from my cousin she doesn't work. I don't believe you cannot afford not to get a lawyer. you may be forced to maintain her at her current lifestyle which means you can't afford to find the next one who might be the one. get a lawyer son, it's the most effective way out of or around the forthcoming problem.

eagl · « **Reply #22 on:** May 16, 2007, 03:43:44 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Gunslinger
I hear everyone saying get a lawyer but neither one of us can afford a lawyer.

Guns,

Get some time off work and go see the base legal folks. You can't afford NOT to get a lawyer. No shxt you really need legal protection. If she's the kind of person who would f**k someone behind your back and then leave you, she's the kind of person who would take advice from the rat bastard she was f**king and take the kids, the house, and all the money.

Do NOT "agree" to ANYTHING. Seriously. She lied to you and is already stealing your life, so you can NOT trust her about ANYTHING. As others have said, anything you say or do will be used against you (remember, no matter what she says NOW, she already lied to you for who knows how long so she's pretty used to telling you lies by now) so you need legal advice and you should not make any kind of agreements with her.

Someone else is pulling her strings (both mental and emotional) now and it's not you, and she has demonstrated that you can not trust anything she says or does. It sucks to find out that you can't trust someone you've loved for so long, but that's how it is when your wife cheats on you and then ditches you. She is no longer anything but a potential threat because she already has no real consideration or feelings for you.

I've seen it before a dozen times with other friends... Take my advice, get a lawyer, and do not agree to anything until after you talk to a divorce lawyer.

eagl · « **Reply #23 on:** May 16, 2007, 03:52:20 PM »

BTW, if my wife was f**king someone behind my back, she would be the one moving out. Nobody betrays me and then kicks me out of the house. If she's so hot for some other dude, then SHE can be the one who moves out.

Seriously, if she doesn't want to be around you then make her leave. Why do you have to be the one to move? Why do you give a rats bellybutton about whether she wants you around or not? She's the one who's leaving you, so let her be the one to leave the house. Her forcing you to move out is just her manipulating you into leaving her, so she can justify the breakup in her mind as something that YOU wanted.

I'm not kidding dude. It's your house too, and you have every legal, logical, and emotional right to stay there. She's the betrayer so she should be the one who gets out. If she doesn't want to uproot the kids, they can stay, but she really should be the one who leaves. Don't let her BS you about the welfare of the kids. She already demonstrated she doesn't give a damn about you or the kids, and she's just using that excuse to get a free house. Make her be the one to make the decision.

No kidding, I don't think you should leave. If she wants to leave, fine, but don't let some cheating potato kick you out of your house just because she decided she likes someone else better than you. That's not your problem, it's hers, so let her deal with it.

Thrawn · « **Reply #24 on:** May 16, 2007, 04:01:56 PM »

Guns, my deepest sympathies are with you man, but I have to totally agree with eagl here...

Quote

Originally posted by eagl
BTW, if my wife was f**king someone behind my back, she would be the one moving out. Nobody betrays me and then kicks me out of the house. If she's so hot for some other dude, then SHE can be the one who moves out.

...it sounds like your wife is the one that wants to break up family. She wants to "move on" then she can move the heck on.

Do not agree to anything, you need someone to look out for you your best interests. If you can't afford a lawyer, get a loan, it you can't get a loan, talk to kin or a personal friend.

Toad · « **Reply #25 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:20:24 PM »

Yeah, Guns; it's tough to accept but Eagle is spot on.

Help her pack and call her a taxi. You'll be glad you did, eventually.

kamilyun · « **Reply #26 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:43:26 PM »

Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.

You don't have to go to court, you can settle with an arbitrator. But you ABSOLUTELY need to have someone looking over your shoulder giving sound legal advice. You might think you can't afford one now, but you will probably be getting one in the future anyway, and this will be after you've lost ground/legal rights/etc. Just a few hundred $$ to have your property, future salary and your relationship with the kids protected for life.

Don't really want to go into the details on my experiences with this, but what starts out as "let's just settle this between us" can go ugly fast.

Edit: Sorry to keep harping on this, but...don't let your feelings for her and your memory of the relationship get in the way of protecting yourself. It's not being mean or cold-hearted to get a lawyer and define what's yours and what's hers. Document EVERYTHING. If you have access to a photocopier, start copying checks you pay for bills/groceries/kids etc.

Sorry for the loss. Don't worry about finding someone new...it'll just happen.

Gunslinger · « **Reply #27 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:48:06 PM »

I beleive her when she says she didn't sleep with the guy. I laid the guilt trip on thick when I explained that she violated her wedding vows by at least opening her heart up to him. Even one of her best friends told me today that you don't "move on" before you end it.

The house.....has zero equity in it....what do I need it for as I can't take care of it nore can I be a parent to my kids with my current job. My kids need this house more than I do.

The divorce and everything we've agreed on is pretty much uncontested. I'm going to write up the decree myself with the help of a friend.

I don't think we are even thinking about the actual divorce right now as I just want out of here. It hurts to be around her and I need my space. I opened up a new checking account today and switched my direct deposit. As of July 1st the house bills are hers, I'm taking most of "My debt" (IE stuff that I brought into the relationship or mostly used myself) It really is time to move on. Other than that she has been forewarned that if she doesn't switch her bills over to her name in june they will be cancled.

In liu of Financial support I am making HER car payment and paying insurance. This I will get in writing and keep the checks every month.

My current grieving state is: Anger

Time to go wash the jeep....again

What's funny is even if she wanted the Jeep under texas laws I bought it before we were married and it's not "comunal property" Time to go be angry.

Shamus · « **Reply #28 on:** May 16, 2007, 05:56:55 PM »

Guns, think about this...how would you like to pay for the house untill the kids reach age 18 while she lives in it?

I have seen this type of thing happen over and over, dont be penny wise and pound foolish, get a lawyer.

shamus

RedTop · « **Reply #29 on:** May 16, 2007, 06:00:43 PM »

Walk over to her...lightly touch her shoulder....lean in...and whisper in her ear..............Go to he11 you 2 timing sorry POS........I'll see you in court.

Made me feel ALOT better.

Author Topic: Defense Mechanisms (Read 1015 times)

storch