I am glad you bring this post about, because now i have more opportunity to do my job,
first let me tell you a little of my back ground, so you can see through my eyes. im sorry if this is long but bear with me.
i was born 38 years ago, when i was around 4 months old my "mom" took me to her friends house, to have her watch me, well she never came back, at the time my dad was in Vietnam,
any ways, i was about 4 years old when my dad meets a new girl, (she herself was just a kid), but she was not very nice to me she would call me " a piece of sh*t " "f@$king loser " "a nobody " all kinds of crap every day, so i started to stay out late, once i hit 7 years old my "dad" would flip out on me, he started by punishing me by having me kneel on rice or corn and hold out books in my out stretched arms, needless to say that i wasn't happy so i would just not come home, especially once he started punching me, near were i lived was a parking garage, at 7/8 years old i would sleep in there with the bums, i slept all over first it was cars but i always would get caught, in 1979, just 10 years after i was born i was arrested for the first time, for runaway, they just brought me back home. i would take the beating, and run away again.(one of these times i ran i had a man pick me up and bring me to his house tried to rape me had my pants down but this time i ran away from him)in 1980 my only older brother died, he fell of a bridge, he was truly the only one that loved me and treated me good. so in 1981 they sent me to a place called YDC ( youth development center) i was the youngest kid there, they would try to send me back home but dad never changed, in 1983 i was committed there till i was 18, i am not going to get into what happened to me while i was young there, but if you use your mind im sure you can figure out what a bunch of 15 to 17 year old kids did to an 11 to 13 year old, no where to run when your locked up!
well if you can imagine what my mind was like i hated, i do mean i HATED. so i started to work out, use my feet, by the time i was 15, i could curl 120 pounds, bench press 225, and do a perfect split,actually with my back against the wall i could lift my foot and touch the wall behind me. so hear i am 15, 16, still locked up with an immeasurable amount of hate inside me. i fought every day, any body who tried to mess with me i put them down, hard and fast, and vicious.i couldn't be hurt any more , my dad punching me in the face made it imposable to hurt me by punching me. to say i hated God is an understatement.
so at 17 i robbed a homosexual and of course because of my extensive time in YDC they said i was a career criminal and sent me to prison, well i will admit i was a little scared, but i just let go of my hatred and became what this world and GOD wanted me to be, i was not a nice person, within my first week i was earning money by knocking people out, i was a crazy out of control convict, i maxed my bid out, i did over a hundred days in the hole and over a year in maximum security
so four days before my 22 birthday i was released, into this world, LOL not a good thing, i hated GOD, i hated people, i hated every thing, but i did love to draw, and became quit good at it, i also picked up tattooing in prison, i went in with none i came out with almost two full sleeves, plus a bunch all over my body.
i started to collect money for a drug dealer, trust me when i say they all paid.
i never got into drugs and only drank for a short time, i became way to violent.
well in 1993 i met this woman named Stacey, we started to date, but i was not very nice, i slept with as many woman as i wanted, doing tattoos i had all kinds of woman who wanted me, plus my personality, my confidence, i was untouchable. Stacey fell in love with me, but i had no idea what love was, so when we fought i would throw her around, hold her down, i never punched her but slap her i did, she would scream at me but that set me off, (all i thought of was my stepmother)
but no matter what i did she stayed with me, so in 1994 our first (of many) child was born, when she came out i cut her umbilical cord, it was at that precise moment i knew i was not a nice person and for the first time i wanted to change. but that was not an easy thing, we still fought constantly, i still cheated on her, i could not change, we had another girl, then another girl, but yet i could not change, i was still fighting all the time, at least trying to, but most people were very afraid of me i was in the city i grew up in so everyone knew who i was, i was, to put it bluntly an prettythanghole, to who ever got in my way. the difference was i did not want to be this way.
well this guy i was tattooing started to talk about God, and his son, i broke down and balled, i cried for the first time since i was 10, i asked his son to become my savior, he gave me a bible and i started to read it as much as i could, i read it every day. you know whats messed up i still couldn't change, i still cheated i still fought with my girlfriend. but i did not stop reading and asking God to help me change, in 1998 Stacey and i got married, soon after my life went down hill we became homeless with our three girls, we lived with out electricity, we fed our girls peanut butter and bread for almost a week, my internal fight was massive,
so one day Stacey and i get into a real bad fight, i almost smash her face against a wall i went into a rage, and once again i was my old self. but this time i thought about God and instead of losing it i picked up the bible i prayed to God i asked him what he felt about my anger, i prayed from deep within my heart, i just opened the bible and started to read, the first line on the left page, said this " these are the things The LORD despises, OUTBURST of anger..." i almost dropped the bible, i felt an overwhelming sensation inside my heart, i couldn't believe it GOD was real and he was telling me he Does NOT like outburst of anger, he showed me the truth. i was overwhelmed.
so i truly gave my self to him, i studied every bible from all different religions, i could not believe what i was discovering, they are all the same, but here and there was some differences, but essentially they are all the same, one thing that kept bothering me was the word LORD, it says that is gods name, but that is not correct, i found out that the scribes at some point took out Gods name and replaced it with Adonai meaning "The Lord", i have found a verse in the old testament that says " you will make people forget my name..."
so i Tattooed on my right hand Gods name in Hebrew, with a human heart behind it with an eye in the heart meaning God is the searcher of hearts.
well about 3 years ago i was working in a Tattoo shop, and in walks three people they are talking in a different language, i knew right away it was Hebrew, i tried to teach my self Hebrew, so i could read the old testament to truly grasp what the words say, so i ask where they were from? they say "we were born and raised in Jerusalem, i instantly show them my right hand and ask them what it was, they say "God", i reply " I know its God but how do you say it?" well they say " we are not supposed to say it," i ask "please tell me " two of them at the same time say Yahaveh, so then i ask them what kind of tattoo are they looking for? they say that they are not looking for a tattoo we just had a feeling that we had to stop.
i also found out that Jesus is not gods sons name, Yeshua, is his given name, it means "Yahavehs Savior"
people blame God for the things they do, God has given us freewill. Yahaveh is there for those that want him.
Yeshua and his father say that if you believe on the son, the light to all men, if you have faith that Yahaveh raised his first begotten son from death, you will have ever lasting life. well i know Yahaveh and Yeshua and i am confident in there ability to forgive my sins.
oh ya Stacey and i are still together we have 6 amazing, smart, beautiful, healthy, children, we have not fought in many years.
yes i still struggle with my past, but i truly know love.
i wish you the best, ask for understanding, read Gods word,talk to your father and his savior because you cant get to the father except through the son, it wont be easy, eternal life is the ultimate goal, but think of that old saying " if it ain't easy, it ain't worth it "
you will lose friends, family,be mocked at, laughed at,cursed at, satan will put you through the ringer, but its all good. and well worth it.
i left many things out of this, certain details that just don't need to be mentioned here, and not one word of this is untrue.
Paul
