joke of the day

[phatzo]

 

[AKKuya]

Back when the Empire State Building was being constructed, three immigrant workers ate their lunch together on the unfinished 46th floor.  One was from Germany.  The second hailed from Japan.  The third was a Pollock.

Each always complained that their wives packed the same meal for them.  "Mein Vife alvays gives me ein Bratwurst vor lunch," complained the German.  The Japanese replied," Sushi ah ho nikaw."  The other two assumed he didn't like Sushi for lunch everyday.  The Pollock stated peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were getting old every day.

Each man made a pact that if the next day at work they were to have the same lunch again that they would all jump from the highest floor to their deaths.

The next day on the highest floor of the building was the meal break.  The German worker opened his pail and found the bratwurst as usual.  He walked over to the edge and jumped forward falling to his death.  The Japanese worker opened his box and saw the Sushi.  He walked to the edge as well and fell to his death.  The Pollock didn't even open his brown sack.  he just walked over to the edge and followed his co-workers to his death.

A week later, the company paid for an expensive funeral for the three workers who died.  The widows sat at the front by the caskets of their husbands.  The caskets were closed so only picturs of the men could be seen.

Later, at the wake following the burials the small groups of workers talked amongst themselves.  One of the widows close enough overheard the conversation.  She picked up enough that the men committed suicide over the lunches.  She grabbed the other two widows and took them to the group of co-workers.

The widows began asking questions.  the co-workers answered them.

The German widow began crying and said," If I knew my Wilheim didn't want Bratwurst every day, I'd made something different for him." She bent down and started crying some more.

The Japanese widow was crying also and saying the same about her husband's lunch.  The two women were completely devasted by the news that their lunches drove the men to suicide.

The widow of the Pollock who was not crying appeared puzzled by this new development.  The men were concerned that she may be in shock.  They asked her why she wasn't crying.

She shook her head and said," That idiot packed HIS lunch everyday."   

[druski85]

I submit the following to the quorum:

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/french-and-irish-fall-out-over-box-incident/

For the record I don't really care about either involved nation, but find the exchange entertaining either way.   

[Belial]

Yeah great another Amish joke. HAHAHA I'll bet all my Amish aunts and uncles and cousins will fall to the ground and pass out from laughing too hard at this joke.

In case you are wondering, a large portion of my family is Amish and my mother was the one who left the religion so I do have some pretty close ties to them.



Hmm from hanover whod of guessed amish




































btw I did not think the joke was all that funny but, if I made you feel bad for 1 second choker then it was worth a good laugh to me.

with Amish heritage it is real easy to get a kick out of things like this.

[phatzo]

An Australian man who was an executive for Honda was invited to go to Japan for a meet and greet with Japanese Honda executives. On the first night there was a lot of drinking and womanising, the Australian had a Japanese girl back at his hotel room making mad passionate love to her as she cried out "Nikki noo, nikki noo". The Australian had assumed that this meant something good and kept at it all night as she kept crying out "nikki noo".
  The next day all the Honda executives had a round of golf togeather in the morning, the Australian walked up to the tee and drove the ball to within three feet of the hole, his Japanese golf partner said "excellent shot". The Australian was impressed with his Japanese collegues grip of the english language. The Japanese executive took his tee shot which resulted in a hole in one, not wanting to look ignorant the Australian used the only Japanese phrase that meant something good, "nikki noo" , to which the Japanese executive turned around and said "What do you mean, wrong hole"
 

[Angus]

Two Aussies were the sole survivors on a lifeboat. It was the Pacific, it was sunny and warm, and they had no water.
A bottle drifted by, and one of them caught it. He pulled the cork out and a Djinni appeared. "I have been in this bottle for 100 years and you have rescued me. I will grant you one wish each"!!!!
Aussie #1 goes "I want a pint of cool Foster's in a glass that never goes empty"
WHAM. He has a pint of Foster's, nice andcool, and gulps and gulps...and the glass is always full.
The Djinni now asks the other one what would be his wish.
"I'll have one as well" was the answer.........

[68ZooM]

I'm thinking theres a stereo-typing of this poor guy named Johnny, lol

[Angus]

Same with the Aussies.
Hete is another:
"Two Aussies were the sole survivors on a lifeboat. It was the Pacific, it was sunny and warm, and they had no water.
A bottle drifted by, and one of them caught it. He pulled the cork out and a Djinni appeared. "I have been in this bottle for 100 years and you have rescued me. I will grant you one wish, - anything you like"
So, Aussie #1 goes quick and gives the wish "I'd like the sea becoming beer".
And PRESTO, the ocean became beer, and off is the Djinni.
After a while of sipping, Aussie #2 looks angrily at Aussie #1 and sais:
"What a genious you are. Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!"

[phatzo]

<S> angus

A large Icelandic man walks into a bar and the barman cant help but notice that he has an unusually small head. The barman asks him whatever could happen to cause this. The large Icelandic man says that he was walking along the beach one day when he found an old bottle, when he opened it a very sexy blonde Djinni appeared. "Thank you for releasing me from my bottle, for this I will grant one wish." to this the large Icelandic man repplies "OK how about a little head."

[Angus]

 
hehe.
I'll try to fish up some Irish gags. They are the best.

[Belial]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,
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"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"
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"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

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The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.



Silver is brought tohim, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"


"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"


The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID .....

"BRING POSSE"

[Belial]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

[Belial]

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[Belial]

Arkansas Bar
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"



 

[ink]

Oh man there are some great one's the "Lone ranger"  is strait up classic 

sux most of the ones I know will offend to many and get me banned


hers one that should not

What does a gynecologist and pizza delivery man have in common?




































they both can smell it, but cant eat it...