Midway is an enigma wrapped in a mystery, and only he can unravel it; but it would be easier if you actually listened, midway. You might hear something that will start the process for you.
The kind of thing you got going on in your head, is like having a wild animal on steroids let loose on your thoughts. The moment something goes in, it shreds it and throws it back out at us again and the best you can do is make sure it doesn't fling it's feces.
Its a really sad, painful and lonely way to exist I bet.
But there is always hope middy, but you need to look inside yourself and tame that animal so you can get back to using all that brain matter properly again.
Then you will never feel the way you do, again! 
I listen to everything I hear and read... and, unfortunately have to ignore much of the irrational trash thrown about... I won't mention names... but if you look at my prior posts and the responses, it will be obvious.
Don't fall in the trap of creating some silly version of me in your head as so many others do. I'm fully sane, normal, a good pilot, and we could likely be best buds in RL if we lived near one another. I'm blessed with an outstanding family, kids, job, life, friends, health, and hobby(s).
You'll find many find me a nice and good pilot with substantial enthusiasm and aspirations and having improved much in my short 2 1/2 years in Aces High and am a decent tanker as well. Being able to pwn virtually 95% of pilots with my mighty Spitfire being just one such achievement that I'm quite proud of.
I do admit I talk a lot and therefore get a lot of flak... but it really doesn't bother me because there are gems of knowledge and wisdom to be found among the flak that make it all worthwhile. I wish I had Badboy's knowledge and insight and my FPH's skills and awesomeness... then I wouldn't have much to say except to help others. That's certainly not the case... yet.
