Author Topic: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression  (Read 2316 times)

Offline Elfie

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2023, 11:11:06 AM »
Yeah thanks for all the responses. I have been looking through other marriage forums as well and i’m getting the same consensus - seek professional counseling. We have reached out to one - looks like he is experienced in a lot of the topics that are hitting us.

Both parties have to want to make it work and be willing to do what it takes to make that happen. All to often one person doesn't want to fix things. If infidelity has been involved I highly recommend a book called "Broken Trust".  https://www.brokentrust.com/
Corkyjr on country jumping:
In the end you should be thankful for those players like us who switch to try and help keep things even because our willingness to do so, helps a more selfish, I want it my way player, get to fly his latewar uber ride.

Offline Elfie

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2023, 11:21:24 AM »
I hope it works, as from experience I know those who are most in a need of help are furiously refusing it, as problem is always in other persons. That's why me and the mother of my son are nowadays living 60km apart.

Wish you luck, in our case no help was accepted from her side. Cannot argue or even discuss about possible problems with someone who's always right in every aspect.

On January 17th I filed for a divorce after 30 years of marriage. My wife was the victim of sibling abuse from the time she started walking until her abuser left for the Navy. Even though her therapist has told her that what he did was abuse (physical, emotional, psychological and sexual) she refuses to deal with what happened to her. She is a pathological liar, master manipulator and serial cheater that gaslights and scapegoats constantly. You can't discuss things with her because of her constant interruptions which is how she controls what gets discussed and what doesn't.

I could tell you stories that would break your brain but I'd rather not make your head explode....this time....   ;)
Corkyjr on country jumping:
In the end you should be thankful for those players like us who switch to try and help keep things even because our willingness to do so, helps a more selfish, I want it my way player, get to fly his latewar uber ride.

Offline Elfie

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2023, 11:32:05 AM »
Rather than relying on comments on the board here, please do as advised above and seek professional help. Do not try to do your own psycho analysis of either yourself or your wife. Get some counseling and work with it to salvage the situation.

Couseling only goes so far, especially if one person either doesn't want to fix things or is unwilling to admit to any faults.

Folks can look up behavior patterns to learn why things are the way they are. Over the last 4 years of research I've become convinced that my almost ex-wife is very likely a narcissistic sociopath. The two psychologists I mentioned previously might as well have a picture of my wife behind them as they talk about narcissism.

Knowledge is power and in my case, knowledge has also been a form of healing. Knowing why she was doing the things she did made it easier to deal with her crap. I finally understood things that blew my mind previously and that understanding stopped my brain from exploding over and over.

Will this information help the OP? I don't know for sure if it will or not but it for sure won't if he doesn't have it so I'd rather see him get the information so he can decide for himself.
Corkyjr on country jumping:
In the end you should be thankful for those players like us who switch to try and help keep things even because our willingness to do so, helps a more selfish, I want it my way player, get to fly his latewar uber ride.

Offline shotgunneeley

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2023, 08:30:51 AM »
(Image removed from quote.)

She only now opened up my Valentine’s gift to her - she kept putting it off till she was in a “better mood”.

No adultery; I have no reason to suspect her otherwise. I feel like I might as well have been unfaithful - according to her I have completely broken her trust in me because she feels that I do not prioritize her. It’s about like a kid asking for a new graphing calculator, but instead of giving it before school starts the parent waits till Christmas to give it - all fine and dandy that the kid has what was asked for, but the kid has already failed math class. I felt like it was not a good time for me to leave my home church just yet and that we could muster through for just a bit till it was a better time - even though now we have left she continues to come unglued at me that I was being selfish or putting the needs of others before her.

The reason I have posted online to forums is that I wanted third party unbiased opinions of what is going on. I have avoided talking to my parents or anyone who knows us both so as to not ruin their image of her or become stand-offish.

Met up at home last night after work; before I can get a “howdy-do” off she starts going off the rails again. She was triggered by a comment on FB from my mom liking my cousin’s new house but she feels my parents laugh at our house for having problems that need fixing. She often brings up the time when My mom went with her to a pediatric appointment where our daughter had to receive a medical shot. My wife’s position is that she asked my mom ostensibly so she could feel involved and bond more - but now feels she gave the mistaken impression that my wife cannot handle it on her own (even though when I go she declares it is because she needs my support). Well they get back to the office and my mom made the joke that “[our daughter] was fine, it was [my wife] who I thought I was going to need to hold down and sooth”. This has been a down point for my as she sees my mom as a bully now making a joke at her expense and gets frustrated that I “don’t fight for her”. Knowing her disposition I agree the comment was not needed, but at the same time I don’t see why that is the breaking point she hinges on with her perception of my family being wrecked and against her. Not to mention she brought up again how because I did not dedicate a full 2 weeks paternity time to her as she expected (I partially tagged out with my mom to stay with her because the family business needed me) that she cannot trust me to value her needs.

I have always thought of her as a “reverse princess and the pea”: if she has an issue she seeks to address it - she may burn down the whole dang bed and destroy half the kingdom, but she is going to get that friggin pea! I have seen her take on problems that would hardly phase me or anyone else with all the ferocity of marines storming Iwo Jima.

The trouble is I have always treated her as a normal person who could handle her own personal problems to a certain degree - but she herself would admit she cannot take on any more pain, hurt or emotional trauma as she has already reached her limit over her life. She says she is laughed at, unheard, disrespected and unvalued down here compared to where she came from on the east coast where she had life friends and good culture (she was good to leave that before our daughter, now that to her is critical and nothing down here can bring that peace back).

Finally get our daughter down at a decent hour and I have to stay up till midnight listening to her vent and gripe. When I try to disengage and say it is time to go to bed that just makes her madder that I am trying to deflect and ignore her.  :bhead :bhead :bhead
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Offline GasTeddy

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2023, 09:49:29 AM »
^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.
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Offline Elfie

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2023, 11:03:40 AM »
^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.

Textbook narcissism.
Corkyjr on country jumping:
In the end you should be thankful for those players like us who switch to try and help keep things even because our willingness to do so, helps a more selfish, I want it my way player, get to fly his latewar uber ride.

Offline Eagler

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2023, 12:32:29 PM »
Crazy is having a field day these days...

Medicine for your medicine...pills to increase other pills affects

Doctors getting kickbacks for prescribing addictive drugs

Ppl doing totally ignorant stuff just for views/likes/friends

How much of all of this is self generated?

Just going to get worse imo as they are pampered and acknowledged as normal

Eagler
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Online DmonSlyr

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2023, 02:03:34 PM »
She only now opened up my Valentine’s gift to her - she kept putting it off till she was in a “better mood”.

No adultery; I have no reason to suspect her otherwise. I feel like I might as well have been unfaithful - according to her I have completely broken her trust in me because she feels that I do not prioritize her. It’s about like a kid asking for a new graphing calculator, but instead of giving it before school starts the parent waits till Christmas to give it - all fine and dandy that the kid has what was asked for, but the kid has already failed math class. I felt like it was not a good time for me to leave my home church just yet and that we could muster through for just a bit till it was a better time - even though now we have left she continues to come unglued at me that I was being selfish or putting the needs of others before her.

The reason I have posted online to forums is that I wanted third party unbiased opinions of what is going on. I have avoided talking to my parents or anyone who knows us both so as to not ruin their image of her or become stand-offish.

Met up at home last night after work; before I can get a “howdy-do” off she starts going off the rails again. She was triggered by a comment on FB from my mom liking my cousin’s new house but she feels my parents laugh at our house for having problems that need fixing. She often brings up the time when My mom went with her to a pediatric appointment where our daughter had to receive a medical shot. My wife’s position is that she asked my mom ostensibly so she could feel involved and bond more - but now feels she gave the mistaken impression that my wife cannot handle it on her own (even though when I go she declares it is because she needs my support). Well they get back to the office and my mom made the joke that “[our daughter] was fine, it was [my wife] who I thought I was going to need to hold down and sooth”. This has been a down point for my as she sees my mom as a bully now making a joke at her expense and gets frustrated that I “don’t fight for her”. Knowing her disposition I agree the comment was not needed, but at the same time I don’t see why that is the breaking point she hinges on with her perception of my family being wrecked and against her. Not to mention she brought up again how because I did not dedicate a full 2 weeks paternity time to her as she expected (I partially tagged out with my mom to stay with her because the family business needed me) that she cannot trust me to value her needs.

I have always thought of her as a “reverse princess and the pea”: if she has an issue she seeks to address it - she may burn down the whole dang bed and destroy half the kingdom, but she is going to get that friggin pea! I have seen her take on problems that would hardly phase me or anyone else with all the ferocity of marines storming Iwo Jima.

The trouble is I have always treated her as a normal person who could handle her own personal problems to a certain degree - but she herself would admit she cannot take on any more pain, hurt or emotional trauma as she has already reached her limit over her life. She says she is laughed at, unheard, disrespected and unvalued down here compared to where she came from on the east coast where she had life friends and good culture (she was good to leave that before our daughter, now that to her is critical and nothing down here can bring that peace back).

Finally get our daughter down at a decent hour and I have to stay up till midnight listening to her vent and gripe. When I try to disengage and say it is time to go to bed that just makes her madder that I am trying to deflect and ignore her.  :bhead :bhead :bhead

Have you put her on temporary paternity leave at work yet?

It seems like she feels she is losing control of her reality and grip. As I said before. She may need some distance or a vacation for some time to clear her head and smell the roses. It seems she is really tense, and now feels like your family is against her, which is never good.
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Offline guncrasher

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #23 on: February 22, 2023, 03:23:32 PM »
^ Deja vu... Only taking distance can save your mental health, or what is left of it. Hers is gone and now she's doing her best to ruin yours. People like that want to ensure everyone else around has a bad day as well, when they don't feel good. And it's normal for them not to feel good.


that's not what he asked. and  you ever consider that part is your fault.


semp
you dont want me to ho, dont point your plane at me.

Offline guncrasher

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2023, 03:31:58 PM »
Crazy is having a field day these days...

Medicine for your medicine...pills to increase other pills affects

Doctors getting kickbacks for prescribing addictive drugs

Ppl doing totally ignorant stuff just for views/likes/friends

How much of all of this is self generated?

Just going to get worse imo as they are pampered and acknowledged as normal

Eagler

only crazy people is you.

hope you never have to take medication. I take medication to counter another that may damage my liver.

doctor getting kickbacks. ha. you make more money selling prescriptions. that's good little you know.


feel sorry for you we aren't different that you.  oh wait we are, our reality doesn't include conspiracy theories nuts like you.


semp


you dont want me to ho, dont point your plane at me.

Offline Elfie

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2023, 03:37:36 PM »
This thread is drifting in a direction it doesn't need to go in.

The perps know who they are.
Corkyjr on country jumping:
In the end you should be thankful for those players like us who switch to try and help keep things even because our willingness to do so, helps a more selfish, I want it my way player, get to fly his latewar uber ride.

Offline GasTeddy

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2023, 04:06:48 PM »

that's not what he asked. and  you ever consider that part is your fault.


semp

Looks like we have The Truth and Ultimate Knowledge here judging the others with his eternal wisdom. I as a normal mortal can only bow before of that kind Divine wisdom. I peg your highness's forgiveness.
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Offline -gg-

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2023, 06:05:47 PM »
From reading your first post, I think I can see the main issue. She's told you several times.

1. she's not happy with the  in the situation that she's in.
2. She's said that you are not right for her and that she's not right for you.


Quote
Based on what she has told me of her hating our family dynamic, hating the culture, not having the friends she had on the east coast

3. I mean, she's told you. You're just not listening


Quote
Before she moved down she had asked me if I’d be flexible to look at attending a different church from the one I grew up in. I agreed that as a potential husband that I’d be willing to be a part of a different church through which we could be involved and grow our spirit. After a month she was pushing me to do that while we were still dating, but as I was serving as a deacon I felt it was it was not the right time for me to leave

So in her mind, you agreed to be open to that and then decide the church was too important to YOU.

Here's what I think. Everything is about you. Your family, your job,  your church, your town, your everything. I wouldn't be happy either.

She feels trapped. She resents this.

You're not going to get anywhere trying to  figure anything out because you're not seeing it.

You need to go to counseling - even if only you go. to get a professional opinion.



 



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Offline TequilaChaser

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2023, 06:39:04 PM »
Damn-gg- , excellent "devil's advocate"


My thoughts:
If you go to counseling by yourself, you CAN NOT,  smudge the truth at all

If both go to counseling,  then both have to be completely honest and forthcoming about what bothers each of y'all

2 different ways of being raised in a church or not is simple, don't judge her or whatnot and she do the same in return

We are our own individual selves and we all believe individually

? Postpartum syndrome  ?

You should encourage her to have some backbone and speak up regardless of she is in front of your side of the family.... I am saying,  y'all are 2 joined as 1 right?   
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Offline -gg-

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Re: Wife Ack: dealing with anxiety/depression
« Reply #29 on: February 22, 2023, 06:43:28 PM »
Just to reiterate

Everything revolves around you and your family. She probably envisioned creating a new life TOGETHER. You and her.

What she got was being stuck in your world. With your family. Your church. Your decisions.

How would you like it if it were the other way around?

And you can't see it?

Of course she's miserable.

 
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