How Bacon Bits saved the world
The scene: A small windowless room deep inside the Kremlin. The bare light bulb casts shadows across the blood stained stone walls as two KGB agents, Demetri and Sergi, continue their "interrorigation" of captured Chechian terrorist Abdul.
Sergi: Talk, Abdul!! You have been holding out for two days!! Tell us what we need to know!! Who are your contacts?
Abdul: Allah Alkbar!! Keep beating me and I am closer to my reward of 72 virgins!!
Demetri: (raises rubber hose, starts beating Abdul)
Abdul: (singing Chechian patriotic songs in rhythm to his beating) Oh yes!! 72 virgins!! I can't wait!!
Sergi: Stop, Demetri- torture will not work. Perhaps what our comrades in the CIA have supplied to us will make Abdul change his mind...(removes small jar from his pocket, shakes it menacingly at Abdul) Do you know what this is, Abdul??
Abdul: (ignoring Sergi, singing about his 72 virgins) Soon I will be with all of youuuuuuuuUUUUUUU!!
Sergi: This is a top secret torture agent used in Guantamino Bay, Abdul- the CIA calls this "Bacon Bits."
Abdul: (suddenly still, looking suspiciouly at the small jar in Sergi's hand) What is this...bacon bits??
Sergi: (waving jar under Abdul's nose) Smell this Abdul...It is PORK!!
Abdul: Aieeee!!! ALLAH PROTECT ME!!!
Sergi: (sprinkling Bacon Bits in Abdul's lap) Do you think your 72 virgins will want you NOW??
Abdul: Aieee!!! Please stop!! I have sacrificed on the battlefield for all these years with only the promised 72 virgins as my reward!! I will talk!! I am sorry!! Please do not defile my donut!!!
...And so Abdul talks, all the other terrorists go back to their goat herding and rug making as dreams of their 72 virgins evoperate...
they know now their reward will be on Earth and if they milk enough goats or hook enough rugs they may some day come to America. We may not have 72 virgins, but most of the women here don't care if your donut smells like Bacon Bits, either.