1. Your driver’s license was revoked in Tennessee, but no problem. When you’re driving, you carry a bubblegum card with a photo of you driving the baseline.
2. You’re already on probation for a pot conviction, so when you’re smoking pot while driving your highly-customized Hummer, you keep your speed under 100 mph so as not to attract attention.
3. You’re so buzzed that you think people will believe your agent when he says that even though there is not a scrap of evidence against you, you’re not going to fight a misdemeanor pot charge because you want to save the state time and money.
4. Your favorite Krispy Kreme drive-thru is the one that just opened up at the arena, in the players’ parking lot.
5. When the coach diagrams a play during a time out, you ask him, “How come the O’s always get to be on offense?”
6. You keep asking the ref, “Which one is our basket?”
7. Stoner fans pop the head off your bobblehead doll, drill a hole or two in your body and use it as a bong.
8. You are convinced that a player on the other team is following you around, trying to steal the ball.
9. Teammates have to restrain you from attacking the TV when, during the Academy Awards telecast, the list of nominees for best actor does not include Cheech or Chong.
10. You giggle uncontrollably at the antics of the team mascot.
(Scott Ostler)
