(My personal favorite)
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Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing-collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?"
"Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
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A military flight student was chopped from training and was due to be reposted. Asked for
his preferences he replied: AA. "If I don't fly - nobody will"
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From the "squawk sheets":
-Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
-Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
-Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
-Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
-Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." -Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
-Problem #2:"#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
-Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
-Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
-Problem: Weather radar went ape*****
-Solution: Opened radome, chased out ape, cleaned up *****.
-Problem: Knocking sound heard in #3 engine cowl, sounds like little man with hammer.
-Solution: Opened #3 engine cowl, located little man, took hammer away.
-Problem: Whining noise heard in cockpit after engine shutdown.
-Solution: Removed pilot from aircraft.
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An F-15 pilot's definition of the F-16 : "The quickest method of hauling a spare engine for my plane."
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One mouse tells her girlfriend she dates a bat...
- What is this "thing" you are dating ?
- It's a bat - It's a mousewith wings !
- But he is so ugly !
- Well, yes. But he is a pilot !
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A SABENA airliner pulls up behind a KLM airliner on a crowded taxiway.
SABENA to KLM on tower freq: "KLM holding number 4 come up 3030 (303.3 Unicom)." After a few minutes they call again "KLM holding number 3 come up 3030."
Still no response so they call tower : "Tower tell the KLM aircraft ahead of SABENA 123 to come up on 3030"
Just then the KLM crew jumps in and says, "Tower please tell the SABENA Aircraft that the professionals at KLM Dutch Airlines don't come up on discreet frequencies when they should be monitoring tower."
The SABENA Aircraft then replies, "Okay tower, that's no problem but could you just let the professionals at KLM know that their gear pins are still in."
(A moment of silence)
KLM : Tower, KLM 3030 needs to return to the gate.
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People unclear on the concept dept.
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make Burbank airport.
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".
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Conducting fuel-consumption tests on a new twin-engine plane, we were en route from Pennsylvania to Florida. Just north of Richmond, Va., I called the air-traffic controller to make a position report on our plane, whose designation was 5000Y. The controller, in a Southern drawl, replied, "Oh, no, not again!" I was puzzled by the response until I realized what I had said: "We are 5000 Yankee, 25 miles north of Richmond." -- Joe Diblin
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There once was a captain who enjoyed pranks. As the legend goes, one day he found an unmarked white cane in the terminal. Digging through his bag of goodies, he donned a set of extra-thick gag glasses, and fumbled his way across the ramp to his parked aircraft. The passengers watched as he groped his way up the airstairs and into the
main entry.
"Hi, Marsha," he sang as he felt for the cockpit doorknob. Pausing, he looks back and forth over the heads of th e startled passengers. Through the huge lens, his eyes are three times their normal size.
"Say, Marsha, are we hauling people or passengers today?"
The matronly attendant smiles graciously and replies softly, "umm... passengers, Sir."
Our hero raises his watch to within an inch to his glasses, and announces for all to hear, "Well then, we'd better start getting them aboard! It's nearly time to leave!"
(I have a lot more, but the size limit of the BBS won't let me put them all).
Ouch out
